wearing these chains: on nine inch nails, trent reznor, and all things gothemo

[Pictures_of_You_#_25: You_Still_Got_It_Baby]

Now, all y'all might be wondering, at this point, why I, DIERDRE KEATING, haven't fully DUG INTO the whole dystopian paranoia, "art is resistance" vibe. Quite frankly, it's because I'm not a fucking GEEK with HOURS to spend trolling the internet for anything even vaguely NIN related. More importantly, though, it's pretty tough for me to get all orgasmic about all this internet shit when it has so little of the key ingredient that hooks me every goddamned time: TRENT REZNOR.

Here, however, is something that I can TOTALLY get all orgasmic about. Something that inspires me to repeated use of the CAPS LOCK feature on my keyboard. Something that, I gotta confess, I will NEVER, EVER get enough of:

OH MY SWEET MOTHERFUCKING LORD, is Sparklepants looking hot. Check out that piercing look! His eyes are like FUCKING LASERS! Seriously: he should patent that shit. And, check out those tight little hips, and the way he's all scrumptiously bulky around the middle. Dudes, need I remind you of the things we can't see in this picture? The hairy chest? The fingers that go every which way, because they are so HYPERPOWER!!? Need I refresh your memory about those teeth that could eat a girl alive?

I think it's pretty clear that I'm going to need to hear the WHOLE of Year Zero before I make a comment, or give the huge proliferation of wierd websites more than a cursory look, but one thing is as clear as FUCKING DAYLIGHT:

Trent Reznor is the hottest man EVER.

[Did_You_Guys_Hear_The_Latest?]

There's been a new Year Zero leak, and I found it--that's right! ME.

I was pouring myself a bowl of Lucky Charms this morning, and out of the box falls a thumb drive! The label read "pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds and...hyperpower!." So I put it in my computer and found two files on it. The first was the song hyperpower!, and it's definitely a big departure for Trent. It doesn't really sound like the rest of the album; it's kind of...Eurotrash techno, you know? And it's not just Trent on the vocals...I think Oscar nominee and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson has lent her powerful voice to this song.

hyperpower!

[mechanical robot-sounding voice] hyperpower!, hyperpower!, hyperpower!
[Trent, spoken] Listen up, everybody. This here is THE SHIT.
[oonce, oonce, oonce, oonce]
[Jennifer Hudson] HYYYYYYPERRRRRRRRPOWERRRRRR!!!!!!!!
[Trent] Everybody dance, dance!
This is where the music really kicks in...
[Jennifer Hudson] HYYYYYYYYYYYYYPERRRRRRRRRRPOWWWWAHHHH!
[Trent] Feel the music, rock that body, shake that thing...yeah, it's hyperpower!
[Jennifer Hudson] HYYYYYYYYYYYYPERRRRRRRRRPOWWWWAAHHHHH!
[Trent] Get on the dance floor! Sweat, people, sweat!
[Jennifer Hudson] DRIPPING SWEAT!
[Trent] It's Year Zero, time to party! Nothing to lose now--dance dance!
[Jennifer Hudson] YEAR ZERO....WHOOOOAAAHH, IT'S YEAR ZERO!
[Trent] Don't drink the water, drink my sweat! Cause I'm hot for you, hot for you!
[Jennifer Hudson] HOT FOR YOU, BABY!!!!!
[Trent, spoken] Listen up, girl. Listen to my beats. Don't be scared now. It's just my Presence. It's growing, growing.
[Jennifer Hudson] GROWING, GROWING!
[Trent, spoken] Turn off the lights now...cause we're gonna dance...between the sheets. hyperpower!
[mechanical voice, trailing off] hyperpower! hyperpower! hyper...

Okay, so that's the song.

But the other file on the thumb drive gave me this creepy little recording. I can't really figure out who it's supposed to be or what it all means, but it's these two guys who seem to be planning a terrorist attack. Here's the transcript.

[Man #1] Do we have all the ammo?
[Man #2] Check.
[Man #1] Did you pack "the juice"?
[Man #2] Yeah, but my eyes started bleeding a little.
[Man #1] Put some Visine on that shit.
[Man #2] I did, man. Fuck, it hurt.
[Man #1] Well, I told your ass to be careful. You gotta be careful with the juice. You're lucky you didn't start bleeding out your ass.
[Man #2] Well, it's inevitable, isn't it?
[Man #1] That's all part of the mission.
[pause]
[Man #1] Those stupid fucking sheep...they won't even know what hit them at the Pierogi Festival.
[Man #2] At the what?
[Man #1] The Pierogi Festival.
[Man #2] What the fuck is that? I've never heard of that. Pee...?
[Man #1] Pierogis?
[Man #2] Yeah, those things. I've never heard of them.
[Man #1] You're shitting me.
[Man #2] No, dude.
[Man #1] Pierogis are awesome. They're like...these dumpling things. You boil 'em and fry 'em...and they're filled with, like, potato or cheese or sauerkraut or even fruit.
[Man #2] Really? Fruit?
[Man #1] Yeah. I've had plum and strawberry ones before. They're really good. I can't believe you've never heard of fucking pierogis.
[Man #2] No, I totally haven't.
[Man #1] Like, all of Eastern and Central Europe eats them.
[Man #2] Are we in Eastern or Central Fucking Europe?
[Man #1] No.
[pause]
[Man #2] Before we unleash hell, can I try some of the pierogis at the festival?
[Man #1] Yeah, sure.

[static]

Then there's some Morse Code, which I really suck at, but I listened to it about 15 times and came up with this message: EAT MORE LUCKY CHARMS...THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS.

There you have it. The newest Year Zero leak...and you heard it HERE first!

[Q10_We're_Number_1]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to report the breaking news I've just received! An excerpt from an email I received from my Right-Hand Woman:

I was up early for my kickboxing class and was listening to Q101, and the DJ (I didn't catch who it was nor did I recognize his voice) was talking about playing "My Violent Heart" and the whole Year Zero thing. And he totally started talking about WTC and specifically mentioned Maise the Ghost Dog. You guys are famous!

As my friend is not normally in the habit of having WTC-related hallucinations, this report is totally credible. You'll note that she didn't elaborate on what exactly was said about us. The DJ could very well have been throwing out the usual terminology--you know, things like "loser," "stalker," "batshit insane"--but I would like to believe that instead he lauded our INHERENT AWESOMENESS and appreciated all the haikus.

So at the risk of looking like a total famewhore, I'd just like to say hello to our Mystery Q101 DJ reader. If you would like an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with my #1 client, GABRIEL MILLER of L'ORANGERIE STANK, I'm sure that can totally be arranged. Just email me at [email protected]. Oh, and thanks for the on-air plug, even if you were totally deriding us.

Edit: I just found out about your on-air love-fest, Mr. D.J. Thank you for the love; we know we spin you right round, baby, like a record, right round, and would love to hear from you. If you dare, that is.

Feel my hate,

Gabriel Miller

[Dear_Trent_#_38]

Oh my darling Trent!

I'm sure, by this time, that you are wondering if I'm even ALIVE! What can I tell you, Sparklepants: I've been up to my ears in work, work, work, and now, look at what you've done! You've gone and given me HOURS upon HOURS of HOMEWORK to do to get ready for the next eruption of your volcanic genius. All I can say, you delicious, sweaty creature, is that I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS EVER, and that even now I am delving deeper and deeper into your dark maze of dystopian paranoia, and I must say, baby, I am a little creeped out, which, uh... RULES!

Oh Trent! Would it be possible for me to overstate how thirsty I am for the sweet elixir that  shoots forth from the fount of your aesthetic potency?  No! Even if it burns my throat and scalds my very soul -- even if it's viscous, salty, and a little bad tasting -- I swear I will swallow it all. I mean, it's been a fairly short drought, really, considering the usual wait, but it's a thirst that never dies, just like my love for you.

I'm going to just go and get back to my homework, ok sweetness? You keep getting all sweaty in European venues, and I'll see your hott ass soon. Me, and all my peeps. That's right Trent: WEARING THESE CHAINS will be in full attendance. We will be armed with Haikus, and Gabriel will be totally gay for you, even if denies it, and claims to like girls now.

I love you!
Dierdre

[Happy_Valentine's_Day,_Trent!]

Haikus by Maise...NINversational Hearts by Iris

Happy Valentine's
Day, Trent! You know that we love
your paranoid ass.

Parepin only
makes the roses grow bigger
in the near future.

Parepin never
dampened our sex drive for you,
resistance rocker!

Be the love hammer.
Give us Another Version
of Valentine's Day.

The Church of Plano
has a Valentine's potluck
and dance. Wanna go?

I saw The Presence.
I thought of your fingers that
go ev'ry which way.

I hope you have a
special sweetie today and
not that punk, Aaron.

[The_Hills_Are_Alive]

Fortunately, dear readers, when I am lazy and disorganized, our Iris often comes to the rescue!

Iris's Favorite Things

Silly grown man-boys all covered in cornstarch
Trent sings that one song where he wants us to "MARCH!"
Mic stands, and band mates, and bottles he flings
These are a few of my favorite nin things

Bright fields of poppies and fires full of ashes
Trent gets real pissed off and the guitars, he smashes
Huge LED screens held up by some strings
These are a few of my favorite nin things

Album commercials with blood drops in water
Trent rolling on stage like he's some fucking martyr
Of the pain and rejection and loathing he sings
These are a few of my favorite nin things

When my day sucks
When the boss rings
When I'm steaming mad
I simply remember my favorite nin things
And then I don't feel so bad

I dream of that Rock God and songs that he's written
For Mister Reznor, I'm hopelessly smitten
Pictures of decay and rotten moth wings
These are a few of my favorite nin things

Friends who convince me that Vienna's not too far
Come on you guys, you fucking all know who you are
WearingTheseChains and all the love/hate it brings
These are a few of my favorite nin things

Backpacking through Europe, oh the shows that we'll see
I wonder if he'll meet with M, D, G, & me?
All joking aside, all the shit that we sling
Nine Inch Nails is really the best fucking thing!

[Breaking_News!]

Ha, NIN Hotline isn't the only one with the lowdown on all things NIN. We here at WTC have obtained a special sneak peek at the second single off of YEAR ZERO! We have some lyrics and the cover of Halo 25 (or whatever number it would be): THE TEARS OF THE LEMUR. It certainly is a departure from what has come before, and I suspect this will be a softer, more reflective song.

THE TEARS OF THE LEMUR

In the land of Madagascar,
the lemurs witness disaster.
The world is filled with war and disease.
The lemurs feel great unease.
The cat that purrs becomes the rich woman's fur.
The mother lemur sobs--can you hear her?

As the lemurs cry,
I watch the planet die.
YEAH BABY
When the lemurs fucking cry,
I ask myself, 'Why?'

Tell me, will you turn off your TV?
Will you ride your bike, not drive your SUV?
The tears fall faster from big lemur eyes,
They see right through the president's lies.
The planet's much too hot,
The lemurs know it's all we've got.

As the lemurs cry,
I watch the planet die.
YEAH BABY
When the lemurs fucking cry,
I ask myself, 'Why?'

The lemur is just a little primate,
He doesn't know hate!
He can't fix all that's wrong,
That's why I'm singing this song!!!
YEAH!!!!!

As the lemurs cry,
I watch the planet die.
YEAH BABY
When the lemurs fucking cry,
I ask myself, 'Why'?

We humans--we humans would be so wise
If we could see through the lemur's eyes.
YEAH BABY
SUCK IT!
YEAH!
LEMURS!
FUCK YEAH!
WHOO! WHOO-OOOH
ooh