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2005.12.11

[The_Pastor_Has_Left_the_Building]

I know I all promised you a breakdown of how my vacation went, where I went to find my father... I've been putting off this post because, quite frankly -- it's a little scary. This isn't the usual "Look at me, I'm Gabriel, I'm Going To Say Something That's So Over-The-Top It Couldn't Possibly Be Ever Taken Seriously, Only To Discover That There's Always Somebody On The Ninternet Who Will Take You At Face Value: Wackiness Ensues" type of post.

This is the ending of an era.

You all know that Dierdre and I started this site for one reason: we love nine inch nails, and the crazy little midget behind it, Trent Reznor. His music has meant very important things to both of us over the course of our lives, and the creative output that is Wearing_These_Chains is just the latest of many gifts I feel Reznor has been a part of giving to me over the years. I had no idea back in May that D & I would become webmasters of The Awesomest and Most Powerful Site On The Ninternet, yet here we are. From sparking what I like to refer to as "The Meathead Renaissance", to helping Trent's message reach the masses, to the hundreds of thousands who have experienced the joy of L'orangerie Stank's deconstructed NIN covers... it's been incredible. Who would have thought this was what awaited us when we first started discussing putting up a site we were then calling deartrentreznor.com?

Over the last few months, however, I had started to feel that something was lacking within myself. Something was amiss. At first, I obviously assumed it was that Dierdre herself was missing -- physically, in another country -- but even after travelling to France and being party to her embracing her true nature with everything she has and is, I still felt something wrong.

A tingle on the back of my neck. A perpetual grocery list item that never got checked. I didn't know what it was, but it was driving me mad.

So I took my roadtrip, and saw my father for the first time ever as an adult. It had been so long since I'd seen the man, I didn't know what to expect -- Jerry Falwell? Billy Graham? Or Liberace?

What I found instead was just a man in his late 50's, full of regret for mistakes made and thing not done, who had decided long ago to accept who he was and embrace it, and spend the rest of his life being true unto himself. If this hurt people, like my mother, and brother and I, he figured, than so be it. But better to hurt somebody quick, in your moment of clarity, then to spend your life behind a mask and dole out the pain slowly, over years.

His partner Gregg is a really good man, and my father was happy. I don't have any memories of him as a happy man from when I grew up... and so given the years it was like meeting somebody new for the first time. But it was still undeniably, emphatically him -- his laugh, the way he rubs a finger across the bridge of his nose when he feels nervous, and the affectionate way he smacked me on the butt when I'd walk by.

Okay, that last one started to get a little creepy -- especially when Gregg started joining in -- but the point is it was still my Dad. And then he said something to me that was nothing short of profound.

"You can spend all your time doing three things, son," he said. "You can hide behind what you're scared you are; you can hide behind what others are scared you might be, or you can tell it all to go to hell and let the patties stick to the grill."

I've spent a lot of time saying I'm a musician; claiming I'm an artist, and talking my game. I've been the guy with the shaved eyebrows that nobody would talk to, I've been the confused art student so scared I might be gay I lost a best friend over my inability to recognize an attraction... In short, I've spent a lot of time hiding. And worst of all, I think I started to use Wearing_These_Chains as a place to hide; I could just while away my time here, patting myself on the back for being clever... when the truth is I've been using it as an excuse to not go out there in the world, and see what I can really do.

To see if my patties stick.

I'm moving to Los Angeles this week. To stop talking big, and to actually put it on the line. To leave my fears and insecurities behind, here in La Jolla, and see if I can walk the boards and rock the mikes of the Sunset Strip and beyond.

Alex is not coming with me; Rory is not coming with me. For the first time, truly, L'orangerie Stank is Gabriel Miller.

And with this change, my role as a full-time editor and contributor here must draw to an end. Trent's been an enormous influence over the years, and a voice for courage, but it's time for me to stop just talking about him, and what he's done, and actually put the lessons to use. The great artists are the ones that inspire, that send other people on their own paths of discovery, accomplishment, and victory. The work of Trent, and of other great creative minds, isn't the goal, the end of the journey; it is the beginning. And it is up to us to write the rest of the tale.

Of course, I leave you in the best of hands -- both Dierdre and Mimi are the most brilliant and entertaining of minds, and I do admit their love for NIN far outshines mine these days... I will definitely drop in from time to time, however -- there is still unfinished business for me here (and yes Maise, it may take until 2007, but it will be completed). And plus, I've truly just had a wonderful time getting to know so many of you -- Nicole, Kimma, B.C., Bex, the many faces of kelby, Baal (both pre- and post-phallus removal), GBFB, em527.... the list goes on. I've had an incredible run here, and the majority of it is because of you guys. So... thank you. You're all amazing.

(Except for some of those poems... some of those poems were pretty fucking heinous. Like, SERIOUSLY. If you want to know how to create art, you can check out some of my my poetic works, because a lot of you obviously don't know shit. But don't beat yourselves up about how meager your words may be next to mine; some folks are just born with it, and fortunately for me, I'm one of them.)

So I'll look forward to running into all of you in the electronic ether. In the meantime, I'm going to be updating my band's official website, www.lorangeriestank.com more frequently, and if all goes well, maybe I'll even have the pleasure of meeting some of you at some shows.

That's all I got. Thanks again. You guys rule.

And unlike Meathead, I'm quitting at the top of my game, when the quitting's good. Don't know if you heard, but that guy fucking sucks now.

Gabriel Miller
December 11, 2005

Patties Stick When The Dog Bites

Posted by Gabriel in gabriel's_ponderings | Permalink

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Comments

Immediate reaction:

What? No. Goddamnit.

Look, you'd better stop by a little more often than "time to time" because we NEED you. You see, there's this perfect balance that is achieved between you, Dierdre, and Mimi, and NO ONE else creates fucked-up pictures like the above that are funny yet really disturbing at the same time, and don't make me beg, all right? Jesus Christ. Look, I do about 9,000,000 things a day, and I can still post here compulsively. I'm no stranger to creative work. 75 percent of "creating" is all about, "Chapter One...hmmm...I think I'm going to make a sandwich...maybe I should clean the apartment up first...hey, what are those WTC bitches up to?" Not to sound like someone's mother, but you can at least call. I'm just saying.

Secondly, I wish you nothing but the best, and I can't wait to hear more of the stank. And if Trent will eschew the city of Chicago, will you at least show up when you eventually hit the road? I know it's the fucking boonies and all...

Sigh...if I have to read one more goddamn "farewell" post, I'm going to lose my shit.

Posted by: maise | Dec 11, 2005 8:18:43 PM

Hey, Sgt. Pepper...You don't even have anything on your band's site yet! Goddamnit.

Sing it, Belinda!

Can't seem to get my mind off of you
Back here at home there's nothin' to do
Now that you're away
I wish you'd stayed
Tomorrow's a day of mine
That you won't be in

When I saw your site, I should have run
But I thought it was just for fun
I see I was wrong
And I'm not so strong
I should've known all along
That time would tell

A week without you
Thought I'd forget
Two weeks without you, and I
Still haven't gotten over you yet

Gabriel
Wants a music career
Gabriel
Had to get away
Gabriel
Wants to go it alone...

Posted by: maise | Dec 11, 2005 8:28:39 PM

i'm sorry to see you go gabriel. i hope everything goes alright for you. see you.

Posted by: Casey | Dec 11, 2005 8:29:18 PM

"...NO ONE else creates fucked-up pictures like the above that are funny yet really disturbing at the same time..."

My thoughts exactly.

Gabe! I hope your patties stick, bitch. We're all here for you if you need anything.

Posted by: Kim | Dec 11, 2005 9:00:59 PM

Gabe. I love you! I will miss you so fucking dearly. You must visit us and put our fangirl asses in line. Please continue stop by chatninfalltour every once in a while, just to participate in the rambles. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors, but boy, don't you dare disappear on us!

P.S. Best photoshop ever. The fact that it's one of meatheads paintings is so fuckin' pissah! A little frightening how well trents snarly mctoothy-face fits on that doggie.

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 11, 2005 9:11:57 PM

Oh dear, I didn't realize that was one of Meathead's. So it is. After a quick perusal of his collection, I will make the simple, judgment-free observation that his style is kind of like what would happen if "Yellow Submarine" and "Pink Floyd's The Wall" had a baby.

And so Gabriel leaves us to our own devices, after spreading so much chum for the Great Meathead Shark.

Posted by: maise | Dec 11, 2005 10:13:48 PM

Oh god. I never even though of meatheads retaliation. We're in for a bumpy fucking ride.

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 11, 2005 10:29:54 PM

wanna see something funny?

Posted by: Jane | Dec 12, 2005 3:06:54 AM

Which was not to imply that your latest episode of photoshop genius isn't totally fucking hilarious, G.

It's nice of you to be so neutral, Maise.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 12, 2005 3:23:54 AM

Fuck.

Too many changes to deal with.

Gab. best of luck to you.

You'd better stay in touch. Check your email through here one last time before you go off into the sunset.

And bitch, if you tour anywhere on the east coast, you'd better let me know. So I can come see you. And buy you a drink after your show!!


(sorry Jane)

Posted by: bex | Dec 12, 2005 6:14:38 AM

Gabe good luck in your ventures. Just remember to look both ways before crossing the street. I don't think your father was talking about a car grill when he said let the patties stick.

Posted by: Iris | Dec 12, 2005 6:16:57 AM

Has Gab.'s address here been removed already???????

Posted by: bex | Dec 12, 2005 6:39:24 AM

Wow, Trent looks pretty good as Napoleon...wonder why...anyway, TR, take notes for Halloween. Especially if you can pull off the rearing horse.

Posted by: maise | Dec 12, 2005 7:04:05 AM

Re: neutrality...

Well, I am Swiss. ;)

Posted by: maise | Dec 12, 2005 7:17:20 AM

Hey everybody--

Thanks so much for your well wishing... I must say that I'm pretty sad to be leaving this phase, but I cannot wait to see what awaits in the next one, and I definitely want you all involved in whatever way possible.

Bex, my email is still active and listed on my about page.

And where did that Napolean pic come from? And why has nobody ever compiled a photo gallery of MTR as history's most famous midgets? We've got Hitler and Napolean... I hear Alexander was pretty short, too.... Anybody wanna boot up their copy of CS2?

Posted by: Gabriel | Dec 12, 2005 7:45:11 AM

By the way, has anybody else heard this "Vagina Patterson" interview with Trent from KROQ? They just played it on the morning show... GENIUS.

Posted by: Gabriel | Dec 12, 2005 7:50:18 AM

I got nothing. I'm too sad to yuck it up. Trent is cute as Napoleon, though.

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 12, 2005 7:52:38 AM

Vagina Patterson? Details, please.

Posted by: Diedre | Dec 12, 2005 7:54:25 AM

Well, since I woke up inexplicably depressed this morning, I think I'm going to remain pleasantly in denial about this "new phase of your life" thing.

If one would want to do a "famous short-statured people" Photoshop extravaganza, there's bound to be something one could do with this. For the life of me, though, I don't know why everyone harps on Trent's height. He's like eight inches taller than me.

Posted by: maise | Dec 12, 2005 8:06:05 AM

So we'll have Trent as Napolean, Alexander, Hitler... and Maise.

Posted by: Gabriel | Dec 12, 2005 9:29:01 AM

That would be quite a meta moment for WTC.

Posted by: maise | Dec 12, 2005 9:33:27 AM

hahaha. Maise, how tall are you? I'm 5'1'' I want in on the essay too!

We could put his head on bushwick bill too...

C'mon Dierdre, it would be the best photoessay ever!

I have to reiterate what bex said. Gabe, if you tour the east coast, please let me know... we could have a big east coast wtc party. I'll bring the Goldschlager!

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 12, 2005 10:06:10 AM

If I recall previous posts, I think Buttercup and I are tied at 4'10".

Posted by: maise | Dec 12, 2005 10:09:07 AM

Hahaha Maise! Is that with or without shoes? I guess if you're that short then Trent could fit the profile of tall, dark and handsome. ;)

Posted by: Iris | Dec 12, 2005 10:13:52 AM

That's totally without shoes. I think. Maybe I should make little pencil marks on the door jamb of my office to keep track...

Posted by: maise | Dec 12, 2005 11:40:18 AM

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