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London is grey and I am feeling a little emptied out these days, after all the drama of my romantic interlude in France.

In a way, it's nice to be back in the bosom of my hopeless love, but I can't help feeling sad these days, and sometimes it's just not enough to be licked by a friend's dog while listening to the voice of a faraway dream of a man who doesn't know I'm alive, and probably thinks I'm fucking insane if he does. I'm not, you know. If anything, I'm totally, depressingly normal.

One of my all-time favorite images of Trent, ever, is this one, from the closer video:


I love how, in the video, he holds the nautilus shell, with all its flawless geometrical symmetry, next to his face, and then glances at it, his brow knit in consternation, before looking back at the camera -- at us -- as if to ask what relationship there is between his troubling irregularity and that perfection, while he sings "my whole existence is flawed."

I've always loved that moment because it made me want to yell "YES! You are exactly that perfect!" at the television, and it's a satisfying feeling, because I think that, by seeing that about him, even if he can't, I am helping (just a little) to fulfill the hope there is in his work. Is that crazy? Maybe it is.

I always feel that, as wrong as he might feel he is, there's always been something about Trent that's a bit like Chaos Theory, and all those pictures of Mandelbrot Sets in which equations that seem to exhibit chaotic behavior reveal their complex beauty and surprising organization when plotted after hundreds of iterations, and it's both magnificent and comforting. People always accuse Trent of repeating himself, like that's a bad thing, but I think every good artist has, like, one or two topics that they can never leave behind -- equations that have to be solved hundreds and hundreds of times before they start making sense.

He's way ahead of me, though. Sometimes I think I'll never have the courage to hold that nautilus shell up and even suggest a comparison like that. All of my equations are unsolved. Maybe it's because of how much I've always sucked at math, but sometimes I think my self-confidence gave up the fight a long goddamned time ago. Maybe not, though. Maybe not. I don't know.

Something Trent and I have in common, other than the way we both seem to enjoy wallowing in unrequited-ness, is that we're both "a quart low in the mood department." Maybe it's the holiday, but I'm feeling blue, here in London: uninspired, exhausted, essentially silent, lonely, and as if no one will ever look at me and see the kind of pattern I see in Trent... If I even have a pattern.


Plus, I try to fight it, but I can't help but feel a little sad that, in all likelihood, Trent Reznor will never fuck me like an animal. That's just fucking tragically unfair. As I've said before, sometimes the unrequited love is high-minded and makes you feel rich, and other times? Not so much.

Michel called me yesterday. All I can tell you is that I made the right decision -- not that it makes me feel any better about causing so much trouble with my stupid, romantic longings and the way I tell myself stories that totally aren't true.

I'll leave you all with a poem. It's from Don Quixote, but I changed it up a bit, you know, for Trent:

Either Love has too little understanding,
or too much cruelty, or else my grief's
not equal to its cause, though it condemns me
to suffer this, the harshest kind of torment.
But if Love is a god, then logic tells us
that he is ignorant of nothing, teaches
that a god's not cruel. Then, who has ordained
this terrible anguish that I adore?
If I say you, Trent, then I am wrong,
for evil has no place in so much good,
nor does my woe rain down upon me from heav'n.
Still, I must cry, of that I am sure;
when the cause of this sickness is unknown
only a miracle can find the cure.

I think I need to go home for Christmas. Gabriel? Are you checking in? Can I stay with you?

Posted by Dierdre ~ in inside_dierdre, unrequited_love | Permalink


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Dierdre. I'm sorry you're feeling "a quart low in the mood department" I love that phrase btw. I am too. Most people are. This thanksgiving marks two years since my father moved out, I'd be lying if I said it didn't taint the holiday.

You should return to the states for christmas, hopefully gabe will have returned home.

I love that scene in closer too. The whole closer video makes me ache a little.

I hope things brighten up for you in the near future. <3

Posted by: Nicole | Nov 24, 2005 7:44:02 AM

D., I too am suffering from a quart low. Not just because of the holidays, but because of things in my life in general.

I think many changes are on the horizon. And I feel like that could be the case for quite a few people I know, not just me. I hope that's the case for you too, D.; good changes.

As for unrequited love. I think in ways, sometimes it's better to love from afar. What if you really got to know your unrequited love, and he let you down? And you wondered, how could I have imagined him to be one way, and he wasn't like that at all? I love Trent's music. It does indeed make you think of him being a certain way. I wonder if it's nicer to always think that way of him, and not know for sure?

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it.

Posted by: bex | Nov 24, 2005 11:35:29 AM

Hi everyone. Hi Dierdre, Im glad to see you're back and although I didn't want to say so, I'm glad to see you're not married yet because I was worried you weren't ready for it. I'm a little jealous of your freedom because things arent going so well in the marital dept for me. I screwed up a little with an old ex a while ago and I think I screwed up even more by telling my husband about it and now we're in therapy, and its no fun. At all. And we haven't told our family or the kids or our friends about any of this because we're hoping to get things fixed up but it's quite a burden and it's worse for me because I'm the guilty party. I don't mean to make this all about me. But I just wanted to tell you to hold on to your dreams even if they don't seem realistic. You have that dream for a reason and although things may not work out exactly as you expect, things do happen for a reason. I'm just in a place right now where I wish that I knew what my reason is. I think maybe we're in the same boat even though Im much older. But you have your youth and you have your freedom and enjoy life right now even if you're single. Believe me, you have plenty of time to get married and be a mother and things get MUCH harder after that.

Happy thanksgiving...Id better get off the computer right now because the kids are coming in soon for dinner. I'll check in again soon.....

Posted by: Been There Done That | Nov 24, 2005 2:43:03 PM

Whoo, just got back from my mom's, and I am covered head to foot in the shed hair of her cat. It's all good. So happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Anyway, Dierdre, that's probably my favorite moment from the "Closer" video too, although you've analyzed it much in a much more cerebral way. Mostly I just enjoy him glaring into the camera.

Hang in there, D. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. If it's any consolation, I think I'm just starting to emerge from a nasty bout of depression, and if you couldn't tell from my posts here, it's because this site has always been a lovely distraction from my problems. As Prince sings, "If you don't like the world you're living in, take a look around you. At least you got your friends." And I think I can speak for most of the regulars here when I say that we're all here for you.

As I've pointed out previously, some of the world's greatest works of art have been devoted to wildly unrealistic and unrequited loves. As harsh as some people can be, the world loves a dreamer.

Personally, I think that you're looking for someone to help you achieve something great in life. Otherwise known as true love, this is hardly an alien or crazy desire. Perhaps you have a notion of what that person might look like or be like or sound like, and right now that notion, for you, is named Trent Reznor. Now whether the actual Trent could live up to what you want and need is debatable, but it's okay to give your desires a name. As I've always said, just keep your eyes peeled because the Trent you're looking for may look and be and sound completely different from what you're expecting. But that's what makes life interesting.

I think you're on the cusp of all sorts of exciting things, so take heart. And if Gabriel is still on his quest by Christmas, you can always come to the Windy City and shiver with me on an El platform.

Posted by: maise | Nov 24, 2005 3:35:22 PM

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Posted by: Dom | Nov 24, 2005 4:21:33 PM

Dom - Probably because you stuffed yourself a little too full.

Posted by: Kim | Nov 24, 2005 4:24:48 PM

No, that's not why.

Posted by: Dom | Nov 24, 2005 4:56:22 PM

We may not want the details of WHAT made Dom throw up!

Posted by: bex | Nov 24, 2005 5:06:31 PM

Oooh, look, Dom can plagiarize "Dodgeball"!

Better luck next time, Pumpkin.

Posted by: maise | Nov 24, 2005 6:36:17 PM

Oh, and other things I haven't addressed:

Bex, hang in there.

BTDT, therapy does kind of suck, but I think you'll find it's for the better. It's never a mistake to tell the truth.

Dom, isn't this straight up the cutest Marilyn Manson photo ever? I almost kind of like him like this.

Posted by: maise | Nov 24, 2005 6:39:53 PM

Thanks Nicole, Bex, BDTD, and Maise.

Nicole, I'm sorry about your tainted holiday.

Bex, I don't have any specific imagination of what Trent's like. If anything, I imagine him to be a bit self-absorbed, somewhat short-fused and extremely demanding. I could be wrong. What I'm talking about, though, can only be disappointed on the day he starts making dishonest art. Until then, he is already living up to everything I wanted him to be.

BTDT, good luck with therapy.

Maise, you're both wise and insightful. It's great having a reader like you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Also, that picture of Marilyn is precious. I hope Dom appreciates your effort.

Dom, I'd like to refer you to these comments, because she is SO RIGHT about that throw up joke. Dude: "Moratorium. Called."

Kim, Thanks for always sticking up for us, here at WTC. You are the official bodyguard, and you rule. I love you.

Posted by: Dierdre | Nov 24, 2005 11:40:03 PM

Dear Dierdre,
I am so sorry that you are so sad.
This story remindes me you. This is the most sad and the most beautiful story about unrequited love I've ever read. It's by Austrian classic author Stephan Zweig - take a look, I believe you will enjoy.

Posted by: Margo | Nov 25, 2005 2:29:53 AM

No problem, D. Heh, bodyguard. You know, I'm thinking of becoming one part time in the near future! Just gotta find a place around here that actually needs bodyguards.

"I love how, in the video, he holds the nautilus shell, with all its flawless geometrical symmetry, next to his face, and then glances at it, his brow knit in consternation, before looking back at the camera -- at us -- as if to ask what relationship there is between his troubling irregularity and that perfection, while he sings 'my whole existence is flawed.'"

I never thought of it that way. You are DEEP, haha. Then again, I haven't been able to spot things like that as well as I used to when I was, uh... more in my right mind.

Posted by: Kim | Nov 25, 2005 8:18:15 AM

Dierdre, I don't know why, but this entry, and in fact, the entire "Unrequited Love" series makes me want to post a quote from Victorian art critic and historian John Ruskin. I think it's somehow relevant here:

"All things are literally better, lovelier and more beloved for the imperfections which have been divinely appointed, that the law of human life may be Effort, and the law of human judgement, Mercy."

In all likelihood, Trent doesn't deserve your love, and he probably also doesn't know how lucky he is to have it from so many. Clearly, though, you love him more than the rest of those bitches.

Posted by: Jane | Nov 25, 2005 10:49:28 AM

Oh, D., you're much too smart for me. Here I was, all these years, going, "Yeah, you stare that camera down something fierce!" not bothering to think about the meaning. I love that it's been over ten years and this video still gives me something to think about. Kinda like everything Trent's ever done.

Posted by: emerald527 | Nov 25, 2005 12:00:49 PM

That was nice, Margo. Thanks!

Posted by: Dierdre | Nov 27, 2005 12:19:18 PM

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