[Things_I_Hate: Meathead]

I know everybody's still got their Saltines in a bind after my Christly good Understanding Teeth of Sunday night, but I've got to interrupt the roundabout rhetoric here for a moment and discuss something important.

*******IMPORTANT NINTERNET NEWS FLASH*******
MEATHEAD FUCKING BLOWS NOW

Now I know what you're all saying: "No shit, Gabriel. It's been obvious for months. Thanks for finally buying a cup of coffee, douchebag". And you may be right.

But things weren't always this way.

I remember a day when the guy was actually funny. Yes, that's right, FUNNY. Where you would read the words posted on his website, and they would make your diaphragm spasm invountarily while a repeated "ha-ha-ha" sound emanated from your smiling mouth. And not just, "Oh, some fucking half-breed dim-wit on ETS thinks it's funny" funny, but "I'm a person who reads The Onion and even I'm laughing" funny.

The dark long years between nine inch nails albums were filled with random missives from some nerd somewhere with a pocket full of sarcasm, an appreciation for how silly Trent Reznor's goofy "darkness" could be at times, and a very strong self-awareness for his own retardation as an obsessed fan; to still be in love with the whole NIN shebang while still possessing the self-awareness to know how stupid it kinda was/is.

That's why The Head was great. The intelligent among us know that it's just a teeny bit wonky to be as into this band as we all are -- and Meathead was the outlet for that. He let us laugh at Trent, while we laughed at ourselves for loving Trent in the first place.

Remember "Trent Is Probably Not Dead"? What about the many redonkulous Birthday Cards to Trent over the years? And let's not forget the genius of The Faux Web Cam.

I mean, come on -- great stuff. Made you proud to be a fan. But then something happened.

I first noticed the change after 'Head went to the first new NIN shows. It was quite dramatic, actually -- from funny and biting, openly mocking Herr Reznor like a fang-toothed viper, to taking weak-ass pot shots that were about as threatening as an Evanescence concert.

It's been said in the rumon-mongering corners of the Ninternet that actually become peripherally friendly with the band -- hell, even meeting Leo and Rob -- may have softened Meathead. Maybe he decided to suck because he didn't want to offend Trent. Maybe he just started masturbating more, and that took his attention away from the Perspective. Or maybe he just finally realized what a beanpole blondie fuckwit he actually is, and that the MS Paint joke ran dry years ago, and this soul-crushing realization destroyed his creative drive.

I don't know. All I know is that he fucking sucks. How much does he suck?

Well let's talk about it. What does he write about now? His latest entry, oh-so-stingingly titled "The Dorkwad Spiral" (get it -- it's not the DOWNWARD Spiral -- it's DORKWAD instead! LOLOL, he RULES!!!!!), takes on the messageboard and chat app on The Spiral.

Truth be told, there's much to mock here, but what does he do? He sarcastically ribs it for being "Totally fresh and new and unlike any other Nine Inch Nails-related message board" (hint: this is "funny" because The Spiral really isn't! MAN, HE'S AWESOME! GOT ME AGAIN!). Basically, he's trying to shit all over The Spiral messageboard because it's existence means a huge traffic decline for his faggot friend Leviathant's gay ass Echoing The Sound board, and NIN Hotline site. GEE, that's Totally Fresh and Original meathead! Rip on other people's work so you can save your friend's ass! What are, fucking George Bush, you assface fuck? Is it The Haliburton Hotline or what?

You folks think I'm wrong? Take a look at the latest skin revisions of ETS, and the latest "upgrades" to The NIN Hotline. Gee whiz doohickey, they're all happening right as The Spiral opens! Because Meathead, Saturnine, Levi, and his bitchy wife Cuntolyke are in for a big loss of their Ninternet fame, and they know it.

Guess what? You all have earned it. So SUCK IT, BITCHES.

Let's look at another recent Meathead feature, where he tries to be biting by ripping on the readers of Echoing the Sound. OHH, that's really "Fresh and original", MEATFUCK, considering WE'VE BEEN DOING THE SAME THING, only BETTER, and WITH SOME BALLS, for months now, you pigfuck mutant.

And let's not forget Meatfuck's recent failed attempt at "returning to form" with the oh-so-tongue-in-cheek "Damn It, Jerome" post, where he pretends to be edgy by flaccidly flirting with the notion of Jerome actually dying with his opening graphic, only to reveal his complete lack of commitment, balls, or humor by turning the entire post into a fucking set list riff (that features such zingers as "Not So Pretty Now (whatever the fuck that is)".

Seriously, Meathead, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: STOP. You're not fucking funny anymore, we all know it, I think you're smart enough to know that YOU know it, and when Levi is talking in the "suggestions" thread at ETS about how it's amazing that you've turned out so much quality material over the years, it sounds like a eulogy -- that's because it IS.

YOU SUCK NOW. STOP IT. If you think you can still be funny, YOU'RE WRONG. YOU ARE FUCKING LAME. YOU ARE THE NEW RICHARD PATRICK. To quote Trent, you "SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK".

This poem is for you.

things i hate: meatfuck
words by gabriel

meatfuck
you suck
you fucking dork

hang with the lamers
and the adoring homo flamers
you still know you suck

your fraternity of shit
ms paint this, bitch
can you do a flash movie
of me kicking your ass
all over the ninternet?

trent's not your friend
and when the sycophantic suck off ends
and meatfuck is dead
you'll just be the fuckhole
fuck the meatfuckhole

you're a smart guy
you must know you're shitty now

damn.
must suck to be you

fuck off.