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2007.06.19

[Maise>Avril]

It's been almost a full week of living under the tyranny of the embargo. And although free speech is no longer free at Wearing These Chains, I refuse to worship false idols. Especially when said false idols are so blatantly lame. I mean, come on, even I am awesomer than Avril Lavigne. And I'm not even all that awesome, truth be told. But it is true--I am greater than Avril Lavigne, and here are just a few of the many reasons why. To wit:

10 Reasons That Maise Is Awesomer Than Avril Lavigne:

10. Avril may be oh-so-adorable at 5'1". Such a tiny little thing! I bet it makes her even HOTTER, right? Well, I'm 4'10". If short is good, then shorter is better. OBVIOUSLY.

9. Unlike Avril, I keep my terrible singing to myself in the car on the way to and from work.

8. As a meat-eater, I can more fully participate in "steak and a blowjob day."

7. I didn't piss off Johnny Rotten.

6. Unlike Avril, I haven't peaked too early in life. My Great American Novel? It's on the way, no rush. Meanwhile, with regard to Avril's 15 minutes of fame, she's at about 13:48.

5. I have attained a higher level of education.

4. "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife/And from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." So although I'm not HOTT, I'm clearly more desirable in the long-term. (That otherwise dreadful song is Kid Creole and the Coconuts, in case you're curious. Bet Avril doesn't know that one. EDIT: I was led astray by the Internet on the name of this band, but JR set me straight. The original point still stands, though.)

3. Avril spits on the paparazzi and tells autograph seekers to fuck off. Mmm...classy. Granted, I'm sure all the intrusions and lack of privacy can be trying, Avril, but I know your mama didn't raise you to spit on people. At least MINE didn't. I don't spit on people, knowing that not only is that sort of behavior disgusting, but it also constitutes battery. Therefore, I am greater.

2. She has stupid tattoos. I do not.

1. Considering that she married that guy from Sum 41, I CLEARLY have better taste in men.

And Gabriel says I'm the one in denial? Please.

Posted by maise in maise_bites | Permalink

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Comments

Hey, O Great One, is that band King Creole and the Coconuts like a tribute band to KID Creole and the Coconuts?

Just curious.

Posted by: JR | Jun 19, 2007 8:27:56 AM

Johnny Rotten is my new hero.

I'm sick of all these girly-girl cutesy-poo girls (and guys, actually) who seem to think that owning a skateboard and wearing too much makeup = punk.

Ever hear the song 'I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker'?
I can't remember who it's by, some faceless pop princess who released that one song and then (thankfully) disappeared.
The lyrics are hilarious. They start going on about flowers in hair and the summer of '69. And A Whiter Shade of Pale.
Which are all terribly punk.

Posted by: RainbowVomit | Jun 19, 2007 8:32:51 AM

Ooh, JR! Good catch! I guess JR > Maise > Avril Lavigne.

Posted by: maise | Jun 19, 2007 8:41:29 AM

Hey, Maise, just a suggestion...

Next time you rip off one of my posts, try to also copy that secret essential element -- being funny.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jun 19, 2007 10:21:04 AM

Oh, you know I love it when you're cranky and no fun.

Posted by: maise | Jun 19, 2007 10:29:00 AM

No, Maise, I'm actually giving you some instructions -- if you're going to rip me off, at least be funny.

Otherwise you're just being rude.

Oh, and guess what? Avril is still hott, you're still fucking bitter -- apparently both about her success as well as her hottness -- and we all know it, and it's really kind of embarassing.

STOP EMBARASSING YOURSELF. It's creeping the readers out.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jun 19, 2007 10:34:10 AM

Hmmm... nobody jumping up to defend Maise.

I wonder why that is?

Posted by: Gabriel | Jun 19, 2007 10:53:39 AM

Jesus Fucking Christ, Gabriel.

You know what? Until you learn how to take a fucking joke, I quit.

Say goodnight, Maise.

Posted by: maise | Jun 19, 2007 10:56:34 AM

Where was the joke to take?

Posted by: Gabriel | Jun 19, 2007 10:57:56 AM

Dude, you turned your dog, one of the most loyal creatures on the planet, against you. For shame....

Posted by: Sam I Am | Jun 19, 2007 11:02:01 AM

I know! What the hell? Maise just took a flying leap off the balcony, for Pete's sake! It's Trent's dog all over again.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jun 19, 2007 11:04:34 AM

Well, I'm sure JR will go fetch your slippers and lick between your toes now.

Posted by: Sam I Am | Jun 19, 2007 11:08:30 AM

Did anyone notice Gabriel just used the word "TRENT" - Bye, Bye Gabriel!

Posted by: Sam I'm NOT | Jun 19, 2007 11:20:07 AM

Balls.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jun 19, 2007 11:25:30 AM

Avril = ungtrateful wench, who will lose whatever fan base she has left (mainly 13/14 year olds).

Johnny Rotten said it best. Avril stated she never listen to the Sex Pistols, how can she claim to be the next Sid Vicious? Stupid bitch.

Nice catch Sam I'm NOT, nice.

Posted by: Asylum47 | Jun 19, 2007 1:25:59 PM

If G-man is banned, do I still have to dramatically quit?

NOT THAT I CARE.

Posted by: Wait a minute... | Jun 19, 2007 2:24:24 PM

Where the fuck is Dierdre when WTC needs her?!

Posted by: Hannah | Jun 19, 2007 5:56:01 PM

...maybe she jumped off a balcony in a desperate attempt to save GhostDog....

Posted by: FUCKERNOTTUCKER, please | Jun 19, 2007 8:38:04 PM

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