Hey folks. I've decided to try to boost readership to the site by increasing the influx of traffic from the world's various search engines. Ready? Here we go:
I heard Trent Reznor already has a new iPhone!
I'm flying in the face of Gabriel's bullshit embargo, because, apparently, I am the Paris Hilton of the NINternet, and moreover, this is my website and if I want to send a missive of LOVE to you, dear Sparklepants, my veritable raison d'etre, I fucking well will. I feel like it's time I told you that I love you with the same pure fire, the same undying and eternal flame with which I have loved you since forever.
Dearest Trent! Nothing has changed. My love is true.
I know that with the whole Avril thing that's going on here, the embargo, and all the total bullshit that never seems to stop being manufactured around this website, coupled with our relative silence lately on the topic of your every move and breath -- or even your latest recording -- that maybe I don't love you like I used to. It might seem like that, but, in point of fact, that is absolutely false.
Here's what's true, baby: I haven't been that big into the whole ARG thing. I know, KILL ME! But, I've never been much of a video game/sci-fi fan. I'm a snob, quite frankly, and speaking as a girl who, at one time, read literary theory for a hobby, I have to tell you that it is my somewhat professional opinion that there are, relatively speaking, only but a very few examples of that genre that are worth more than the paper they are printed on, and the narrative contents of this particular example of it have only resisted that generality insofar as they are not actually printed on paper... but that's neither here nor there, in the end.
My sweet love, I know you're all about looking forward into the future of your work, but I'm not sure you've brought your vision to it's full flower in this episode. The truth is it's left me with not so much to say, really. I like your record, of course, because it's yours, and I like you. I mean, I really like you. I like what you are in your bones, and I like what it means that you do it. I like everything about the unfolding process that is your pilgrimage in the land of your work, and when you send us your postcards from that land, I recieve them eagerly, and gobble them hungrily. They have never disappointed me, and nothing about them -- nothing whatsoever -- disappoints me now, because more than anything, it's the process that thrills me.
I am patient, dear Trent, and I await the next communique from your empire as eagerly as ever before. Journey on, my darling, I will always be here, my romantic heart throbbing your sweet name with such ceaseless insistence that it will be as if Avril Levigne and Gabriel Miller NEVER EXISTED.
It's been almost a full week of living under the tyranny of the embargo. And although free speech is no longer free at Wearing These Chains, I refuse to worship false idols. Especially when said false idols are so blatantly lame. I mean, come on, even I am awesomer than Avril Lavigne. And I'm not even all that awesome, truth be told. But it is true--I am greater than Avril Lavigne, and here are just a few of the many reasons why. To wit:
10 Reasons That Maise Is Awesomer Than Avril Lavigne:
10. Avril may be oh-so-adorable at 5'1". Such a tiny little thing! I bet it makes her even HOTTER, right? Well, I'm 4'10". If short is good, then shorter is better. OBVIOUSLY.
9. Unlike Avril, I keep my terrible singing to myself in the car on the way to and from work.
8. As a meat-eater, I can more fully participate in "steak and a blowjob day."
7. I didn't piss off Johnny Rotten.
6. Unlike Avril, I haven't peaked too early in life. My Great American Novel? It's on the way, no rush. Meanwhile, with regard to Avril's 15 minutes of fame, she's at about 13:48.
5. I have attained a higher level of education.
4. "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife/And from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." So although I'm not HOTT, I'm clearly more desirable in the long-term. (That otherwise dreadful song is Kid Creole and the Coconuts, in case you're curious. Bet Avril doesn't know that one. EDIT: I was led astray by the Internet on the name of this band, but JR set me straight. The original point still stands, though.)
3. Avril spits on the paparazzi and tells autograph seekers to fuck off. Mmm...classy. Granted, I'm sure all the intrusions and lack of privacy can be trying, Avril, but I know your mama didn't raise you to spit on people. At least MINE didn't. I don't spit on people, knowing that not only is that sort of behavior disgusting, but it also constitutes battery. Therefore, I am greater.
2. She has stupid tattoos. I do not.
1. Considering that she married that guy from Sum 41, I CLEARLY have better taste in men.
And Gabriel says I'm the one in denial? Please.
I don't know about you, but I've HAD IT with this Avril Lavigne shit. She's "okay" but it's time to get back to what made this site great...YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN. Besides, I've received something VERY COOL in the WTC inbox and simply must share.
Although The Old Man's been really quiet lately, it seems he's been making a LOT of progress on the Year Zero movie. He's been working extensively with visionary auteur Terry Gilliam and some very impressive A-LISTERS. Here's a sneak preview, just for WTC readers...
Here at Avril Is Resistance, it's hard to know which era of our FAVE ginger/blonde/black-haired angel is the bestest. There's so many SEXXXY looks to choose from, there's only one thing to be sure of: No matter which Era of Avril you're looking at, it's gonna be HOTT!
But we're like to hear from you, dear readers -- which Avril Is YOUR Favorite?
I don't know, it's hard to know which era of Sparklehair I love the most. But vote away, Avril-ites! Who's your Fave?
Well folks, it's come to this.
Maybe it's the fact that the ARG died so abruptly, without fully delivering on the immense promise it held, that had has all so excited. Maybe it's the fact that "Year Zero" didn't really come through on the whole "makes you wanna fuck" vibe we were hoping for. Maybe we're just older, and tireder this time around -- and maybe Trent is too.
Either way, pickins is slim when it comes to talking about Herr Reznor these days, and here at WTC, it's pretty much boresville. Earlier today, the topic of TEH SEXXIEST EVAR -- Ms. Avril Lavigne -- came up, a GODDESS who Maise will not acknowledge the hotness of because Maise is bitter and jealous. Between the two, we found this former home of scathing sarcasm and hopefully funny insight turned into a turgid turd of denial and lethargy.
So that's it folks. Until Maise owns up to Avril's hotness (or until Trent does something fucking interesting, which won't be for another like 10 months, if we're lucky), there is now an EMBARGO ON ALL THINGS TRENT at WTC. Any comments about Trent Reznor will get you banned.
This may also be referred to as The Boredom Embargo.
I hope you're happy Maise. Nice work.
Sheesh, you readers are quieter than my first-grade class after Sister Elizabeth paddled someone. Quieter than a university's folklore library at closing time. Quieter than the vacuum of space. Quieter than...well, you get the picture.
I mean, I can yap all day about all kinds of Bono and bullshit, but I'd like to hear from YOU, our reserved, reticent, restrained readers. And specifically, I'd like to hear what you all REALLY think of Trent's new album. Although all the anticipation and hype has died down, and the ARG has been set on pause, there really still is a lot to talk about. Ponder these questions, if you will, and then, let's hear from you!
Are you still listening to Year Zero? What's your favorite song on it? Least favorite song? Where do you think it ranks in terms of Trent's body of work? How do you feel about Trent getting sci-fi political on us? Do you think the ARG helped or hurt the album? Where do you want the story to go? Do you even want it to continue? What do you think Trent should do with the ARG? What do you think he should have done? What the fuck is "Vessel" about? Would you want to see a Year Zero movie or miniseries? Do you think the album leak hurt its sales? Why do people buy Avril Lavigne records anyway?
All of these topics are up for grabs, people. Well, except the Avril Lavigne thing anyway.