A great woman once said, "I believe the children are our future." And that statement was never more applicable than now, when the very existence of humankind is on the line a mere 15 years from now. It shocks me that the AIR movement has never sought to address the children of today. After all, who is it who will be at the forefront of the resistance movement 15 years from now? Why, the three-, four-, five- and six-year-olds of today! We have to grab their supple little minds NOW. We have to educate them NOW.
Although Year Zero may not be the most comforting of bedtime stories, our lives and theirs depend on their understanding concepts like Parepin and the Presence and Red Horse Vector. Of course, we want to introduce these ideas to them in a way that is developmentally appropriate and appealing. That's why I've created "Year Zero for Wee Ones," a children's poem and coloring book. Enjoy and share it with a child you know.
and dinosaur themed party
hats! Oh My! Why
this means a special
someone’s big day has arrived!
Happy Birthday, Trent!
You turn 42
this year. Here’s some fun facts in
case you didn’t know.
You are five hundred
and four months OR two thousand
one hundred ninety
one weeks old. You know
my Mom still refers to my
age this way. Does yours?
You have now reached
the maximum enlistment
age for the Army
but since you're siding
with the Resistance it's not
really a problem.
Sadly there are no
that taste worth a damn
under fourty two
calories. But splurge. It’s your
birthday after all.
sings you Happy Birthday in
lady voice. So cute!
Best wishes from the crew at
What up, bitches. So as you probably know by now, after two cancelled shows Pastor Mike Reznor and his technicolor rock machine Nine Inch Nails resumed touring in Australia the last two nights. We've known things were going to be somewhat different this time around -- incorporating songs we'd all never heard before, such as "Last", "We're In This Together", "Into The Void", and whatnot -- which was a welcome change to the geriatic SNOOZEFEST of a setlist that was being trotted out during the With_Greatest_Hits tour of 2005-2006. But little did we know how different.
Last night, Nine Inch Nails played a show that did not include "Closer", "Hurt", or even (okay, this one sorta sucks) "Terrible Lie".
All I can say is, THANK FUCKING HACKEY SACKING CHRIST.
I guess you FINALLY realized that I was fucking right, Old Man -- it only took you two goddamned years. I mean, no matter how much you dress up "Closer" with "sweet" breakdowns like that one from "The Only Time", it's still a song we've heard exactly ONE BILLION, FOUR HUNDRED SEVENTY SIX THOUSAND, AND TWELVE TIMES. Same goes for "Hurt". Yeah, we know, you hurt yourself today, BLAHBLAHBLAH. Trust me, it was fucking boring all of us -- not just you.
But since you've decided to cut this shit from your set -- and by this action once again admitting you are a reader of mine (It's cool dude -- I like your shit, too) -- I've got some more suggestions for you...
Songs You Need To Fucking Quit It With
I Am Serious
a list of shit that will make Trent suck less, by Gabriel Miller
I don't care that this is from the new record, and I don't care that you think this is a "song". It sucks as the opening to the record (if it's a mood-setter, shouldn't the mood not be fist-raped by the bouncy "Beginning of the End"?), and even though I haven't seen it yet, I know for a fact it sucks live. Use "Pinion", and "Pinion" only. Bring back that fucking bedsheet even, and do your spooky shadow thing; I don't care. But "Hyperpower!" as been Hyperass since you revealed the title. Don't kid yourself.
2. "Something Damaged"
We all know you were fucked up when you made The Fragile, but seriously -- have you ever read your lyrics on this one? This is what Wierd Al would write if he were doing a NIN parody, only minus the irony. "Broken bruised forgotten sore / Too fucked up to care anymore"? Stabbing Westward called; they want their suck back. And yes, we all know you think you're clever because the song is in 9/4, or some other musical bullshit, so the dumb kids up front get all confused trying to mosh and trip on each other, but seriously -- just cause I can shit in 9/4 doesn't mean I should do it on a stage.
3. "Something I Can Never Have"
I love this song as much as anybody, but come on man -- you've got to be what, almost 50 now? Don't be such a fag.
4. "You Know What You Are"
Yes, I know what you are -- WASTING MY TIME. When I open up Garageband there's a demo song that's called "Hard As Nails" and it is this EXACT SONG. Obvious, boring and DUMB DUMB DUMB. Yes, the retarded 14-year-olds can sing along to it because pretty much the ENTIRE CHORUS is spelled out in the title of the song and it uses the FUCK WORD (oh, hooray) but this songs sucks like Marilyn Manson on Robin Finck. STOP IT.
Okay, dude -- do we really need a 14-minute song of you wanking off playing cheesy 70's wah-wah disco guitar, only without the wah? And then the neat lyrics to this one; oh, POWERFUL! Maybe this was cool back in the day, but I seriously think these days you're just going backstage and changing out your colostomy back or something and want the extra time in case you spill. Eraser this from your laptop and GET ON WITH IT.
This song rules on record. One of the best on Teeth. But sometime in rehearsals you apparently thought it would be a really good idea to change the whole thing over to a guitar based song, apparently so it could "suck more." Seriously, this is just embarassing live. I'm suprised the audience doesn't just turn their back on you so they don't have to see their idol fail so miserably in front of them. When it comes to thinking this song is good live, there is no us, there is only you.
7. "Help Me I Am In Hell"
See 1 and 5 above. Seriously dude, this is even less of a song that "Hyperass!" -- it was just something cool to listen to while you watched a guy eat flies. If you want to waste our time with it opening your set, and setting a tone of boredom, feel free, but in the middle of it all? What, is this your Axl Rose oxygen tank break?
8. "Starfuckers, Inc."
You know how I feel about this shit sandwich already. You've been doing good so far, but just like heroin, some things are easy to slip back into. Stay strong. You can do it. We believe in you.
9. "March of the Pigs (clapping mix)"
You can try to push it all you want, but you just look like a fucking tard at a county fair. The clapping DOES NOT WORK, it HAS NEVER WORKED, and it WILL NEVER WORK. We're all FINE with being your little piggies and whatnot, but dude -- KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE MIC AND YOUR CROTCH WHERE THEY GODDAMNED BELONG.
Seriously, you can rag on My Chemical Romance in the press all you want, but you know what they love to do live? LEAD THEIR FANS IN CLAPPING. That's right, bitch -- you're stealing shit from My Chemical Romance. Embarassed yet?
10. "Head Like A Hole"
Yes, it is the song that put NIN on the map for most people. Yes, it used to be a great way to close shows and get everybody excited. Yes, it kinda sorta is still relevant with the whole God Money thing (which cleverly is pretty ambigious and not really about anything specific). But Give It A Rest already. It comes at the same place in every show, is played the exact same way, we all know how it goes -- shit, we all know the individual backing parts at this point. When the audience can differentiate between Jeordie or Aaron fucking up their backing vocals, a song is overplayed.
I'm sure many of the little shit newbie fans that have jumped on board since WT would be just SO SAD, because "HLAH" is their FAVORTIST SONG EVER next to "Closer", but FUCK THEM. This song is played out -- I know it, therefore you know it, and certainly everybody that's seen you more than once knows it. Maybe if you tried something new with it, like doing it to a salsa beat or something it would have some life (I've got a Casio with some sweet beats on it, if you want to borrow) , but unless you plan to give it a radical facelift, DROP THIS SHIT FROM THE SETLIST. Not only will you stop boring the shit out of ME, but you'll suddenly feel a glowing warmth overtake your body -- that is what Mel Gibson likes to call FREEDOM, my man. Embrace it.
So there you go, Mike. Ten steps on how to kick some ass. You know what to do -- now don't be a douche.
Oh, Auntie Em, I was trapped in the most terrible argument, where all we did was debate about Bono and sweatshops...But it wasn't a dream. It was a post. And you and you and you...and you were there. But you couldn't have been, could you? No, Aunt Em, this was a real truly live post, and I remember some of it was kind of entertaining, but most of it was pretentious, and all I kept saying to everybody was "I want to go home," and they sent me home! Doesn't anybody believe me? But anyway, Toto, we're home! Home. And this is Wearing These Chains, and you're all here, and I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again. Because I love you all. And...oh, Auntie Em! There's no place like WTC.
It just brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? I mean, remember when this site was about Trent Reznor? Our reader, guru shabd does. That's why I found this in my email account:
Yes, Guru, Trent does look hot, but there's also something a little off about him in this pic. He looks really pale and is probably overly airbrushed, and he looks just a tad angular and...yeah, he kind of DOES remind me of Spock, as mentioned by someone (I forget who) in The Thread That Shall Not Be Named. You know, I think it's the hair, actually. And the sideburns. Not that Spock doesn't have a sexy quality to him. Oh, and for shits and giggles, check this out, courtesy of Iris.
Btw, any of our Australian readers have the scoop on why Trent cancelled the 5/11 show? I don't feel like searching through ETS, so any news, updates, and outlandish conspiracy theories can be posted here! Also, I'd like to remind all of you that we welcome guest reviews of concerts (especially the good stuff like pics and vids). Send us your reviews, and we'd be happy to take a look at them. We can't promise you anything re: posting because we have to review for quality, and we're kind of grammar nazis in our way, and we're also really fucking lazy sometimes (as anyone who's submitted Bad Art knows).
All righty, then, gentle readers...you can all come out of hiding, now!
Morning addicts, no need to caffeinate.
Internet whiners, put away your hate.
For today is a very special date!
It's the anniversary of the birth of our own Iris Deflowers.
She popped out of the womb with innate Photoshop powers.
And for our entertainment, she's worked hours and hours.
Any image you need, Iris can create it.
Looking at her portfolio, even Trent would have to admit
That our genius Iris...well, she is THE SHIT.
Not only that, but she's a loyal and brilliant friend.
On her wise counsel you can always depend,
Until about 15 years from now, when Trent says the world will end.
But thoughts of doomsday we will downplay.
Iris, I hope you're having a wonderful day.
I think it's time for an online soiree!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IRIS!!!
So you all may have noticed that Gabriel's kept kind of mum about his "big important secret revolutionary gathering symposium happening event weekend." It occurred to me, friends, that Gabriel's uncharacteristic lack of expressiveness in this matter is not quite what it appears to be. I mean, when has Gabriel ever failed to speak his mind, even when grossly uninformed or simply stubbornly ignoring objective fact? And something that he believes in as strongly as THE CAUSE? Please--if he really cared about it, he would have written a Stank song about it by now.
Since that weekend, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that Gabriel's motives are hardly as pure-hearted and civic-minded as he claims. And normally, as his manager, I wouldn't bust his ass out online over it, since it's kind of bad for business for me to air our dirty laundry to the internets, but this time...this time Gabriel Miller REALLY HAS GONE TOO FAR.
Let's go back a couple of weekends ago, just before Gabriel was set to leave for his weekend of "underground art." Gabriel and I had a phone conversation that is more or less directly transcribed below:
Me: Liebchen, I'm positively stoked for this weekend! I'll bring l'orangerie stank merchandise, some AIR flyers I just put together on the fly, travel Yahtzee, the peanut butter...
Me: You know, so we can make our presence known at this event!
Me: Yeah. Our. You know. Gabriel and Maise. Artist and manager...
Gabriel: Who crawled in your diapers and gave you the idea that you're coming with?
Me: Um, run that by me again?
Gabriel: You're a ghost dog.
Me: Er, yeah. I can get in for free as your pet.
Gabriel: You're not my pet.
Gabriel: You're not my pet. The Gabriel Miller doesn't have pets. Pets are a waste of Gaia's precious resources, and anybody in their right mind with a pet, would eat said pet, and decrease the surplus population!
Me: Oh. I see.
Gabriel: So... uh... I'll tell you about my awesome time when I get back.
Me: Have a nice fucking weekend. Asshole.
[I hang up]
Okay, so that's what went down. And I'm not ashamed to admit that some tears were shed, boys and girls. Never in all my life or afterlife has ANYONE even dared to tell me...but you know what? It's not about me. And it's certainly NOT about the fucking resistance or Year Zero or any kind of movement. If Gabriel cared THAT much about preventing the events of Year Zero from becoming our not-too-distant future, he would have insisted that I join him. I mean, a super-elitist resistance would be beyond retarded, right? If you want to change the fucking world, you need all hands (or paws) on deck.
So I came to the conclusion that this incident and EVERYTHING THAT GABRIEL MILLER HAS EVER DONE AND WILL EVER DO is about one thing and one thing only.
Of course he didn't want me there that weekend! Your loyal, dependable manager/fuckbuddy is a bit of a hindrance when the only thing you're after are the patchouli-stinking asses of 19-year-old blonde hippies in the desert, isn't it? I hope the threesome with "Sequoia" and her twin sister, "Granola," was worth it, buddy.
Meanwhile, it is time for me to CALL GABRIEL OUT on being completely full of shit and thinking of nothing but his dick THIS WHOLE TIME, regardless of all his recent sanctimonious prattle.
Want proof? Oh yes, I have it. IRREFUTABLE, bitches.
Click away, if you dare.