« [With_Gas] | Main | [Inside_Dierdre: Total_Boredom] »

2007.03.26

[Closer_to_Prague]

Howdy, cunts!

This is Gabriel Miller, reporting live, from a fucking dope ass Internet cafe in Prague. That's in the motherfucking Czech Republic, which is in motherfucking EUROPE, whores.

Yes, that's right, we are all here -- to my left is Maise, barking for the ball she really wants, and beside her is Iris, acting like she's all nice and innocent... but I think we all know there's some wicked twisted shit going on her crazy fucking mind.

Because that's the way we roll. Gothemo Gangstas, bitches, and these be my ho's.

Cause I am motherfucking Gabriel.

So you're probably wondering where Dierdre is. Well, like the whiny complainer she is, upon our arrival she's been busy doing "important shit", like her "job", so she can "make money", and "pay for the flat we're all staying in and we should be grateful instead of complaining like a bunch of ingrateful American bastards."

Well American bastardization is what we do best, so European or not, bitch needs to chill, nuccas. Chill down real cool.

Well, okay, at this particular moment she may not be working.... at this particular moment she may have kicked the three of us out of her flat for violating the sancitity of her personal space. See, when we arrived Dierdre showed us a gift that some dude she just started seeing gave her. She was all excited, it made her happy, like a little girl, BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBARFFUCKINGHELLBLAH.

What was this precious token, you ask? This wonderful bauble of the promise of true impending love?

A fucking STUFFED MONKEY. I shit you not, Dear Readers. A fucking stuffed monkey -- WITH VELCRO FEET AND HANDS no less. I mean, I'm a romantic with the best of them, but cut my cock off and call me Dorothy -- A FUCKING MONKEY???????

Anyway, the three of us thought it was kinda GAY, because, well, IT IS. So after Dierdre left for work, we thought we'd have some fun... you know, in anticipation of this coming week's events (something about a band with a jumping leprachaun named Trent Reznor, maybe you've heard of them, NINE INCH NAILS? I mean, can we FUCKING FOCUS HERE?) So, in honor of the greatest cinematic acheivement of all time, the video for "Closer", we staged a little recreation for Dierdre upon her return.

Personally, I thought she'd be excited. She showed up at her flat, we had the song ready to go... we were singing, the lights were dimmed.... it was all perfect. But miss EUROPANTS didn't like it so much. She threw an enormous shitfit.... and that's how we ended up here drinking absynthe. Waiting for her high bitchness to cool her tights. I think she'll come around... I mean check it out my friends, did we really do anything THAT offensive to her fucking plushie hump toy?

Monkeychristweb

I mean, HOW AWESOME are Iris, Maise and I, right? WE STILL CELEBRATE the real reason for this website: NINE INCH FUCKING NAILS. But if DIERDRE KEATING wants to hold to some stupid ancient principle about "personal space" and make a statement, then she can go fuck herself. I never liked her anyway.

Well, I hope she comes around eventually. She has all the concert tickets for later this week.

Posted by Gabriel | Permalink

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d83451cae469e200d83525f2b069e2

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference [Closer_to_Prague]:

Comments

Dudes, Homegirl needs to get a sense of humor. I mean, her monkey is just looking on the bright side of life! She should too. But maybe she wouldn't feel so antagonized if you weren't constantly riding her about this guy she's dating. He seems nice enough. I mean, why would you care that much? All right, let's get out of this cafe--you promised to buy me that studded leather collar before the show.

Posted by: maise | Mar 26, 2007 6:13:30 AM

That's right bitches...none us are actually talking to each other. We're in this internet cafe...sipping our absinthe in TOTAL FUCKING SILENCE passing the computer round and round bitching about Dierdre and her damned coniption fit.

I still am blaming Gabriel for our current state of homelessness. You'd better hope she cools her fucking jets because I'm not spending my vacation time living on the madd streetz of Europe!

Posted by: Iris | Mar 26, 2007 6:21:23 AM

You bitches crucified my monkey, and you can all fucking sleep under a bridge for all I care. Also, I am selling your tickets to people who aren't really even fans, because I have fucking HAD IT with your shit.

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 26, 2007 9:56:04 AM

I know it doesn't really need to be said, but...

GABRIEL=BRILLIANCE

I mean, I'm sure he had Maise and Iris help him out getting the monkey on there--maybe he even had them find the twine or whatever--but it was his idea and it was GREAT.

Posted by: JR | Mar 26, 2007 10:32:08 AM

And any guy who would give you that monkey is pretty f'ing queer. Unless he gave it to you tied up on a cross.

Posted by: JR | Mar 26, 2007 10:35:05 AM

That monkey makes me think of the Closer video. Where was Trent's bleeding heart when they were crucifying the monkey in his video? Where's the Peta footage of that?

;-p

Posted by: Tessah | Mar 26, 2007 12:08:31 PM

Hilarious!

Posted by: Angelman | Mar 26, 2007 1:07:04 PM

Fuck you, JR. The guy who gave me that monkey is the sweetest, dearest man alive, and that monkey means a lot to me. All you judgemental, Gabriel-loving idiots can suck my imaginary cock.

I've had it with you people.

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 27, 2007 1:22:26 AM

i dont get why you are so fucking pissed over a monkey, dierdre? babe it was just a joke. calm the fuck down!
i thought it was pretty fucking funny!!

Posted by: rickireznor | Mar 27, 2007 7:57:52 AM

Don't call me "babe," you stupid whore.

Love,
Dierde, [With_Teeth]

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 27, 2007 10:51:19 AM

You know, there's a lot of interesting graffiti in Europe, which you might not normally notice unless you're sleeping under a goddamn bridge. AND Gabriel was looking for a little something something, can you fucking believe it? Worst. Trip. Ever.


Posted by: maise | Mar 27, 2007 10:54:13 AM

Ok. I'm just going to say it: THIS WEBSITE SUCKS. I am quitting.

Bottomline: I don't GIVE A FUCK about your imaginary dog fuck fest, and I don't care if you all die of exposure. Fuck all of you.

And while I'm at it, fuck all of you fucking idiots that post your fucking retarded drivel on this website. I hate all of you.

This used to be about Trent. Now it's about nothing.

Terrible Lie.

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 27, 2007 10:57:36 AM

I've only got one thing to say: MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED.

This place used to be interesting, funny, clever, entertaining, before it became the CESSPOOL OF SALIVATION AND DRIVEL that YOU YOURSELF drove it to, you humorless monkeylover.

Are you really trying to threaten ME, with you leaving? Gee, I didn't know it was fucking CHRISTMAS already Dierdre. I've been looking to dump your ass since fucking LA JOLLA, and FINALLY -- now, thousand of miles away -- my dreams are finally coming true.

Ooooooh, big scary girl, SOLD OUR TICKETS! Ever heard of EBAY? It's on the Ninternets, maybe you've heard of it. And you better hope you see me in hell before you see me at the concert -- of which Iris, Maise and I will be attending both nights of -- or you'll be getting a big mouthful of my big time hard line bad luck fist fuck, BITCH.

Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 27, 2007 11:02:06 AM

And when Gabriel tries to bring it back to His Trentness (a la putting yer stuffed monkey on a cross), you fuh-reek out. Mixed message? I think you prefer your fellow WTCers at arm's length (read: an ocean-plus away).

Maise, it would be so awesome if you bit Gabriel and then posted a pic of it here.

Posted by: JR | Mar 27, 2007 11:03:05 AM

Yes, please. Let's debate the direction of this fucking fansite while it gets dark and the temperature drops.

Dierdre, you are a BAD HOST. Gabriel, you remain an idiot. Iris is the only one not on my shitlist because she just stole some sausages from a street vendor. Thank fucking God.

Posted by: maise | Mar 27, 2007 11:05:56 AM

They have Snausages in Europe?

Posted by: JR | Mar 27, 2007 11:09:10 AM

You know JR I've just about fucking had it with all of your sucking up. Quit licking Gabriel's ass. It makes it more than a little awkward hiking to our next sleeping accomedations (the next bridge underpass over) with a tongue between his cheeks.

Maise, next time I'll try to remember to swipe some mustard.

Dierdre, fuck you. It's just a tied up monkey. It's not like we fucking crucified it in the traditional sense. There were no spike marks in his arms and legs...I'm sure your BF didn't even see it. Just pretend it didn't happen like you pretend you don't hump the thing nightly screaming Trent's name.

Posted by: Iris | Mar 27, 2007 11:14:50 AM

He did see it, and he was really offended. I had to cut the monkey down while he averted his eyes. And, I never hump that fucking monkey becuase I have a MAN. Something you can only dream about, you retarded, twisted fuckwit. I only scream Trent's name when it's appropriate: at NIN concerts, which I don't believe any of you will be attending, regardless of Gaybriel's totally transparent e-bay bravado.

JR, about my fellow WTCer's, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, only, I would prefer if they were inexorably swirling into a black whole vortex in outer fucking space. I've never had worse houseguests in all my fucking life.

FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 27, 2007 11:21:47 AM

Iris, you'd better check yourself before you wreck yourself. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I suggested that Maise BITE Gabriel! How much more the opposite of sucking up could that be? Huh?

And I'm sorry if you're jealous that I thought Gabriel had an AWESOME idea in tying up that stupid, nappy-looking monkey. You try harder next time and maybe I'll like your idea. But no promises. It's pretty hard to top Gabriel's brilliance, innit?

Posted by: JR | Mar 27, 2007 11:22:15 AM

Um, I'm sorry Dierdre, did you just refer to somebody that was offended by the hanging of your plushie as a man? Maybe we have our definitions of masculinity confused, or maybe you're just a fucking IDIOT.

JR -- keep it coming, you sweet thing. I'll give you all the pictures you want. Believe me, Maise will bite whatever I tell that CANINE WHORE to. And I would like you to send me some pictures as well -- you know, your freshly shaved woojahjoo, or maybe since you annilingus skills are so supreme, you can send me a picture of your spread backside so i can get ready to return the favor.

Everybody else shut the cunt up. I AM GABRIEL, I am here in Europe, and I've got a legion of fans that will be wearing L'orangerie Stank shirts in force and NIN shows this week. You know why?

Because I rule. Rock With Your Cocks Out, you fucking piggies, if you know what's good for you. MY REIGN HAS BEEN FORETOLD.

Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 27, 2007 11:30:21 AM

Oh, and Dierdre? I thought you were "quitting"? Shut the hell up and leave all of MY FANS alone.

They've got some worshipping to do.

Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 27, 2007 11:31:10 AM

JR you are the biggest fuckatard of all the inane commenters we have here at WTC. You say that having Maise bite Gabriel is some sort of insult? If that's the case then why are there like 30 fucking channels of "are you lonely tonight, call me for a good time" channel commercials playing nonstop on every TV we pass in our lonesome, homeless state of events? You're not only retarded in the fullest sense of the word you're also an uncultured cunt! Try reading Frommers sometime.

And Gabriel...oh pathetic bitch with his "fortold reign"? Your fortold reign is nothing more than some coked out whore came up with who can't even keep a fucking BF...have you seen her site lately...she made a fucking commercial about killing her man! I'm just saying you better watch your ass (when JR doesn't have her tongue firmly planted against it) because that bitch is crazy.

Posted by: Iris | Mar 27, 2007 11:45:31 AM

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that:

Once again, Further Proof That I Rule

And cool your jets, Iris. What's wrong with a little cocaine sex now and then?

Okay, a LOT of cocaine sex.

Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 27, 2007 11:47:51 AM

Gabriel for president.

Posted by: Angelman | Mar 27, 2007 11:48:25 AM

Gabriel is the Charles Manson of our generation and I am a more than willing Tex Watson.

Amen.

Posted by: Angelman | Mar 27, 2007 11:49:31 AM

The comments to this entry are closed.