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[Yeah, I'm_Pretty_Awesome]

I was originally gonna entitle this post "Pretty Hot Fuck Machine", which is what I have stenciled above my bed at home (because like John Leguizamo says in Moulin Rouge, "I only speak the truth"). But I decided it didn't break up over two lines nicely, and I don't really need to call attention to how fucking HOT I am -- after I ear-fucked you all you already know it.

But you know, sometimes it's good to take a step back and remember how much you fucking rule. Like I did this afternoon, when i receved an email from a reader -- a little minx named Gabriel's Whore sent me yet another missive. Ms. Whore has been writing to me off and on since April, and normally I don't pay attention -- I mean, when you front the Gothcoustic Folk Powerhouse L'orangerie Stank like I do, the ladies are just a fact of life. Plus, I don't like to encourage the daffy twits for the most part, but something about this one made me think it warranted further attention.

From: Gabriels Whore <************@yahoo.com>
To: gabriel@wearingthesechains.com
Date: Aug 14, 2006 7:02 AM
Subject: you've been on my mind alot lately

(my) request

seduce me
lead me

tie me
to a chair

torture me
pry from me

sweet confessions
quakes of surrender

take from me
all i possess

leave me

*begging for more*

as always on my knees
your personal whore

After you've stopped masturbating to the awesome sexiness I inspire, check out that link up above folks, as sent to me in the email, and witness the final confirmation of my fucking genius.

That's right. The first Gabriel Miller fansite has arrived. Suck it all down, my sweet little bitches, suck it all down....

Oh, and one more thing:


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Oh holy fuck. Holy fuck fuck fuckety fuck.

Hey, is it just me or does "Carol Miller" on that page totally look like a serial killer? I think it's something about the wig *and* the sunglasses that makes one feel as though one is engaging in pillow talk with Buffalo Bill.

I'm just absolutely speechless. In fact, I think I'm going to have nightmares. Plus, the fact that life is just fucking unfair.

I don't even get a *t-shirt* around these parts, let alone a *goddamn fan site*!!!

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 2:57:00 AM

I love Gabriel's Whore!!!!!

Posted by: Dierdre | Aug 15, 2006 3:24:47 AM

Oh yeah, and Gabriel, you total fucking whore, MAKE MAISE A GODDAMNED T-SHIRT. I mean, when you get finished jacking off over your new fansite that you probably made for yourself.

PS. I don't have internet for a couple of days, bitches, but I'll check in when I can. Behave yourselves, ok?

Posted by: Dierdre | Aug 15, 2006 4:03:15 AM

Yikes! Gabriel you are such an attention whore. It wasn't good enough that you did a cover and we apparently gave you some mediocre reviews, so you went and made yourself a fansite? How much ego fluffing does one man need and can one man actually give himself?!

If you would have just told me that you wanted your title back as Queen of the Empire of Filth I would have gladly handed over Mr. Pink. I think this is what they call overkill. Plus you really need to start using those Photoshopping skills for the good of WTC and quit trying to promote yourself as the sexier version of Trent, although “Carol Miller” did make me laugh.

Posted by: Iris | Aug 15, 2006 5:34:09 AM

Oh no, back to the dark days of Dierdre without the internet! I suppose I'll have to find something to hang on to. Like the Whore's site. It is just...epic.

Hey, everyone, what do you think Trent is thinking here?

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 7:02:48 AM

Intimidation. See how his shoulders are all hunched?

P.S. The Lair of Stank is brilliant.

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 7:17:26 AM

Is cute little cartoony Gabriel grabbing the Whore's ass in this pic?

I gotta say, I'm impressed.

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 7:29:26 AM

Maybe more than that...he winking and she looks pretty surprised...

Who knew?

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 7:31:58 AM

Gabriel, do you look that CUTE in real life when you've got a shit-eating grin on your face?

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 7:36:39 AM

Uh-oh, I think Gabriel's got another recruit...

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 7:45:58 AM

That avatar is priceless!

But for reading content I'm not so sure about these "poems". I mean "saran wrap me to the kitchen table and use me as your breakfast plate"? Even with the saran wrap it doesn't sound that hygienic. That and the last time I checked I'm pretty sure that paper plates were cheaper than plastic wrap.

Besides that what the hell is with this “chic” thinking that he’s going to dominate “her” (that is to say if it’s not really Gabriel)? I think I already demonstrated in the last attempt at a Saul Williams thread that Gabriel is the submissive little bitch of the relationship. Gabe, you think by writing up more crap about how you can have control over a woman is going to make us believe that you’re not swinging from both sides of the fence? Au contraire. If you were trying for that I think you slipped up with the “size 11 red fuck me pumps” reference.

Posted by: Iris | Aug 15, 2006 7:51:49 AM

She hangs on Gabriel's every word, yet she calls him "cave man lover" with a straight face?

There are *no* gothemo cave men. Sorry.

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 7:54:38 AM

In a world where there are fansites devoted to Leif Garrett and David Cassidy, I'm not at all surprised by this revolting turn of events.

Posted by: Baal Glyttr | Aug 15, 2006 7:55:48 AM

Iris, I'm sorry, but I think you mean {the obviously intentionally misspelled} "peoms".

A little more evidence of the writer's identitiy:

Fuck me.
Fuck my cooter.


But let's face it: by even commenting on this, we're already Gabriel's whores, so we should just revel in it.

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 7:58:47 AM

Yeah the spelling is pretty atrocious in places. Sergeant Spell Check Jane is going to have a field day with this one. What was it she said about misplacing just a semi colon? Scorched earth? It seems to get worse with the in the comments sections. But maybe it's hard to type while "dangling in chains ". Have you noticed the other groupie subscribers there? I’m surprised Gabriel’s other little “14 year old friend” isn’t there…or maybe she is. Anyone see any ferrets?

Posted by: Iris | Aug 15, 2006 8:16:36 AM

Though I haven't had time to do more than scan the site, I did notice a reference to the 14yo, you know, the inspiration for the whole site Gabriel built.

I also love how in the section directly following what you linked up Iris, there is a reference to "Physical: Insertion" being the song that Gabriel took from Trent (oh, I mean "Trank"). You know, like how Trent says "Hurt" isn't his song anymore since Johnny Cash covered it.


(Eat your heart out, Meathead; The Lair of Stank is the best indirect NIN parody site out there.)

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 8:22:30 AM

I should have included that I LOVE the parody of a parody site. If that makes me Gabriel's bitch, so be it.

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 8:23:42 AM

Well I guess I should correct myself. Sergeant Spell Check would have a field day if Ms. Whore even decided to post this junk on WTC. Which makes me wonder, why hasn’t she ever posted on here? It’s not like Gabriel hasn’t given her ample opportunity with the other thread dedicated to her e-mail. What’s the matter honey? Too afraid to come forward or are you just tied up in a closet somewhere?

Posted by: Iris | Aug 15, 2006 8:29:08 AM

I want them *all* to post here! I love them all!

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 8:34:16 AM

JR you possibly bring up a very scary point. What if the source of all this is Meathead? Holy shit you guys! Could Meathead be secretly harboring a man crush on Gabriel? Could he be trying to win his own contest of “Hey look at me” (which btw, did he ever announce a winner for that)? If I wasn’t completely nauseous by the “poems” before I think I’m going to go vomit now.

Posted by: Iris | Aug 15, 2006 8:47:59 AM

O.M.G. If it were Meathead, he'd either be the Captain Ahab of the ninternet or it would be true luuuuuuuurve.

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 8:53:02 AM

LMFAO! Gabriel I hope you didn’t get all funny feeling, you know, *down there* when you were reading this shit if it does turn out to be Meathead!

Posted by: Iris | Aug 15, 2006 8:59:23 AM

I just can't get over these pictures. Gabriel with the sunglasses is very Blues Brothers-esque.

And Gabriel, you've got at least five groupies on there...is there really enough jizz to go 'round?

Posted by: maise | Aug 15, 2006 9:03:22 AM

.....I think I'm disturbed.

Posted by: KittyKins | Aug 15, 2006 9:50:25 AM

You're all kidding, right, when you say things that make it sound like you don't think that site was created by anyone other than Gabriel himself?

He's a genius.

Posted by: JR | Aug 15, 2006 9:59:34 AM

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