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2006.05.13

[The_Secret_Life_of_Gabriel_Miller: Gothemopussy]

[And now…the thrilling conclusion!]

As Gabriel Miller swam in the depths of the Pacific, he felt a sense of tranquility that had eluded him for days. He was glad that Trent Reznor was swimming next to him; you could see the burning lust for revenge in his steely gaze and tense trapezius muscles.

The CIA, as represented by Agents North and Sheridan, was not officially involved in this rescue mission, of course. But seeing as it was keenly interested in the existence and location of any Doomsday weapon that could be pointed at the legion of enemies of the government (such as Iran and Stephen Colbert), Gabriel and Trent were able to obtain some unofficial supplies and help. For example, they were provided with some innovative scuba gear, designed by Agent Robert Sheridan himself…

“You know how when you’re working deep underwater, you’ve got all that ungainly scuba gear?” Agent Sheridan asked rhetorically, “Well, if you put this simple, small device in your mouth and inhale and exhale normally, you will have a supply of fresh oxygen for 14 hours.”

“Amazing!” marveled Trent.

“Ummm, Rob?” Gabriel began.

“Yeah?”

“That’s…uh…that’s a dildo. Like, a 13-inch black dildo. With veins and everything.”

“I know, isn’t it cool? I mean, no. No it’s not. I don’t know where you’d get that crazy idea from.”

Gabriel’s reverie was disturbed as the headquarters of the Zodiac suddenly rose up impressively and ominously in front of them. Gabriel led Trent to the entrance of the large sewer pipe, through which they would enter the structure. Trent had originally been skeptical as to the soundness of this plan, but Gabriel had insisted, “Dude, it will be just like the ‘Pinion’ video.” For what seemed like an eternity, they swam through the filth of some of the deadliest spies and assassins in the world. Finally, Gabriel indicated to Trent that they should break through the pipe. Using a piece of his microphone stand and brute force, Trent smashed through the pipe, and they climbed out into a large and curiously unattended control room. “We’ll look for Alessandro in one of the interrogation rooms,” Gabriel suggested. “But we can’t be seen.”

Meanwhile, a weary Alessandro had spent the last twelve hours in an interrogation room, being grilled relentlessly by Scorpio, who despite her admirable cleavage and friendly smile, was getting nowhere. Peaches, aka The New Aries, sat next to Scorpio and drummed her fingers impatiently against the table.

“Per l’ultima volta…non lo so niente di mio padre o del suo lavoro. For the last time, I don’t know anything about my father or his work.”

“Do you always have to say everything in two languages?” Scorpio asked in exasperation.

“Ich kann auch deutsch sehr fleissend sprechen…”

This smart-ass moment on Alessandro’s part resulted in a frustrated Scorpio’s placing a grapefruit-sized black scorpion on the back of his left hand. “Eeeeeeuuuurrrrrrrggaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!” exclaimed Alessandro, a sentiment that was understandable in any language.

“That’s enough, Scorpio,” Capricorn stated authoritatively while entering the room, “you can remove your pet.”

Scorpio scowled, lightly picked off the scorpion that was steadily crawling up Alessandro’s trembling forearm, and placed it in her pocket. Capricorn then set up a laptop on the table in front of him. After pressing a few keys, she turned the computer towards him. He was shocked to see the face of his worried father.

“All right, Capricorn,” Death sighed, “I see that you have him. I’ll talk.”

“Excellent,” Capricorn purred.

“Son,” Death began, “I'm so sorry...I never meant to get you involved in any of this, but I did a terrible thing. Remember when I went to see your concert in New York City last year? Well, I hid the Doomsday weapon in your keyboards. I never thought they’d touch you…mi dispiace.”

Alessandro thought for a moment. “Ma è distrutto! But…but Signor Trent smashed those keyboards to bits during a sound check a week or two later. I’ve been using the new ones ever since.”

“Che?” asked an astonished Death. “Whaaaaat?” growled Capricorn.

“Ma è vero…it’s true. Those keyboards—and your damnable Doomsday weapon—were destroyed.”

Capricorn slammed the cover of the laptop down. “Kill him,” she said to The New Aries and Scorpio through clenched teeth and walked out of the room. At this moment, Gabriel and Trent, who had been hidden in an air duct above, came crashing down from the ceiling. “Signor Trent!” Alessandro cried happily.

Gabriel and Trent stood before the two women. The New Aries was armed with a chain that she was swinging over her head, and Scorpio brandished a whip. “Get them!” Gabriel cried, rushing forward, nunchucks aloft. But he sensed that Trent was not following him. He turned around. “Dude, what the fuck? Come on!”

Trent sighed. “Well, it’s just…you know…they’re chicks. I can’t hit women. And look, there's Peaches! She is the SHIT.”

“Trent, come on. These aren’t ‘chicks'...they’re deadly assassins. I’ve battled their type a hundred times.”

“Okay, then you handle that, and Alessandro and I will find those escape pods you were talking about.” He and Alesssandro then rushed out of the room.

“Argh, fucking Trank!” Gabriel cried. Fortunately, a nunchuck strike to The New Aries' chest and a roundhouse kick to Scorpio’s head was all it took to neutralize the threat that they posed. Gabriel then quickly joined Alessandro and Trent. They ran down the corridors as alarms were sounding. Suddenly, they were stopped in their tracks as they faced down a masked man wearing a jester outfit. “You!” Gabriel seethed as he stared down his longtime adversary in the rival Tarot—The Fool.

“Yo, whassup, nucca. Long time, no see.”

“You killed my Aries! You threw her off of the Rock of Gibraltar!”

“Yeah, shit happens, nucca. I had to toss that bitch.”

“You sound kind of familiar,” Trent observed.

“Shut up, Trent,” Gabriel replied, “this isn’t about you.”

“Chill out, nucca. Why you gots to be all emotional all the time about shit that don’t mean shit? I come here looking for some motherfuckin’ Doomsday weapon. Then I hear that it’s been broken by TR during some shitfit. Surprise, surprise, nucca. But am I all out for vengeance and shit? Nah. I’m just going to blow up this motherfucking toilet in the sea. By the way, y’all gots about 30 seconds to get out of here. Later.” The Fool then ran past them in the corridor. Gabriel and Trent and Alessandro looked at each other for a moment and then sprinted towards the escape pods.

The members of the Zodiac were not unaware of the threat, and they were scrambling to get into all available escape pods and launch away one by one. Finally, Gabriel and Trent and Alessandro found themselves facing Capricorn herself for the last remaining pod. With a diabolical laugh, she held a gun to Gabriel’s forehead. Gabriel clenched his teeth, awaiting his almost certain demise.

Trent calmly approached her and quickly tapped her seven times at various points on her torso. Capricorn fell to the ground with a gasp and lay there motionless. “You know the ancient art of Dim Mak?” Gabriel asked in astonishment.

“A little skill I picked up between albums,” Trent shrugged. “It’s all about the pressure points…I haven’t killed her, but she’s not going anywhere either.”

“We’ve got about five seconds,” Alessandro pointed out monolingually.

“Don’t leave me,” Capricorn hissed.

Gabriel and Trent exchanged a guilty look. Trent sighed, “Well, she’s an older, evil chick, but she’s still a chick.” Gabriel agreed. Trent carried her, and all four entered the escape pod, just moments before the Zodiac headquarters detonated spectacularly.

And in the end, Capricorn was picked up off of the shore of San Diego by Aquarius in her boat and in gratitude for Gabriel’s life-saving actions, agreed that he could finally retire in peace. Agents North and Sheridan were fired by the CIA for allowing the Doomsday weapon to be destroyed under their very noses, but they were rehired by Trent, who was working on his new album. Alessandro and his father participated in some family therapy in Italy. And Gabriel happily realized while surfing one day that his poetic muse had returned to him once again. ("The stars aligned against me...can never escape my past..." he muttered as a small wave knocked him off of his feet.)

As Trent said over a celebratory virgin strawberry daiquiri, “Everything is right where it belongs.”

[The End.]

Posted by maise in tales_of_terror | Permalink

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Comments

P.S. I can't vouch 100% for all of Alessandro's dialogue. My college language classes were a loooooooooooong time ago. So, you know, some suspension of belief may be required in my action-packed thriller.

Posted by: maise | May 13, 2006 11:42:09 PM

And what a thriller it is, Maise! I believe the title says it all :) I like how Trent destroyed the Doomsday weapon in a fit of pique and nobody even realized it. I always enjoy your fanfic Maise, it's got Explosions! Escape pods! Multilingual confusion! The Ancient Art of Dim Mak! More Explosions!

Great stuff :)

Posted by: Muskles | May 15, 2006 8:35:45 AM

I knew Trent would know Dim Mak. Leave it to Trent, man. What a stud.

Posted by: Jane | May 15, 2006 9:57:26 AM

Personally, I loved Trent's reiteration that Peaches is "the SHIT", the part where Gabriel busted out his now patented "Fucking Trank!", and Charlie Clouser; that nucca is pure gold.


Posted by: Dierdre | May 15, 2006 10:03:23 AM

Thanks, guys! Ugh, migraine today. I feel dreadful...

Posted by: maise | May 15, 2006 12:32:59 PM

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