You know what, people? I think the first phase of WTC has fully run it's course. It's time for us to come clean about a couple of things. With that in mind, I hereby present to you the official WTC FAQ. It's a long one, folks, and it may be a shocker for some of you. I apologize for that, but without further ado:
How did this batshit insane website ever get started?
Once upon a time, there were two geeky, aesthetic theory obsessed, college kids who totally bonded over their ridiculously over-invested love for Nine Inch Nails, circa 1994. They waited with baited breath for The Fragile, but it was a bit of a scary, worrisome disappointment in their eyes, and by that time, one of them had disastrously dated the other one's sister, and they weren't speaking. After that, the Nine Inch Nails fever receded to a position of dormancy, much like the virus that causes cold sores to emerge on one's lip: it never dies, but sometimes you don't have to experience the final indignity of it for... uh... let's just go with 6 years. At which point, some fucking thing triggers a re-emergence. That thing, in this case, was the phoenix-like resurgence demonstrated by our man Trent on [With_Teeth]; a beautiful record that we both loved so much it made us sick.
E-mails were sent, long lost friends were joyously reunited, and so it was that the Nine Inch Nails flame was rekindled in their hearts with a new brightness. Hallelujah!
There is no word in English to describe our anticipation of the tour that would follow, but compulsive personal exigence required us to know every single detail of news breaking from within the Empire of Dirt. That exigence led us to a fateful encounter with Nine Inch Nails themed messageboard Echoing The Sound, where we discovered something shocking: Nine Inch Nails fans are almost relentlessly retarded, mean-spirited, ass-licking, puritanical and fascistic. From the endless, dunderheaded analyses of song lyrics, to the ritual humiliation of girls who love Trent, and abject mediocrity of the poetry published by forum members in the "creative" section, we were shocked to find that a work of art so marked by intelligence, real depth, and a surprising subtlety could spawn a fanbase that spectacularly moronic.
One fine day, while we waited in line for an embarrassing amount of time to see the one artist for whom either of us would suffer such a thing, we hatched a plan. How could we let the steam off of our own hilariously intense fascination with the collected works of Trent Reznor, while simultaneously taking the piss out of ourselves and that guy with the full-on frankenbuckle costume in line in front of us? How could we avow our own undeniably burning desire to be on the rails for the Nine Inch Nails club date while satirizing the mentality of that one girl who, in addition to sleeping on concrete at the venue for three days, was bristlingly willing to threaten others with physical violence for daring to come between her and her worship of Trent Reznor's shiny new muscles? Oh, hi Violent 'n' Delicious! You are a total bitch!
Thus, WearingTheseChains.com was born: the website of Gabriel Miller and Dierdre Keating, Nine Inch Nails fans extraordinaire.
Who are Gabriel and Dierdre really? Like, in real life?
Briefly, "Gabriel" and "Dierdre" are both professional writers. The author of Gabriel's schizo insanity and totally brilliantly awful poetry is a fiction writer and musician, and the author of Dierdre's nutbag Quixotic love and incisive photo essays is a journalist and photographer.
What about Mimi? How did the French epicure with the golden pen get involved?
The genius who writes Mimi was one of the few sharp-witted members of the ETS community (yes, there are some!) who saw us, early on, for what we were: satirists and chain-yankers. She thought our little jokes were funny, and wrote to tell us so. Before long, we felt like pretending to be Gabriel and Dierdre full-time was disingenuous, and cramped our ability to get to know a really cool girl better, so we told her our little secret. She was delighted. We invited her to contribute.
Obviously, we all agreed that no satire fan-site could ever be complete without totally ludicrous fanfic, and "Mimi" found herself more than equal to the challenge. I think we can all agree that she is one hilarious Frenchie. If you haven't read "Jerome The Vampire" yet, I really suggest that you get on it, because it fucking kills.
How old are you guys?
That depends on whether you mean Gabriel, Dierdre and Mimi, or US, the real people who write them. Gabriel is 23, Dierdre and Mimi are 22. If you mean the "real us," we were late college age in 1994. You do the math.
Did you really start this website to satirize and yank the chains of Nine Inch Nails fans to previously undreamt-of success?
Yes. We totally did.
Awesomely, we so enraged the brass at ETS that they gave us special "Carol Reznor" status, filtered our names, substituting their every appearance with words denoting sex toys and gynecological conditions, and endlessly flamed, derided and had at us for months, thus playing into our hands with a relish that continually surprised and delighted us. Oh, how we laughed! Finally, they banned us from playing in their sandbox. We couldn't have been more delighted.
Our crowning achievement, however, was when an entire column of Ninternet staple "The Meathead Perspective" was dedicated to telling us how deeply reviled we are. Using characteristically colorful terms, Meathead fumed and ranted, and then wore one of our shirts to the Nine Inch Nails show in Wilkes-Barre, PA, with [Wearing_These_Chains] crossed-out, and [FUCK] scrawled above it in black magic marker. There is no way that we could have SCRIPTED a more hilarious response to our website. We literally rolled with laughter and pleasure.
To this day, other than the shirts we bought for ourselves, Meathead has been our only t-shirt customer. How awesome is that?
That's so mean! Did you really hate Meathead?
No. Absolutely not. What's to hate? In fact, we all loved his column, which featured spot on send-ups of the Trent Reznor mystique, and Nine Inch Nails fans' enslavement to it, for years. We loved the way he took the piss out of it all with obvious love and affection. However, we also both agree that, recently, "The Meathead Perspective" had been holdin' on too tight, and had lost the edge.
We thought Gabriel's totally ludicrous rant about how "MEATHEAD SUCKS NOW" would be over-the-top enough to be clearly A JOKE, but we also thought people might laugh about it that time when Gabriel wrote poems to Trent's microphone and shiny pants, and Dierdre purportedly saved Trent's hair in her mouth to clone him later, and waxed lyrical about that time when she touched his nipple in London. Personally, we thought Mimi's fanfic, in which crack-house Trent breaks a supermodel's nose, and knows the taste of his own spunk was fucking hilarious, but that could just be our whacked out sense of humor. I guess it's never wise to over-estimate the discernment of one's readers.
When we're feeling generous, we're still stumped, as to whether Meathead cleverly got our joke, and returned the silly venom in kind, or really and truly got all mad. Sadly, we suspect that he actually got mad, and we must say that the terms in which he reviled us are not a very flattering portrait of him. But, as Dierdre would say, WHATEVS. He's tough. He can take it.
Either way, it's been hilarious, and I do hope Meathead will accept our heartfelt thanks for all of his help in making our silly website NINternet famous, which we now extend.
So your time at ETS certainly takes on a different color now. What was your favorite moment at Echoing the Sound?
G here -- it's hard to say. We had a lot of exchanges that were pretty priceless, from the reactions to the various L'orangerie Stank releases, to the overwhelming frustration we elicited from everyone in the shitlist by simply not going away no matter how many third grade stunts they pulled (yes, I'm talking to you, Orestes!)
But I think my favorite moment came courtesy of Eugenie de Franval:
i call extreme bullshit on pclare. you are trying to tell me that there is some type of sophisticated satire going on here that we are just not getting? or is it, by your estimation, we are supposed to appreciate humor that is not funny and in bad bad taste. this is all your supposition, of course, gabriel/dierdre haven't gotten to the level of desperation where they start claiming they were "just kidding". but how does any of what you just posted make even a scintilla of sense?
in essence, you are saying that these swifties have it all over us, because we are mocking their bogus blog which is weak and unfunny.
pclare, all of what they are doing and your "criticism" runs completely opposite the entire meaning of the word, satire. satire is where one mocks the afflicted. that is what we are doing.
Yes, my dear Eugenie, a sophisticated satire that you were not getting is precisely what was going on. And the type of afflicted being mocked, my dear, was you.
And though I know you had a fun spell as Jesus on ETS -- of "Hi PCLARE!!!!!" fame -- please take this as notice that PClare knew the score on this one from the get-go, and even tried to tell you as much... but you couldn't see past yourself.
One thing WTC has taught us, my friends, is that you can't fix stupid.
Are you nothing but a bunch of ironic, cooler-than-thou, lying hipster bitches?
Yes and no. Two of us lived in Hollywood for years and years, and unfortunately, ironic hipster bitchery is contagious there. We may be guilty of it in some respects.
However, one thing that all of us are totally unironic about is the fact that we love art, literature, and music, more than anything, and the collected works of Trent Reznor rank amongst our favorites ever. One thing we are totally not lying about is that we will always be grateful to Trent Reznor for the things his work has shown and given us in the most squeamishly sincere way possible; a way that makes the ironic hipster part of us go "Eeeew!" All of us truly believe in the power of art to explain us to ourselves, and to change people, so we take it pretty fucking seriously. Mixed in with all the silliness on WearingTheseChains.com are moments when we have been more truthful than we really care to admit.
So, yes, we are bitches; and also, yes, our love is real, embarrassingly serious, and utterly geektastic. We savor it proudly.
So, let me get this straight: I've been reading WTC since it started, and I thought Dierdre, Gabriel and Mimi were real! Were you totally making fun of me? Do you think I'm a retarded, mean-spirited, ass-licking, puritanical, fascistic loser who is worthy of satire?
Honey, we are ALL worthy of satire, but as for all that mean stuff, no! A thousand times no! We love you, dear readers. We think you are the bees knees! We love the way haiku wars spontaneously erupt in our comments, and we have seriously enjoyed the many interesting, intelligent conversations about the work of art we all love that have taken place on our pages. We have had our moments of thinking "Holy Fucking Jesus, is s/he fucking kidding?!" with each of you, but at the end of the day, we have found you to be sweetly sincere, lovely creatures and we adore you. Most of all, we love the way you let your freak flags fly.
Moreover, and more importantly, we think there are more legitimate responses to a genuinely affecting work of art like the one Trent Reznor has wrought than are dreamt of by the administrators of messageboards who are inhibited by their desire to seem cool, detached, uninvested, unmoved, and not sexually aroused by a man in tight, shiny pants who regularly shows us his heart so effectively. People who spend what I can only assume are hours and hours, for YEARS, painting that picture on a NINE INCH NAILS MESSAGEBOARD.
As much as we wanted to yank a few chains, we also wanted to create a space where people felt free to be honest and say the things that are so verboten elsewhere. It's disappointing to us that an artist who made his place in our hearts so permanently by saying all those things he shouldn't say, and by ferociously avowing and insisting on the validity of his own truth, regardless of how embarrassing or transgressive it might seem to everyone else, should inspire his fans to be so intolerant of one another, but alas, it is so. That is not true on WearingTheseChains.com. Everyone is welcome, and no one will ever be banned. [I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I'll ban whomever I want -- and you're first, Keating. --Gabriel]
As silly as WearingTheseChains.com sometimes is, if I may make so bold as to say so, the strength of it has always been that it is salted with absolute sincerity and moments of completely unalloyed seriousness. We aren't ALWAYS kidding. But, to our dear regular readers and commentors, please know that we adore you, and don't be angry at us for having you on!
We Love The Pain!
Best Regards on behalf of all of us at WTC HQ,
Dierdre Keating & Gabriel Miller
PS. If you have any other questions, bring 'em on, hosers.
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And it's probably time for me to confess too, folks...I really am a dog.
Posted by: maise | Mar 9, 2006 1:46:33 PM
Maise, I think you have the perfect response to all this. And what a cute dog you are too! Must be so hard for you to type those lenghty posts you sometimes have with no thumbs.
Posted by: Iris | Mar 9, 2006 1:50:31 PM
Thank you, Iris. That "Typing with Mavis Beacon" program works wonders.
Posted by: maise | Mar 9, 2006 2:02:01 PM
Oh, and my Frequently Asked Question for Gabriel is, "When will your self-imposed exile end?"
And this better not be "Requiem for WTC" because as of 4:19 CST, I am still employed at this thankless, yet strangely scrutiny-free office...
Posted by: maise | Mar 9, 2006 2:19:33 PM
Whoo! Unpaid overtime!
LOL...ETS has *already* locked a thread on this!
I love it...I love the Internets...I love NIN fans...but I love Dierdre and Gabriel and Mimi most of all!
Posted by: maise | Mar 9, 2006 3:16:00 PM
i still think you guys are idiots
Posted by: johnnyhildo | Mar 9, 2006 3:17:13 PM
Awwwwww... the Kool Kids went and locked a new thread about us over on ETS.
Wouldn't want people talking about what dunderheads the ETS mods are in the general ETS forums, now would we?
Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 9, 2006 3:34:38 PM
Wow. I wish I could set up a similar sort of identity for myself. But no: every single comment I've made here is true, me writing as myself. I really am 22, from Detroit, studying journalism and into BDSM, just as I've been saying. The only thing made up is my screen name.
All this coming clean doesn't mean I love you bitches any less. *sappy sappy*
Posted by: emerald527 | Mar 9, 2006 5:46:16 PM
stop saying silly.
Posted by: | Mar 9, 2006 7:00:07 PM
i am so fucking lost. though slightly relieved. i was starting to worry about the mental health of "dierdre". honestly. my devotion to Nine Inch Nails is for real but.. yeah, it was becoming unreal... wait... so i'm still lost. does this mean its all over? this is so beyond.
Posted by: Tori | Mar 9, 2006 7:22:32 PM
l'orangerie stank is fake right? cause that's honestly just... well i dont want to be mean.
Posted by: Tori | Mar 9, 2006 7:27:31 PM
Wait, who's saying "silly?"
Gabriel, I totally scooped your ass on that ETS thread.
Tori, I should hope that it's not all over, as that would require me actually working at work, and that is a completely unacceptable concept. So maybe Gabriel didn't *actually* stick "The Chalice" down his trou (or so he says) and maybe Dierdre doesn't *actually* think of herself as Trent's mystical lover (or so she says), but I still think there's a lot to chat about and obsess over. I'm not out of haikus yet, dammit!
Posted by: maise | Mar 9, 2006 7:44:27 PM
This is too funny! Just the other day, I was thinking, "You know, the spelling and grammar on WTC are far better than anything else I see on fan sites. I wonder if something's up."
Nevertheless, a couple of questions, since I'm not really familiar with the other fan site/forum: Is this a direct response/parody of the other site? Based on what you've written, it seems like it was inspired by the other. I'm not sure why, though. Because it sucks? Or something else?
Also, are you going to continue the site? Since I'm unclear on the precise motivation for the site/joke/what-have-you, I'm also unsure what the assumption here is. It seems like kind of a hurtful thing to do to the people who really dug the "message" of the site (specifically, you can come here and dork out about NIN with other similarly-minded fans). That's just my perspective, though.
So, if you guys are professional writers, what sort of stuff do you write in "real life"? How did you find time to put this together? Is it really necessary to go to all this trouble to make fun of goofball NIN fans?
Hmm. Something seems off. But, then, when was it ever "on" around here?
Posted by: C | Mar 9, 2006 7:50:16 PM
Oh, and I still want to be the Stank's manager.
"Okay, Gabe, here's your performance schedule for this weekend: St. Mary Margaret's Grammar School for Girls, the Golden Slumbers Nursing Home, and Steamworks--my friend says that's probably one of the cleaner bathhouses in the city..."
Posted by: maise | Mar 9, 2006 7:50:49 PM
C, when this websiste started, it was meant to be a quick lark -- something that we would just do for a just a few weeks or so, just see how riled up we could get people -- but once it picked up some speed, it was just too much fun to quit, and then, over time, we really started to like our readers. More than that, though, this website was a great way to get our juices flowing, and creating these characters and their story was a really enjoyable creative endeavor.
Personally, I don't want to go too deeply into the stuff I write for money, because I'd like to keep a little bit of my privacy, but it's pretty different.
This site seems like a lot of effort, but it's created on a template-based software, and after the initital set-up, all we do is insert text every couple of days, which, when three of us were writing, wasn't much work for any one person. You may have noticed the recent lull -- only one post this week -- and that's because both Gabriel and Mimi have been too busy to contribute, and I'm too busy to write this crazy stuff every day. But, having said that, I don't own a television, and I do entertain myself with this shit. Judge that as you will.
Also, we really do love Nine Inch Nails much more than is strictly necessary, and it is a pleasure fo us to write about it, just like it is for folks the Ninternet over. We do come here to geek out, JUST LIKE OUR READERS... who I hope will know that our meanness was totally not for them!
Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 9, 2006 8:29:12 PM
I feel betrayed. I really enjoyed looking down on Dierdre, and more importantly, giving Bex shit. Now what am I going to do?
Posted by: Jane | Mar 9, 2006 8:37:51 PM
I first saw this site awhile ago. I have read Pictures of You, browsed and read a few other of the posts, and saw a few of your posts on ETS. I'll let my limited exposure be my excuse for never being able to decide, no matter how much I internally debated it, whether you two were for real or just making a parody. I prayed it was an internet fake, because it would be probably the most brilliant and hilarious one I had ever seen, and because it would be really super fucking creepy if gabriel and diedre were real. I know that there are people like them out there, but I like to just not think about it. So despite being creeped out, I kept visiting WTC occasionally because it is also so fucking hilarious, and knowing now that it's all a joke means I can keep my faith in humanity intact for a little while longer. I have to agree with "C" that you are impeccable writers (which makes since now that we know that's what you do for a living), and I have to agree with you that ETS members can be real bitches. I wouldn't call myself a fangirl, but their zero tolerance policy toward any positive comment on the band's appearance is especially annoying. About Meathead- he always seemed like a sharp guy to me, I'd be surprised if he didn't at least the consider the option that you guys were joking. Finally, if I had money to burn I would totally buy a t-shirt, and pretty pretty please keep those photo essays coming, they are to die for!
Posted by: RL | Mar 9, 2006 8:39:37 PM
Eh. I've done my share of identity play myself. I once had that same messageboard convinced that I was a coked-up groupie who'd slept with Trent, and couldn't wait to kiss and tell. It's a lot of fun, and it's a great way to learn about people and the way they react to the bizarre. That said, carrying on like this for almost a year seems more than a little ridiculous, especially since it's been months since your names have come up on ETS.
As art (you do see it as art, don't you?) what you guys have done is pretty subpar. What's the message? That late-20s young professionals who still carry on like teenagers over a Nine Inch Nails tour ought to get a clue? That message board moderators should quit being so mean? That the internet's anonymity allows you to affect whatever image you want, and that this can lead to some pretty hilarious situations? That NIN fans are easy to dupe? Well, duh, to all of those. The ones that aren't completely juvenile aren't exactly profound or interesting ideas.
When my aliases ran roughshod through ETS, they tended to last a couple weeks (with the exception of a few characters who still pop up from time to time). I didn't want to ruin the joke, and I had better things to do than try to be convincing. Now, I'm a bored college kid. I have a lot more time on my hands than I imagine you guys do, as professional writers. Is the business not treating you so well? Also, I would have hoped that people being paid to write would have learnt that most important of entry-level writing lessons: say what you want to say and then quit, because dragging things out dilutes your arguments and makes the jokes stale. For god's sakes, read some Chekhov already.
As an aside, I have to wonder what sort of professional writer would use "my dear" twice in the span of two sentences.
Posted by: rated x | Mar 10, 2006 3:00:52 AM
Rated x, I'm not sure we had such an elaborate plan that there is any one message here, and certainly not one that has anything directly to do with our ETS rivals, or the internet and its awesome possibilities for false identity. I also agree with you that the heyday of our joke played on the ETS crowd peaked some time ago.
I can only speak for myself -- not so much for Gabriel or Mimi, but I consider this website entertainment, and wouldn't go so far as to call it art. I mean, I guess it's an "art project," but if you mean that in some deeply meaningful, pretentions-to-greatness kind of way? No, not really.
Honestly, my prime motivation for Dierdre, has always been two-fold: first, even if no one else agrees with me, I think she's fucking hilarious. I love her Quixotic passion for Trent, and her idealism. I'm not sure the real me completely shares it (and if I did, I certainly wouldn't express myself in her terms), but something in me wishes like hell that I did. I know that's egotistical, but there it is.
Second, I think that little (and big) girls "fall in love" with the likes of Trent for very valid and important reasons, and that those very real emotions are part of a process that is by no means stupid or creepy. I hate that they are made to feel ashamed of those feelings, which are absolutely a legitimate response to the specific work of art that Trent Reznor has rigged up.
(On this tip, I strongly recommend Jolene Siana's totally fucking excellent book Go Ask Ogre, as a record of how her obsessive love for Skinny Puppy frontman Nivek Ogre, and willingness to totally embrace and express it, probably saved her life. Siana's willingness to go all the way to the extent of writing Ogre obsessive letters for YEARS on end are not a sign of sickness and weakness, they are a sign of her health and the fundamental strength of her drive towards something finer. Her love for Ogre was part of her process as a human being, and was not unlike the process by which a healthy body becomes feverish in it's effort to kill the sicknesses that infect it.)
I think humiliating girls for their ideal loves is odious and misogynistic, and I wanted to argue a counterpoint to that attitude, which runs rampant everywhere that discussion of Trent Reznor and his dog and pony show is found. The bottomline is this: not every girl who says, "Goddamn, I love Trent in a way that totally fucking aches me" is a desperate cuntrag would-be groupie. I think I succeeded, on some days, in doing that with Dierdre on WTC. You are free to agree or disagree, of course.
In view of all that, I, personally, love that people come here to say what they can't say elsewhere, and I hope that this lifting of the veil will not stop them from feeling free to continue to say it here.
For all those who are asking if this is a requiem for Wearing These Chains, it's not. Obviously, things will change, but it's not going anywhere.
Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 10, 2006 4:23:46 AM
I have read your site constantly since its inception and I have to comment and say you guys RULE. I have never laughed harder at any site than I have at yours. I have to say, my favorite installment was Gabrielle flying to France to save Diedre from her wedding, I waited with baited breath to see how that would end up. I cannot wait to see where you are taking this site next!
Posted by: melissa | Mar 10, 2006 5:54:28 AM
I think anyone with a clue would know that there was much more to D, Gab., & Mimi by the quality of their writing.
I'm a shitty writer, and I even worse speller (as Jane loves to remind me of).
I've thoroughly enjoyed visiting WTC, and did fall for the D. almost marrying the geezer thing. Was so happy when she didn't. Sometimes art imitates life..other's life..but life none the less ;)
Anyhow, can't wait to see what's next.
And Jane, you can still give me shit...I actually love it. Don't know who you are...where you are....if you happen to be going to the Atlantic City or Richmond NIN shows, let me know, I'll buy you a drink!
I'll post on Monday, let you guys know how the show was. I'm very excited about this particular show because I'm going to be with about 20+ friends. Weather's going to be great. And, I received some awesome news first thing this morning (which I'll share with you all at a later time).
Everyone have a great weekend!
Posted by: bex | Mar 10, 2006 6:19:04 AM
Wow, isn't rated x blase? You, sir/madam, have slain me with your world-weariness.
No, it's not fucking Chekhov. (Although maybe D and G could talk the government out of a couple of small grants.) It is, however, a shitload of fun--people who share my current musical obsession and who aren't so *dead serious* about it. And perhaps the initial purpose was straight-up parody, I felt that it moved well beyond that. I think everyone would have lost interest if every day was "Pin the tail on Orestes or whoever" day. Yesterday I remembered when Gabriel was going through his born-again Christian phase and had simultaneously posted some Photoshop horror of Trent as Hitler, and the whole thing was just so batshit and godawful that I laughed out loud then, and remembering it makes me laugh out loud now.
So, no, it's neither Art nor lit-ra-chure, but then, neither is the Fish-Slapping Dance. And *thank God* for that!
Oh, and you think you're a bored college student? Just wait til you get yourself into a cubicle or the like...
Posted by: maise | Mar 10, 2006 6:58:50 AM
Oh yeah, the born again phase..with photo shopped pics. Loved it! LOL!! That stuff is priceless!
And, I second what Maise says about being bored. Working on my 11th year of cube hell. I have so much to offer the world, but I gotta pay the bills. Enjoy college while you can...with all its stress & what not...it's not dull...not like what awaits you!
Posted by: bex | Mar 10, 2006 7:22:41 AM
Oh and Dierdre? I second your thought about the rampant misogyny in most types of pop culture fandom. I am truly a big fan of Meathead's, but look no further than that dreadful Christmas groupie cartoon, which was about as long as some David Lean epic.
Personally, I'll take delusional romance and futile idealism over hipper-than-thou snideness any day. And sure, Dierdre was fictional and exaggerated and would be rather alarming in real life, but the *real* comedy was watching people get so frothy-mouthed about the whole thing when they were clearly Reznor-obsessed themselves (in a more sexually repressed fashion).
Posted by: maise | Mar 10, 2006 7:34:03 AM
Fuck you all.
Posted by: Dom | Mar 10, 2006 7:43:52 AM
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