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[The_Secret_Life_of_Gabriel_Miller: Back_in_Action]

Am I the only one who’s ever noticed that Gabriel is just a little cagey re: his personal life? I mean, we all guard our privacy and anonymity to a certain extent, but we barely know anything about the boy beyond l’orangerie stank and brief allusions to certain ill-advised sexual encounters with some friends in San Diego. As with Trent, we have no idea what Gabriel does behind the scenes, and I think that he is no less worthy of some fanfiction than “notre amour.”

So in honor of our webmaster and record-breaking spunk producer, I present my own creative interpretation of The Secret Life of Gabriel Miller…

Volume 1

Gabriel clicked on “Post” with a smile. That’ll show Maise, he thought. He couldn’t help exclaiming aloud, “I am AWESOME!”

“But not awesome enough…Pisces,” a husky female voice intoned behind him.

“Gemini,” he acknowledged without turning around. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Of course you didn’t,” she confidently replied.

“How did you get past the state-of-the-art burglar alarm, motion detectors, and retina scans?”

“Oh, we hacked into that earlier. The password wasn’t especially hard to figure out. ‘I eat what I made.’ Brilliant.”

“And the bear traps?”

“You must think I’m a fool.”

“And my vicious guard panther?”

“He’s a pussy.”

“Well, Gemini,” Gabriel said, “I guess you’re as good as you always were.”

“I’m better. Look, would you just turn around already?”

“No,” Gabriel replied.

She sighed deeply.

“I’m surprised it took you this long to find me, though.”

“We didn’t need you before. Now we do,” she shrugged.

“So sorry, I’m retired. Remember?”

“There are no retirement options in The Zodiac.”

“Well, I don’t believe in that astrology crap anymore, sweetheart.”

“You used to.”

“That was mostly to get laid.”

She snorted in disbelief.

“What?” he protested, finally facing her. “We were lovers once.”

“No, we weren’t,” she declared, “I fucked you. Enough of the terse banter. We’ve got a job to do, and I am to bring you back to headquarters willingly…or not.”

“Not tonight, kitten,” Gabriel replied, standing up slowly. He grabbed his trusty nunchucks from beside the computer and started swinging them in a figure-eight motion. “You know,” he began, “I never meant to use these again to kill…”

Without another word, Gemini reached inside her leather trench coat and pulled out a small bamboo blowgun. She blew through it, and Gabriel was stung in the neck with a dart that, although tiny, was extremely painful.

“What…the…fuck?!” he asked with a strangled cry as he dropped to his knees and then fell face-first onto the floor. His vision began to blur as he stared at her impractical black boots. He gingerly craned his throbbing neck upwards to peer into her scowling face, which was framed by long, straight, honey blonde hair.

“It’s beddy-bye time, Pisces.”

And as Gabriel faded out of consciousness, he was once again touched by his Poetic Muse. “Hair…the color of…golden…treachery,” he murmured.

“God, you suck,” she replied.

When Gabriel awoke, he found himself lying on the floor in a small, windowless, and completely empty cell with walls made of smooth, nigh-indestructible titanium. In the past, he himself had put prisoners in this cell. He used to think it looked cool. Now, rubbing his sore neck, he said to himself, “This is so not cool.”

To be continued…

Posted by maise in tales_of_terror | Permalink


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I hope he gets soundly beaten in the continuation. That's my vote, Maise.

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 27, 2006 9:15:46 PM

"Hair...the color of...golden...treachery," he murmured.

"God, you suck," she replied.

BAHAHA. I love you, Maise.

Posted by: Kim | Mar 27, 2006 9:30:39 PM

No way! Nunchucks are my weapon of choice too!

Posted by: Sam I Am | Mar 28, 2006 6:46:04 AM

Oh, that's not Gabriel's only weapon...he's deadly! More surprises await...

Btw, my weapon of choice would be my husband's retractable baton. That thing is bad ass when you snap it out.

Posted by: maise | Mar 28, 2006 7:01:20 AM

They both could certainly crack some skulls.

Posted by: Sam I Am | Mar 28, 2006 7:13:36 AM

Am I the only one who thought of that crazy music video when you read the phrase "weapon of choice"? You know the one with Christopher Walken and the first time you watched it you're all "Is that Christopher Walken? And is he really dancing! WTF?"

Funny stuff

Posted by: Iris | Mar 28, 2006 7:22:18 AM

I didn't even know what that song was called, but that's totally one of the best videos EVER.

Posted by: maise | Mar 28, 2006 7:26:52 AM

Who knew creepy old Christopher Walken could dance?

Posted by: Sam I Am | Mar 28, 2006 7:47:10 AM

I so fucking rule.

Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 28, 2006 9:22:15 AM

Oh, great. Now look what you've done, Maise. It went straight to his head.

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 28, 2006 9:35:57 AM

...probably his LITTLE head, too.

UGH! I think I'm going to be sick.

Posted by: Dierdre | Mar 28, 2006 9:36:42 AM

Notice, kids, how he's not issuing any strongly worded denials.

Posted by: maise | Mar 28, 2006 9:46:21 AM

That part where you say that Gabriel was "touched" by his poetic muse kinda makes me feel like I need a hot shower and a chemical peel.

Posted by: Jane | Mar 28, 2006 10:25:11 AM

Well, I can't guarantee that Gabriel's Poetic Muse will leave him untouched for the rest of the series. However, per our rules, I will refrain from fictional descriptions of Gabriel Miller in flagrante delicto...

Posted by: maise | Mar 28, 2006 10:36:16 AM

Fuck, I totally wanted a fictional account of Gabriel being violated by some skanky bear in a leather harness with a huge Castro-clone moustache.

I'm pretty disappointed, Maise.

Posted by: Jane | Mar 28, 2006 10:56:36 AM

I'll try to make up for it somehow...

Posted by: maise | Mar 28, 2006 11:17:44 AM

Perhaps we'll next see our hero with a ball gag in his mouth suffering at the hands of Madame Spunkette.....

Posted by: Sam I Am | Mar 28, 2006 12:45:22 PM

YAWN... what a lame story. What happened to that French girl who used to write your fanfic? That was some good shit.

Posted by: Mikespiano | Mar 28, 2006 1:02:07 PM

I would say "Patience, grasshopper," but responding defensively to critics is SO Dave Eggers.

Posted by: maise | Mar 28, 2006 1:30:06 PM

Just died laughing.

Posted by: Jane | Mar 28, 2006 3:15:10 PM


Posted by: Gabriel | Mar 28, 2006 4:09:45 PM


My seats for Charlotte!

Posted by: Kim | Mar 29, 2006 8:07:26 AM

Oooooooooooooh, I'm jealous, Kim! I have to remember to try to go for tickets on Friday. I'm worried about assholes on the lawn and assholes in the pit (if they even have one), so my friend and I will likely be safer in the seats. Hate being smashed in a crowd. My head is usually where most people's chests are pressed together...can't breathe!

Posted by: maise | Mar 29, 2006 8:22:49 AM

You going to Charlotte too? :-D

There's definitely going to be a pit. $49 for a GA lawn for one is wayyy too much, and the paranoid/rightfully concerned Spiral members have called MusicToday about fifty times to confirm that there will be a pit, even if it is small. Since everyone else who's gotten seats so far has gotten F and G and J and so on, I'm guessing that D is the closest row to the stage, which is why I have that "Pit?" area cut off... I'm pretty sure that's where the pit will be.

Posted by: Kim | Mar 29, 2006 8:49:50 AM

Oops, make that $43 each... but yeah, still too much for Lawn... that, and the tickets are labelled "GA Pit" on the ticketing at the Spiral.

Posted by: Kim | Mar 29, 2006 8:54:49 AM

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