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2006.01.23

[My_Name_Is_Trent_ And_I'm_Out_Of_New_Ideas]

So I'm sure by now everybody has heard the news that Nine Inch Nails has elected to have Saul Williams open up for them on the latter half of their upcoming [Milking_the_Teat: 2006] tour.

A far cry from the usual alt/industrial crap one one expect from a NIN opening band, Saul William's unique blend of hip-hop and spoken word is truly revolutionary, and this new exposure continues Reznor's tradition of exposing his fans to new and exciting music.

Oh, except for the fact that he fucking already did that already.

What the fuck, Reznor? I mean, SERIOUSLY. Seeing The Dresdon Dolls and Autolux were a fucking revelation -- I never really would have given either band the time of day, and was utterly floored by them both. Thank you; now I have two new bands I like. And I've checked out Saul Williams since you toured with him in Europe.

BUT THIS IS A NEW LEG. GET A NEW FUCKING IDEA!

Do you really mean to tell me that there are no other bands left on Planet Earth that need the exposure you can provide? That after the first leg of the tour, when you've utilized the mystical power of whatever mysterio opening act you're going to announce, that the well has utterly run dry? That going back to a previous opener is the best utilization of the spot, and best entertainment for the fan dollar?

For some reason, I don't think so. Let's face the truth pal -- you're LAZY. I'm not suprised; with all the working out you do, you probably just want to recline with a nice beet shake, your pre-release copy of HALO 3 and get crazy with the rest of the guys on the NINtranet you have installed at your house. But cut us some friggin slack, boss.

"Oh, I would love to do something new instead of serving the audience," you say. "I'd really like to do a solo piano tour, and I so respect Bowie's ability to do what he wants," you posit. And then just like George Fucking Lucas, you go ahead and take the easy way out instead of working your brain. Can you really not take the 15 minutes necessary to pick a new band? I mean hell; we all know that you don't even bothering going to see the bands anymore (anybody want to point me in the direction of that diary entry/interview with Amanda Palmer where she mention T-Rez was sick and never saw them before they played on the NIN tour). It can't take THAT MUCH TIME, Trank.

And yes, I know some folks would say "Oh, but those of us in America didn't get to see Saul Williams!" To which I say "all Reznor's fans know who Saul Williams is already so mission fucking accomplished."

Come on dude, pick somebody cool to open up for you. Like Poison. Or Def Leppard. The Axl Rose Experience.

Or even Filter. Come on, dude. Do something unexpected for once... please?

Posted by Gabriel in things_i_hate | Permalink

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2/27, huh? Looks like I will miss the Saul Williams experience yet again. Is that a good thing or a bad thing....not so sure...

Posted by: Rachel | Jan 23, 2006 5:14:36 PM

You're such an asshole.

Posted by: Dierdre | Jan 23, 2006 8:16:35 PM

Yeah, I'm pretty bummed that I don't get Saul Williams, actually. I really like his self-titled album.

Sigh...Liebchen, you're so fucking cute when you get your knickers all in a bunch. Maybe Trent's heard All Other Bands. Maybe he hates them all, like he hates Franz Ferdinand. Maybe Saul Williams is the only other opening act-level musician he actually likes, and now he's struggling to think of an opening act that he hates less than the others.

Maybe you're all worked up because he hasn't given the Stank headquarters a call?

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 8:23:09 PM

[My_Name_Is_Gabriel_And_I'm_Out_Of_New_Ideas]

Posted by: Dierdre | Jan 23, 2006 8:26:22 PM

Yeah he is one of the few artists out there who makes the spoken word sound intellectual and worth listening to.

Posted by: Rachel | Jan 23, 2006 8:42:04 PM

I'm sorry, Dierdre, did you accuse me of something? I was distracted by the overflowing cornucopia of creativity represented by your... book club.

Um.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jan 23, 2006 8:49:23 PM

Fuck you, Gabriel. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Posted by: Dierdre | Jan 23, 2006 8:51:16 PM

That's sweet, honey.

And about as inspired as Trent's opening act selection.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jan 23, 2006 8:52:37 PM

Trent needs to hold a talent contest...not like American Idol or some shit...but the old-school talent contest of 80s teen movies.

And then Gabe would go through all kinds of obstacles to enter and go up against Meathead and his tap dancing routine, and Gabe's parents wouldn't approve, but they'd come around in the end, and it would come down to Meathead vs. Gabe in the Finals...and would he win? It could totally go either way; that's where the suspense comes in. Gabe would also have his eye on Meathead's girlfriend, but in the end, he'd wind up with The Loyal Friend He Never Really Noticed Before, as portrayed by Mimi or whoever.

That's totally what Trent should do to find an opening act.

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 8:54:39 PM

Maise, you are an absolute fucking GENIUS.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jan 23, 2006 8:56:18 PM

Oooh, ooh, and after Gabriel finishes his set, there will be dead silence in the theater. Then Trent will stand and do the slow clap, until everyone in the audience joins in, and even Meathead won't be able to hold back, and then it speeds up into a roar of applause.

Oh, and let's not forget the "rehearsal montage" right before the big contest and right after Gabriel's piano teacher tragically expires. Gabriel will furiously PRACTICE for hours on end, set to Europe's "The Final Countdown."

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 9:05:15 PM

This just in from Buddyhead (which is a bitchy LA music website and gossip blog run by big gay Aaron and his pal Travis):

It never ends… Nine Inch Nails are going on tour again. This one’s gonna be for all you poor fucks who live in Bumfuck, Nebrahoma. We know we said last time that they were gonna do all these different songs you’ve never heard them do live before… but then the drummer situation got all Spinal Tap and shit got weird. Now that Josh Freese is in the band, shit is gonna get even weirder… and cool!

Sooo-ho... it looks like the promise to "get weird" and "do songs we've never heard before" is revving up for this leg of the never-ending tour.

Can I just add how much I love how much Buddyhead is all about exclamation points after the word "cool!" just because Aaron poopy pants is in the band. Seriously, those ironic hipster bitches would be tearing Trent "melodrama" Reznor a new asshole every single day if it weren't Aaron's fucking day job.

Pussies.

Posted by: Jane | Jan 23, 2006 9:05:50 PM

Oh, Maise, and do I dedicate the song to my piano teacher before I play it? Or do I have a brief moment where I see my piano teacher out there in a cloud above the audience, a la Grease 2?

More importantly, does Meathead -- as my nemesis -- have a mustache? I really think he should have a mustache.

(oh, and I think the operative elements of the buddyhead quote are pretty much "it never ends" and "Nine Inch Nails are going on tour again".)

Posted by: Gabriel | Jan 23, 2006 9:13:47 PM

True enough; see "damning with faint praise."

Still pussies, though.

Posted by: Jane | Jan 23, 2006 9:22:42 PM

Well, if I'm driving to Champaign Fucking Illinois in the middle of fucking February, I'd better see some weird shit. Like if Trent did a cover of "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." I'd really enjoy that.

Dio!

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 9:31:58 PM

Meathead would have a mustache and a really cool convertible. While working your day job as a truck driver delivering approximately 36,000 eggs, you accidentally dump them all onto Meathead's leather interior and ruin his perm. Then it would be *on*.

You'd hear your piano teacher whispering hoarse words of encouragement right before your performance, but you'd clearly dedicate your song to "The Girl Who's Been There For Me All Along." This is to placate her after she catches you making out with Meathead's cheerleader girlfriend and storms off in tears to your bewilderment.

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 9:36:17 PM

Maise, you are ON FIRE toooo-nite.

Posted by: Dierdre | Jan 23, 2006 9:40:35 PM

Yeah, no shit, Maise. That's quality right there.

Posted by: Rachel | Jan 23, 2006 9:44:51 PM

And would there be roles for Meathead's ETS goons? Oh yes. Saturnine herself will lock Gabriel in a broom closet the day of the big auditions, and he'll finally be freed by the cranky janitor and burst into the auditorium two minutes before auditions end. Trent will be all, "Sorry, kid." But Alessandro will say, "Ma va', Signor Trent, il ragazzo dovrebbe sonare." And Trent will say, "Huh?" And Alessandro will say, "Let the boy play." And that will be Gabriel's big break. And the old man with congenital heart disease who is destined to become your mentor will be lurking in the background, and just when Gabe is feeling all cocky and relieved, he'll say, "That was good, kid, but not good enough."

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 10:03:35 PM

Shouldn't the Cranky Old Man Who Used To Be A Rocker In His Youth But Let The Opportunity Pass Him By and is now the Afore-Mentioned Old Man With The Heart Condition That Will Train Me make his appearance right after the end of the first act? When I think it's going to be NO PROBLEM AT ALL to land the Nine Inch Nails opening slot and fuck up doing an overzealous cover of "Terrible Lie" that's so awful Reznor's management walks out? And this is of course when Meathead and his minions and I first meet face to face?

And it's then that my mentor approaches from the darkness, showing me the One True Way to angst?

Posted by: Gabriel | Jan 23, 2006 10:09:46 PM

Yeah, I think you're right about that.

Meathead will say, "Opening for Nine Inch Nails is something you can never have...punk." And all his minions will say "OOOOOOH" in unison. And even though your Girl Friend Who's Not Your Girlfriend...Yet will stick up for you, telling Meathead and his gang that they'll "get what they deserve," Meathead will step on your foot with his tap shoes. That's probably your low point right there.

That's where your guru should come in, pounding his chest and saying, "Dammit, it's not about your pansy eyeliner and nail polish...the pain comes from in here! [cough, cough]"

Posted by: maise | Jan 23, 2006 10:26:23 PM

Man, it's gonna be so sad when my mentor -- played by Peter Boyle -- falls down with a heart attack in the middle of my rehearsal of piano-based "Ringfinger". And it's gonna be even SADDER when there's the montage of me walking through the rain, remember all that he taught me, set to to a lone piano plunking out "that's what i get".

In fact, I'm crying already.

Posted by: Gabriel | Jan 24, 2006 12:55:00 AM

Um, yeah. Anyway...

I'm extremely fucking happy that Saul Williams is opening my show.

The is all.

Posted by: Kim | Jan 24, 2006 4:17:06 AM

That* even.

Too distracted by stuffing more gum in my mouth. What is it with me and bubble gum?

Posted by: Kim | Jan 24, 2006 4:18:30 AM

It will be just as heartrending when your father shouts at you as you storm out the door into the rainy night: "Go ahead...waste your life...on DREAMS!"

Posted by: maise | Jan 24, 2006 7:00:56 AM

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