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2005.12.08

[Understanding_Teeth: With_Teeth]

[Note from the Ed. -- Well it's good to know some things never change; when I post a critique, people get pissy -- and yesterday was no exception. But a couple readers did have some good points, and I'd like to thank our very own Maise for making something clear to me: I should be taking more of a leadership role here than I have lately, and on that tip, I'm happy to present the latest installment of Understanding Teeth. I think this one in particular is something you'll all enjoy.]

People say that Trent Reznor is clear and sober these days, but I think he still tells the tales of his frightful addiction. No song on his latest record does this with more terrifying detail than the title track, which describes a harrowing visit to a Unionized Sex Worker one dreary night...

with teeth

The song opens with the faint slowed down sounds of MOANING… as in people having sex. You know; doing the nasty. Cause we’re in a whorehouse… and we feel dirty? Like we can feel the sin on our skin... yeah... so filthy... do you feel dirty?

I know I sure do. Take my hand; I’ll show you the way.

“She comes along, she gets inside...”. The hooker (let’s call her Betina) comes into the darkened room, looking down at you, and removes her garment and slips into the bed with you. You start to get excited; hell, she’s making you better than anything you’ve ever tried. Even that blow and the trick with putting the live frog on your junk. This chick is hott.

The two of you begin to MATE – and it’s pretty awesome. How awesome? Well when you’re inside the black as sea part, you realize just what a professional she is – she runs deeper than you dared to dream it could be.

Then you feel something clamping down on your junk! What is it? What the fuck is that?!?!?!? You look down, and see blood! Her special velvet spot, it’s…. ”With Teeeeeeeeethaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!”, you scream.

You used to be a man; now you’re a woman! Fuck! So wave goodbye to what you were dude; without your member the whole lines between whiny bitch guy that digs on dudes from time to time, and just plain old whiny bitchy girl that digs on chicks from time to time certainly begins to seem pretty blurry.

But wait a second – Betina is still shaking and grinding! How is that possible? Well the part of you that she still has is STILL HARD! It’s still STRONG! It seems to have FINALLY FOUND THE PLACE WHERE IT BELONGS!!!!

Fuck! That sucks! This would be so much cooler if you were still attached to the phallus!

But of course, if you were still attached, you’d have to experience the biting of the teeth again. And really, you cannot go through this again.

You cannot go through this again.

You cannot go through this again.

So bleeding, the room a frenzied mess, you try to leave, and just like the guy in that band King Missile you don’t want to leave your (newly) detachable penis behind. But she will not let you go; she’s just going on an on (damn, your severed junk doesn’t even need batteries! High five to your cut-off tallywhacker!)

So you finally say “Fine, fuck it” (though you don’t mean this literally, you really just mean it as a euphemism for leaving, not for giving her permission to pleasure herself with your severed flesh. You get my point). But you try one last time to swipe your cock back, but she will not let you go.

You swear you’re never coming back, that this is the lousiest brothel you’ve ever been to. “I mean it,” you say. “No cock, I’m gonna badmouth you all over town.” She still doesn’t let it go.

And you leave cockless. Because she cut if off. With Teeth.

Man, Singapore whorehouses suck sometimes.


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Comments

How about... no.

Posted by: Kim | Dec 8, 2005 5:02:41 PM

Well, it's about goddamn time, Liebchen...at this rate, we'll get to "Right Where It Belongs" in mid-2008. On the other hand, as a fan of Trent's, I have infinite patience.

I love these. It's kind of like watching The Wizard of Oz with The Dark Side of the Moon playing at the same time...

Posted by: maise | Dec 8, 2005 5:11:10 PM

? <speechless>

Posted by: bex | Dec 8, 2005 5:19:57 PM

Oh, mon pauvre cher. Visites-tu d'habitude a Singapore, cher? Oh, et I cannot make the teasing of something that is not present. Maintenant, I understand why we were never able to complete our conversation.

Posted by: Mimi | Dec 8, 2005 5:30:12 PM

That was fucking hilarious.

and I always thought that song was about herion...

I have a resident in the retirement home I waitress at named Betina...

...ew

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 8, 2005 6:59:45 PM

Thank God Trent has you to interpret him. I'm sure he's reading this and saying "Thank fucking God, SOMEONE understands" under his breath.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 8, 2005 7:24:39 PM

I didn't piss you off or anything, did I babe? So sorry if I did.

Then again, your AIM could have died. It likes to do that.

Posted by: Kim | Dec 8, 2005 8:06:01 PM

The Beatles bore me, Maise. Not enough cock. I'm not being contrary.

So, the chat with the NINNIES was pretty entertaining, apparently. I gave it a miss, but here's a transcript I found on The Spiral.

My favorite parts?

lunautilus: In the past, you've been quoted as saying that people should probably not hold you up as a hero because you've fucked up plenty. What do you think about the idea that you are a good role model because you've positively influenced thousands of people despite (maybe, sometimes) being a grumpy bastard? You must admit you have a bit of a knack for taking rather unpleasant emotions and turning them into something beautiful.
trent_reznor> Go fuck yourself.
trent_reznor> (just kidding)

...

Impure: Trent, are you happy with the spiral since you launched it?
trent_reznor> It brings me an immense amount of joy.

...

trent_reznor> Chat's over. Time to start bitching!

Other interesting information? Aaron likes porridge and anal penetration, and is just as goofy and uninteresting in text as he is onstage. Alessandro seems nice, and has loads of geeky details to share about his setup. Jeordie likes chicken wings, and I think he might be smarter than his hype. Josn Freese is a pro, and I say that with complete neutrality.

Oh, and Trent is tired.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 8, 2005 8:18:17 PM

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

Also, I actually peed my pants when I read this:

So you finally say “Fine, fuck it” (though you don’t mean this literally, you really just mean it as a euphemism for leaving, not for giving her permission to pleasure herself with your severed flesh. You get my point).

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 8, 2005 11:15:52 PM

Now that's what I call a Snappin' Pussy!

Posted by: George Carlin | Dec 9, 2005 5:10:30 AM

Jane, when TR told that person to go fuck themselves, I was sure you were sitting next to him giving him pointers on how to respond! LOL!
:)

Chat was very entertaining. Guys seem happy. I like Josh's personality. Maybe some stability will come to the band and they will be happy.

TR seemed to be in a better mood. Glad he kind of joked a bit, including the dig to go bitch now.

:)

Posted by: bex | Dec 9, 2005 6:09:55 AM

Yeah, the best part about that "Go fuck yourself" is that I would bet money that he was so NOT kidding.

Main things learned in that chat: Josh Freese just might be too cool for NIN, and Trent is a sarcastic little bitch... IN A GOOD WAY.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 9, 2005 6:14:02 AM

I'm going to create a complicated outline to pretend that my observations have any sort of purposeful organization:

I. Maise's Crush on Alessandro

A. Okay, so now I've kind of got an official crush on Alessandro.

1) Se7en: Alessandro: Olive Garden or Home Made?
a_cortini> home made, if it's your mother cooking

a. Fucking Olive Garden...Jesus Christ. I'll never forget the one time I went to some chain Italian-themed restaurant (not OG) and ordered conchiglie (pronounced con-KEY-lee-ay). The waitress replied in a snotty tone, "Oh, you mean the con-chig-lee."

2) This was my favorite:

a. PlatinumOrgy: Alessandro: Parla Italiano?
a_cortini> certo.essendo nato in italia ed avendo vissuto la' per 23 anni, penso di poter affermare di avere una certa dimestichezza con la lingua italiana.

b. Again, Jesus Christ. At least Italian 101 there knew to ask him using the formal address.

II. Maise criticizes the HTML skills of whoever put the transcript together.

A. Overall, the chat transcript annoyed me, mainly because there was all that horizontal scrolling to do.

III. Maise's least favorite NIN-related question types

A. What type of _____ do you use to _____?
B. What about Closure?
C. Favorite Star Wars film...uh, everyone on the planet would say ESB.

IV. Maise wonders about Aaron
A. Is he really gay or really homophobic in a jokey way?
B. He annoys me even when he's trying to b funny.

V. Trent on the Grammys
A. Fuck Yeah!
1) trent_reznor> I'd like to officially say FUCK the grammys. Talk about out of touch. If you want to see why the record business is collapsing, look no further than the incredible lack of talent and innovation being celebrated on those lists. The grammys are NOTHING more than a popularity contest under the guise of having some importance.

Posted by: maise | Dec 9, 2005 7:31:13 AM

Maise, that was one hell of an outline!

I think we all have a little crush on allesandro.

Holy shit, George Carlin has joined us!

Whats up you funny bastard?

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 9, 2005 10:35:21 AM

Wild_Thing: Hello gentlemen. Are you excited about playing the KROQ Almost Acoustic Christmas?
aaron_north> FUCK YEAH BRAH... FALLOUT BOY IS GONNA BE SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. SHIT'S GONNA GO OFFFFFFFF!!!!!

Hahahaha. I do think Aaron North is kinda funny at times. I have the feeling that his sense of humor gets him punched in the head by trent on several occasions

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 9, 2005 10:40:06 AM

More NINku! Less Vagina Dentata!

Posted by: Baal Glyttr | Dec 9, 2005 12:32:03 PM

Glad you're taking more of a "leadership" role here on WTC, Gabriel. Your interpretation was... er.. interesting. As I've recently discovered, however, losing one's penis is not the worst thing that can happen to a body.

Ahh... the well-worn Vagina Dentata trope rears its ugly head again. Karen Finley was right! Women's bodies ARE loaded weapons.

Posted by: Baal Glyttr | Dec 9, 2005 12:32:04 PM

More haiku! Less Vagina Dentata!

Posted by: Baal Glyttr | Dec 9, 2005 12:32:19 PM

Well, if you ever wanted proof that Gabriel isn't into women...

Posted by: maise | Dec 9, 2005 12:48:53 PM

A-fucking-men, Maise.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 9, 2005 12:53:43 PM

Come now, ladies (and the crotchally mutilated). This last post is simply proof that I'm not into Singapore prostitutes with Cronenbergian teeth snapping from within their high holies, not women in general.

Don't make me go Analae Dentata on your respective toothless asses.

Posted by: Gabriel | Dec 9, 2005 2:03:10 PM

WTF?

Posted by: Jane | Dec 9, 2005 2:49:19 PM

No, you need not worry about *that*, Gabriel.

I hope you floss down there.

Posted by: maise | Dec 9, 2005 6:15:12 PM

I find it highly ironic that Trent is bitching about the Grammys when THTF was nominated for Best Hard Rock Performance. If they win, it's gonna go one of two ways - Trent will actually show up and just say "thanks" and take the award and scurry off the stage, or Trent will not show up and have someone from NOLA who lost everything in Katrina show up to give a speech about why Trent is refusing to accept the award (yes, maise, a la Marlon Brando). Oh, and everyone makes the same pissy speech about the Grammys just before they win one, soooo...

Posted by: Buttercup | Dec 9, 2005 7:33:46 PM

If i'm correct this isnt trents first grammy, he's won one before hasnt he?

...was he there to except the last one? did he bitch about the nomination

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 9, 2005 8:12:40 PM

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