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2005.12.01

[Mimi's_Musings: Les_12_Patisseries_de_Noel]

Joyeux Noël, cheries! Is it not wonderful to see the snow descend to the ground to bring the clouds to the earth? Is it not beautiful to see the naked trees covered in fluffy white beauté? Ah, it is like a soft, cold, wet dream covered in snowflakes. I love l’hiver, and I especially love le Noël. We have this wonderful tradition in French Canada called Le Reveillion where everyone eats good food and drinks good wine and goes to l’église and then comes home and eats more food and drinks more wine until you pass out sous l’arbre de Noël.

Hélas, mes cheries, I am upset because I will be spending le Noël seule. I am not going home to spend it with my obstinate and horrific sister Buttercup who is busy getting fat. Contrary to popular belief, cheries, I am not getting grosse, as I am devoting the extra energy I get from my patisseries towards the discovery of the wonders of the world sans hommes.

Et alors, I write to you today about the joie de vie that is Les 12 Patisseries de Noël. Everybody knows about the 12 Days of Christmas, well except for the people who do not celebrate Christmas and for those people I do apologize and mean no offense. Unless of course your name is Gabriel Miller, then you most definitely do not deserve to celebrate the most joyous of times of the year for the horrific way you have treated me since my mother called me. But Christmas is not a time to spend negative energy towards people who have ill intentions towards you. It is a time to spend celebrating, and making merry. Voyons, let us begin the celebration!

Our first pastry of Christmas is of course the croquembouche. Le croquembouche itself resembles a Christmas tree, decorated with wonderful p’tit boules de pâte à choux, each one filled with la crème anglaise. Speaking of anglaise, it is shameful how much negative energy Gabriel wasted in his frustration about the ending of our chat instead of being adulte and mature about things and contacting me to talk about it. For you see, I was going to bake and send un petit croquembouche to him as a little gift, but now I look at the tree and I am forced to eat it.

Our second pastry of Christmas is of course le pain au chocolat. Comme tout le monde sait, the only thing meillieur que le sexe est le chocolat. Alors, on those days when it seems that men are nothing but disappointments and heartbreakers, the best thing to do is get a nice cup of chocolat chaud (or if you must, the Starbucks chantico is an adequate substitute), put on some soothing musique like La Bottine Souriante and enjoy l’orgasmique pain au chocolat and forget all about the lesser sex.

Our third pastry of Christmas is les madeleines. Who can resist a little pastry named after such a kind and sweet little girl? Well I can think of one person who can easily do so who has the same initials as a large manufacturer of vehicles in the United States.

Our fourth pastry of Christmas is le bûche de Noël. Oh if you have never had le bûche in its entirety, then you have simply not lived. It is doux, riche, épée, and reminds me of notre amour in that le bûche is also dark and mysterious with hints of green at the top.

Our fifth pastry of Christmas is le pain d’épices, which in German is called Lebkuchen and in Swedish is called Pepparkakor. I do not know what it is called in English, but I do know that you can make little houses out of them, and little men also, so that you can paint a face and golden hair on their head and dress him with black mesh gloves and rock star sunglasses and a glam rock suit so that he looks very lovely and delicious and then of course you bite off his head because he does not use his brain to communicate with you.

Our sixth pastry of Christmas is not exactly a pastry, but one needs variety at all times of the year. It is the humble meringue, which is a light, refreshing treat that makes your tongue feel as if it is walking on a cloud. It is made by pumping egg whites full of air and then baking them in an oven full of more hot air, which dries them out and makes them into the beautiful little jewels that they are. Unfortunately, hot air does not always make things beautiful, and sometimes it can make people appear to be full of promise and hope, only to let you down when the hot air is gone and they have dried out and left you waiting for their next call.

Our seventh pastry of Christmas is les coeurs de pâte brisées, the little puff pastry hearts that are baked until golden brown and sprinkled with rock sugar. They are delicious, sweet, and very delicate, much like the heart of a little French Canadian girl who only wanted to show the passions of life to her little friend.

Our eight pastry of Christmas is les macarons. But who does not love les macarons because of their crazy star-shape, their sweet chewy coconut centre, and their general fluffy fun?

Our ninth pastry of Christmas is la galette des rois. What better way to celebrate the birth of the King of Kings than with a cake created to honour all kings? Oh, I must apologize if I am sounding too religious; it is the influence of my last petit ami, who was a religious fanatic a few months ago, and may have washed my brain with his beliefs.

Our tenth pastry of Christmas is le gâteau truffe – a formidable flourless chocolate cake that makes you feel it is the sole purpose for your tongue to exist. There is nothing more rich than the gâteau truffe. Except for the richness that new love brings to your heart. And, much like when the gâteau est fini, you feel the emptiness of your heart when there is no longer the familiar buzz of the cell phone with a petite message du texte from the one who had once filled your heart.

Our eleventh pastry of Christmas is le croissant simple. One must start the day and end the day with something simple and pure, if only to cleanse the palate of the horrific memories of loves gone past. A little croissant, a little butter, is all that it takes to wash away the memories of the ones who toyed with your emotions like they were wind up walking nutcracker dolls.

Our twelfth and final pastry of Christmas is le millefeuille. It is now the sweetest and yet most bitter pastry of them all – giver of joy and bringer of pain. I cannot look at this pastry the same way again without becoming forlorn.

I hope you all get a chance to enjoy the flavours of Christmas this year, and please, feel free to take longer than twelve days to enjoy yourself, cheries!

Grosses Bises a (Presque) tous,
Mimi xoxo

Posted by Mimi Jones-Taylor in mimi's_musings | Permalink

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Comments

I'm sorry, I couldn't read all that.

And your sister is not "getting fat". That's really rude to say, Mimi.

Posted by: Kim | Dec 1, 2005 12:50:32 PM

Frankly, I'm speechless. Mimi is one crazy bitch, n'est-ce pas?

However, I do have to hand out the props on this little nugget of pure genius:

Who can resist a little pastry named after such a kind and sweet little girl? Well I can think of one person who can easily do so who has the same initials as a large manufacturer of vehicles in the United States.

You gotta love the women of WTC.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 1, 2005 12:53:28 PM

Awww, Mimi. I've never seen anyone write anything that is so decadently sweet and harshly bitter at the same time. Gabriel doesn't deserve your genius.

You should be nicer to your sister, though.

Recipes?

Posted by: maise | Dec 1, 2005 12:59:53 PM

Seriously, I am totally trying as hard as I can not to think about Trent's bûche de Noël.

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 1, 2005 1:02:36 PM

Kim, I love you.

Maise, I'm not surprised. She's just worried because she thinks she's too young to be an auntie. Bah, I say. I'm spending the holidays with my dog who is much better company, amusing me with his licking...

Posted by: Buttercup | Dec 1, 2005 2:57:11 PM

I'm starting to develop a crush on Mimi. I think that's why I keep coming back, even though you are a bunch of stupid cock-hungry bitches.

Posted by: Dom | Dec 1, 2005 3:09:12 PM

Dom - We like sex, we like men, and Trent Reznor is one fine piece of ass. Plus, you're obviously cock-hungry yourself... for Manson. Ugh. At least we have better taste, no?

Butter - I love you more! I'm all excited for you, I love babies. Which reminds me, I can't wait for Christmas so I can see my baby cousins again.

Posted by: Kim | Dec 1, 2005 3:19:03 PM

WTF, Buttercup! HOLD THE PHONE! Are you WITH CHILD?

Posted by: Jane | Dec 1, 2005 3:35:06 PM

PS. I can't believe you picked Mimi, Dom, when I'm the one who loves you.

MEN!

Posted by: Jane | Dec 1, 2005 3:36:04 PM

wait...what?
pastry?
where am I?

Posted by: greatbigfatbitch | Dec 1, 2005 4:05:04 PM

Buttercup, congratulations!!! We love you!!!

Dom, you don't deserve Mimi's genius either.

Posted by: maise | Dec 1, 2005 4:09:04 PM

Jesus Christ, I leave for a little bit and the place turns into a goddamned sewing circle.

Since I missed the last bit of fun:

Love's Lonely Learned Light
words by Gabriel
Mimi most cruel; nay
she knows not her heart's true beat
s'all good, my sweet bitch

Posted by: Gabriel | Dec 1, 2005 4:16:24 PM

Hi, Gabe.

And OH MY GOD I am PISSED OFF. My friend's website (the host of MY website) was hacked, and the stupid fucking assholes who provided her domain said that SHE was the one using a "hacking utility" and fucking blocked her website. I hate fucking idiots. This makes the SECOND time we've been hacked, and like the FOURTH provider who's either cut us off or we decided to leave because they were shit.

Posted by: Kim | Dec 1, 2005 4:24:52 PM

To Gabriel, a Haiku by maise

It's about fucking
time, Liebchen. I expect a
full report from you.

Sorry to hear about your website troubles, Kim. :(

Posted by: maise | Dec 1, 2005 4:28:12 PM

OK, OK, I give!

I didn't get it before, but now I've decided: I love you guys. It's the most perfectly-twisted reality show a person without television can hope to enjoy. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Let your freak flags fly, bitches! You can't make this stuff up.

Posted by: OMG | Dec 1, 2005 6:40:34 PM

Hey, Gabe, how go the travels?

Buttercup, damn it, I come here every day and I'm still so out of the loop.

And, Dom? If she could, you know she would just hold your hand and you'd understand: Jane's the one who loves you. (Yes, that's a blatant Wilco ripoff.)

Posted by: emerald527 | Dec 1, 2005 7:17:18 PM

Well, OMG, I certainly am glad you've come around. Given the right sense of humor, it's impossible not to love this site. Welcome, and I won't subject you to any more "Great Moments in History, Literature, etc. etc. with OMG!"

I *would* point out that "ly" words shouldn't be hyphenated, as it's an adverb + adjective combo as opposed to a temporary compound noun, but I won't play Grammar Police now that we're on the same team. ;)

Posted by: maise | Dec 1, 2005 8:32:01 PM

Gabe!!! So glad to see you've returned.

The past few days have been ridden with haiku and hilarity but I would hardly call us a sewing circle... I mean, it's not like we made any quilts or anything, though I have made a quilt before and it was really good but thats beside the point. I hope your trip went well

Mimi, thats alot of pastry you speak of there. I hate sugar so it makes me a little nauseas but i hope you enjoy them. One more thing, your sister is not getting fat, shes got baby in her. Calling pregnant women fat is mean and wrong... that kind of really bothered me. Regardless I do hope you are doing better these days.

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 1, 2005 10:28:55 PM

I can't believe OMG has come around. That sucks. Another perfectly good hater, gone to pot.

Plus, where's Bex? I want to tear her a new one over some sentimental pollyanna bullshit, and she is nowhere to be found. She's probably over at Jerome Dillon's messageboard "masterbating" (sic), or perhaps she is one of those fickle lovers of which D. spoke?

Maise, if you stop policing bad grammar, I will totally weep.

Plus, SEWING CIRCLE? Fuck.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 1, 2005 11:34:34 PM

Oh, There You Are, Gabriel!
A Haiku of Recrimination, by Dierdre

I know it has not
been long since you rescued me
from matrimony,

but, I must ask you
now if the words "Benedict
Arnold" ring a bell.

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 2, 2005 3:25:19 AM

So, apparently, some crazy asshat jumped up onstage with Trent in Argentina, threw him to the ground and made him bleed!

Fuckers! GRRRRRR!!!!

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 2, 2005 4:43:22 AM

WHAT...where did you see that at? I think we need to all converge on Argentina and beat the crap out of this asshole. I'm sure there's more than enough of us to take the guy and plenty more who would want to console Trent and kiss the boo boo to make it feel better. :)

Posted by: Iris | Dec 2, 2005 5:04:39 AM

Are you kidding, Iris? Those asshats clearly don't know what I would do to any motherfucker that lays a finger on my man if I weren't in London. I will take those bitches SINGLE-HANDEDLY!!!

Also, IRIS! YOU MUST E-MAIL ME two pictures of Trent with Haikus! I know you are the only one here who can go all the way to filthy without flinching, and I NEED THOSE DIRTY HAIKUS! Get to work.

That goes for ALL YOU SLACKERS, too! AND DON'T MESS WITH ME, BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK FUNCTION IS FULLY ENGAGED AND I AM FURIOUS!

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 2, 2005 5:09:50 AM

Qu'est-ce que c'est? Are my eyes decieving to me? Mon cher...? Oh I must run back to my kitchen immediatement. Where are you, mon cher? When you say "s'all good", how good it it? Texte-moi! xxx

Posted by: Mimi | Dec 2, 2005 5:44:45 AM

I'm gone for a few days, and all hell breaks loose

Dierdre, the only hot pics I see of Trent are coming from the Spiral, and Rob will rip me a new one if I them.

There was one in particular I though you would have enjoyed. I may have to email it to you anyway

BC, WTF? With child? A human child or are you getting a puppy? Can someone please fill me in??? Either way, congratulations. Wow!

Dom loves Mimi, not Jane??? WTF???

Jane, here I am, rip me a new one if you must. You're probably having withdrawal. I wouldn't want to cause you further discomfort.

OMG a fan now???

Me masturbating at JD's? Not too much, just a little. I did find out a fun fact about JD. He too is an .................. ellipses abuser. He's far worse about writing than I am though as he writes his project as "nearLY" with misuse of capitalization. I have to find out why? Perhaps Maise will hold a class and JD & I can sign up and learn how to polish our writing & grammar skills. Maise, I need help. I’m the world’s worst speller, and I’m lazy about using spell check at times.

Lastly, I still love Trent, but after his last contact of ripping everyone a new one about bitching a over the spiral and JD's departure , I've felt like a scolded child. I've been in hiding from Trent.

:(

I did send him an apology, and told him I still love him, not to be angry.

Gab., glad you are back. Hope your journey went well.

:)

Kim, sorry about the website. The internet can be a real bitch with so many assholes fucking around with people's stuff. Bastards need to get a fucking life!

Posted by: bex | Dec 2, 2005 6:06:31 AM

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