« [The_Pastor_Has_Left_the_Building] | Main | [Back_In_Action] »

2005.12.14

[Dear_Trent_#_26: The_Mean_Reds*]

Dear Trent,

Sometimes it gets a little exhausting, being in love with you all the time. I mean, how many different ways can I say it? No matter what, I know it doesn't make any difference. You are distant, impossible and impervious, and I'm only one in a million, all gushing for you, all the same. I write you all these letters, and send them into the ether, to no one. Who cares.

I dreamt of you last night, for the first time in months. In my dream, I saw you in a restaurant I always go to, here in London, and when I introduced myself to you, we started talking. Our conversation was about art, Carl Jung, the notion of a collective unconscious, and religion; a really interesting talk, and satisfyingly full of little correspondences of mind and feeling. When I had to go, you asked if you could call me. Of course I said yes, so you did, almost immediately. We kept talking for hours, until my cell phone battery was dying. I asked you for your number, because I wanted to call you back sometime, and just as you were about to give it to me, my battery died. I spent the rest of the dream searching for my cell charger, and woke up full of regret at not having been able to find it, the need to go back to sleep and keep searching urgent in my half-conscious brain.

Then I realized that, in truth, I had really only been talking to myself in my own brain. Is the man I'm writing to now nothing but a beautiful dream that I've created in my own mind? I wish I could convince myself that dreams and feelings like the ones I feel for you and your work -- feelings that are undeniable, purely authentic to me, and mortifyingly enough, all too fucking real -- represent a true correspondence between souls. Maybe they do; I don't know. What I do know is that, as nice as it had seemed to talk to you while I was dreaming, when I woke up I felt like aching for you for all these years is really the most seriously my own stupid heart has ever betrayed me.

Sorry to be so grim. I think I'm still feeling a little sad these days. Perhaps regrettably, I still love you, even if you're only half real. There's no comfortingly concrete math I can break out to prove it, but I know that something I see and love is really you.

Be well, dear Trent, and get some rest, ok?

Love,
Dierdre

*

Posted by Dierdre ~ in dear_trent, dreaming_of_you | Permalink

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d83451cae469e200d8346623ed53ef

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference [Dear_Trent_#_26: The_Mean_Reds*]:

Comments

First of all, I love that you're quoting Truman Capote (by way of Hollywood script that I don't think he liked). I've been all about Tru this year...I just finished a big fat biography, and it got so depressing at the end because he just couldn't quit drinking, and it killed him. So glad that's not our Trent!

I would suspect that if the real Trent ever saw this, he'd be 72 percent bewildered and 12 percent flattered and 16 percent touched. If he's not *at least* 16 percent touched, then he doesn't deserve your love.

Take a walk through Harrods to beat the mean reds, London-style!

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 7:21:17 AM

Harrod's is lovely, but I'm all about The Tate Modern for the reds.

Thanks for the kind words, Maise, but we both know that the real Trent will never read this.

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 14, 2005 7:34:45 AM

That's so weird because I was thinking of the Tate Modern too! At first, I thought of suggesting a tour through the National Portrait Gallery because it's free, but I think the Tate Modern is more fun. The husband and I spent a lovely afternoon there on our harried London honeymoon.

Eh, you never know where on the internet our TR lurks. I bet he googles himself when he's bored, like we all do. Except I don't have like 10,000,000 entries to sort through.

So if you do see this, Trent, remember the words of the inestimable Douglas Adams: DON'T PANIC.

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 7:55:38 AM

"Look at ME. I'm poor, miserable Dierdre Blah, blah, blah! I'm stuck in *London* where nobody loves me, blah, blah, blah."

Posted by: Baal Glyttr | Dec 14, 2005 8:28:47 AM

While I am sympathetic (having once been stuck penniless and feeling unloved in London), I would like to point out that you are surrounded by millions of men speaking with the hottest accents on the planet. Sure, they're not your *true mystical love*, but you could still have a good time.

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 8:42:51 AM

diarrhea.

Posted by: Dom | Dec 14, 2005 9:51:36 AM

And this (points at Dum, I mean Dom) is what you want to replace Gabriel with?

Posted by: Iris | Dec 14, 2005 10:09:58 AM

Sure, Dom's a blast.

Dom, I'm very sorry to hear that you're feeling under the weather.

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 10:32:25 AM

Shit guys... maybe I should reconsider.

This is about as much fun as a Thrice concert.

Posted by: Gabriel | Dec 14, 2005 10:59:02 AM

Dierdre, i feel sad for you. I've had dreams (well nightmares at the end) like that before, except they were about stupid boys who broke my heart. It's not a fun thing to wake up from. I gotta agree with maise though, you're in london! Go get laid by a guy with a hot accent! That's so what I'd be doing.

Boston accents are not very hot at all, so I can tell you what I'm not doing right now.

Gabe, reconsider? reconsider what? leaving? Yeah you should, I dont want dom to replace you!!! He's not nearly as witty and only half the asshole.

I want a whole asshole dammit!

(sorry, on break @ work, the elderly drive me crazy, you guys get the aftermath)

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 14, 2005 11:35:26 AM

Ugh, crap day at work. At least the elderly have an excuse for being insane.

Of course, Gabriel should reconsider. As much as I enjoy Dom, I see no evidence that he can write poetry, sing, or create art. (And no, nothing Brian Warner has done as Marilyn Manson counts in this case.)

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 12:39:25 PM

Oh, fuck off, Gabriel. Deserter.

Posted by: Dierdre | Dec 14, 2005 1:18:45 PM

Jesus, Gabriel. You are so right. Thrice sucks so much cock that even *I'm* gagging. I once had to sit through those bitches to see Trent's show, and I nearly lost my shit. Speaking of which, Maise, I don't think it's DOM who's "under the weather", I think it' someone else; someone who's names starts with D and then goes I-E-R-D-R-E.

Dierdre, you know I love you, and in some ways, you truly speak for us all, but Fucking, COME ON! Fuck some Scottish hottie, scream "Yes, Trent! YES!!!" a couple of times, take an aspirin, and everything will be just fine.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 14, 2005 1:43:15 PM

WHOSE. Fuck.

Posted by: Jane | Dec 14, 2005 1:48:16 PM

Dierdre, if you have no need for Scottish hotties, would you mind sending one round to my office? I feel like Basil Fawlty today.

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 1:58:17 PM

In frustrating work situations, it's probably not helpful to ask oneself, "What Would Trent Do?"

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 2:24:52 PM

Screaming slave day, eh, Maise?

Posted by: Jane | Dec 14, 2005 2:26:42 PM

Oh yes, dear God, yes.

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 2:44:03 PM

Scottish hotties?! WHERE?! *looks around*

Posted by: Kim | Dec 14, 2005 4:27:16 PM

Jesus, perk up. You're in goddamned London. I'm in Pennsylvania. It sucks.

Posted by: greatbigfatbitch | Dec 14, 2005 5:01:16 PM

Do we ever really know anyone? Is a love for the boy living across the street more real because you could reach out and touch him?

When you get let down in real life, when work sucks and your love life bites... it's good to have old reliable fantasy to fall back on. It may not be as tangible as the real deal, but it won't let you down, it won't leave you unsatisfied, it won't snore while you lie awake thinking deep thoughts, and it won't fuck you over by sleeping with the woman next door.

And even when you're lucky in life / love - it's still nice to have the fantasy for those moments when you need distraction.

Posted by: LikkleBaer | Dec 14, 2005 5:49:32 PM

I like you, Likklebaer!

What would trent do? WWTD? thats horrible. I love it!!!

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 14, 2005 5:58:44 PM

I just found this over in one of the myspace hell boards.

It hurts to look at. He's standing behind her looking all too simaler to a picture of me and my freshman semi-date. He looks so fucking awkward.

Oh god it hurts.

Posted by: Nicole | Dec 14, 2005 7:20:34 PM

Nicole, what *are* you doing? Dierdre's got the mean reds!

Posted by: maise | Dec 14, 2005 8:21:53 PM

There have been other photos posted with the two of them. She looks a lot smaller in photos taken with the two of them in Europe. Not that she looks fat in the picture you posted, but she looks fuller. Someone on another board mentioned that she looks like she could be pregnant. Hmmm, don't want to start any rumors.

Posted by: | Dec 14, 2005 8:33:07 PM

The comments to this entry are closed.