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2005.10.13

[Inside_Dierdre/Things_I_Hate: The_Ninternet]

Dear readers, it's me: Dierdre.

Yeah, I know this is Gabriel's column, and that here at WTC, it's his job to bring the hate, but I did a bad thing yesterday: I visited The Spiral messageboard, and now there are a few things I need to get off my fucking chest. And people? No other heading would do.

Now, I'm not actually a member of The Spiral, because I can't justifiably spare the 60 bones to be a card-carrying Nine Inch Nails fan, and really, I think I can accurately say that as far as loving me some Nine Inch Nails goes, I have WAY more extensive credentials than any fucking card could possibly confer. At this point, if I'm forking over $60, I want my benefits to include a front row seat to the part of the evening where Trent peels his sparkly pants off his tight, sweaty little ass and takes a nice, hot, slippery shower in a facility with a glass door, and I want to be eligible to win a contest that would allow me to hand him a towel when he's gets out, and his skin is all steamy and wet. Short of that, I'm out.

Still, I know they have the little videos, concert photos, and reportedly, direct communication with "notre amour" himself over there, and I am a little bummed that my impoverished student's budget doesn't allow me to read every word that springs from His Imperial Highness's typing fingers, and address my love to him directly, via PM or some shit, like I could if I just forked over, but whatevs. Lucky for me, I have kind readers here at WTC, and one of them lent me her login so that I could just peek in, have a look at the amenties, and see what I'm missing.

BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.

I know we've totally covered the topic of Rob Sheridan's repeated presentations of the fucking relentless idiocy of the average Nine Inch Nails fan. As I've said before, I have no idea why he, or anyone else on TeamNails™ -- and yeah, I'm talking to you, Trent -- thinks we want to see a bunch of dickslap idiots with NIN logo tattoos, offering up their devil horns and going "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO" after being asked by flunkie extraordinaire, Mr. Sheridan, official(ly shitty) NIN documentarian, to "give the camera some rock."

Ugh.

I thought THAT sucked, but that was before I read The Spiral's message board, which, get this: is just like ETS only FAR STUPIDER. "What?" you say, you can't imagine how that can be possible? Well, let me put it to you like this (and bear in mind that I am saying this despite the fact that ETS unjustly banned my "desperate cuntrag" ass a long time ago for daring to publicly admit that Trent Reznor is hot, and that I think the core group over there are a gaggle of humorless, fascistic, puritanical, asslicking losers): ETS offers BETTER MODERATION, and generates MORE INTELLIGENT discussion of actual topics related to Nine Inch Nails than could possibly be found at The Spiral. Can you believe that shit? Personally, I thought ETS was pretty much the most stultifyingly moronic nightmare on planet earth before I visited The Spiral, and I found out that I was absolutely fucking wrong.

Every single thread on the spiral messageboard is a steaming, pungent pantsload of diarrhea; and if you thought ETS was cliquey, The Spiral is so much fucking worse. I mean, I can understand that when Trent posts a message to that board, everyone wants to answer, because, dude, for better or worse, WE ALL LOVE THAT GUY, and yeah, we're dying to talk to him. But ROB SHERIDAN? This guy has fucking ARMIES of asskissers vying for his attention, and seriously: WHO CARES?

Ooooh! He hangs with Trent! Again, I say: UGH.

And, people, have you seen Mr. Sheridan's crass, stupid, mean-spirited, self-aggrandizing, "look how cool and hip I am", frat boy blog? Oh yeah! go on over! Read all about Japanese toilets, and how he fucked a latex pussy in a plastic beer can, or how he'd "go Roman" all over Brad Pitt's chiseled Achilles ass despite how lame an actor he is, and despite how Rob is (mostly) straight! Read his detailed and graphic description of an old lady's poop he saw on a plane once! Great stuff.

Geez of Nazareth. No wonder The Spiral sucks ass! And, I haven't even gotten to the part where Meathead is a moderator!

Meathead, it seems, reigns resplendently supreme over a roiling cesspool subregion of The Spiral's messageboard called "We Have The Power", in which anyone with moderator privileges can post as anyone else, and edit posts at will, and which mostly consists of pictures of fat chicks' asses, poop, and the ritual humiliation of girls who love Trent. Now, I cringed when Gabriel tore Meathead a new one for being unfunny, and I've always loved Meathead's column, but you know what? Gabriel was right: Meathead is clearly a pencil-dicked geek who probably didn't get laid until he was 25, and is afraid of women. He is routinely pissy, defensive, petty, humorless, and exists only to point out how much cooler he is than anyone who expresses any kind of sincerity.

And, Meathead? Everyone on fucking earth thinks about someone hot when they masturbate, you self-righteous fuckwit, even you. My .02? Straight (?) guys who are obsessed with Trent Reznor for years on end are a lot creepier than girls who can see a fucking church by daylight and know how to make themselves come.

You know what bugs me most about all this, though? TRENT'S NAME IS ON IT.

If Trent's work spawns the mind-boggling stupidity of ETS, but he can't help it, OK. What can you do? This is different. This is a Nine Inch Nails sanctioned haven of cretinism, moderated (?!) by Trent, himself, and it just makes me fucking ill. How an artist like Trent, who does work that is so clearly marked with sharp intelligence, subtlety, seriousness, and genuine emotion can generate a fanbase that spectacularly moronic astounds me -- it's a subject that's totally ripe for anthropological study -- but for Trent to be involved in actively pandering to a fanbase that is so totally devoid of any fucking brains whatsoever is really just depressing.

I think you all know how much it hurts me to say this -- I am literally CRYING as I type it -- but FUCK: maybe Gabriel has been right about Trent all along. Maybe his big mission, is just to rake in the big bucks and retire fat and happy, so it's all about the KISS principle nowadays.

I'm sad.

Posted by Dierdre ~ in inside_dierdre, things_i_hate | Permalink

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Comments

"Officially shitty documentarian"? How DARE YOU????

Rob is a good and decent man. Dierdre, sometimes you really just go too far.

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 13, 2005 10:26:32 AM

Oh, FUCK YOU, Gabriel. You are such a fucking twat.

Sweet Holy Jesus FUCK am I in a bad mood.

Posted by: Dierdre | Oct 13, 2005 10:37:09 AM

Wow, this new-and-improved "Dierdre Keating In Love" is such an improvement over how you used to be.

But I guess leading a double life will do that to people.. Need a say it again: SELL OUT.

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 13, 2005 10:44:21 AM

Look, I've been through enough surprises in the past 24 hours without you two switching roles on me.

I am in an unreasonably reasonable frame of mind, considering everything, so what I will say is this.

Everybody just STOP. Take a DEEP BREATH. Let's just go back to the basics, shall we?

Why are we here? We like NIN. Why do we like NIN? For the music. Why do we like the music? Because it fucking rocks. Or it turns us on. Or it gets us through really heavy shit. And Trent Reznor is the guy who creates the music so we like him too. He's also a *very busy* person, so maybe things like this get out of his control.

And remember that hell is other people.

Life is too short to worry about what Meathead or anyone else thinks. Meathead...I mean, Christ, it's like a fucking religion with this guy...I said it before, and I'll say it again, WHO CARES?

Just listen to the music and do what you want with it and don't worry about anyone else. The internet is full of assholes...either have your fun with them or ignore them.

Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 11:17:29 AM

And I would just like to add that above all else, I'm a total Python geek, so I'm just coming at this whole web drama thing from a waaaay different perspective.

Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 11:26:21 AM

Oh Maise! I hope you're right. GOOD LORD, I love Trent, but sometimes I just don't get why such beautiful work, work that I FUCKING LOVE, and that has totally been in my heart for YEARS has to wear such a horrifically embarrassing idiot costume.

You're right! I love Nine Inch Nails, and I love Trent. That's why it bugs me HARDCORE.

You're probably right, though. I'm overreacting. Like I said, I'm in a bad fucking mood.

Posted by: Dierdre | Oct 13, 2005 11:59:14 AM

Unfortunately for us, most NIN fans are idiots. We'll just have to live with it. Meh.

I want to say more but right now my nose is about to explode from the pressure of built up snot, and even standing up and leaning forward and back isn't loosening it up enough for me to blow my nose... so it hurts to think right now.

Posted by: Kim | Oct 13, 2005 12:15:26 PM

Whichever one of you guys called The Spiral the "Trent Reznor Retirement Fund" was totally right.

That said, don't blame him, D. He's still your man. This spiral bullshit is just business.

Posted by: Jane | Oct 13, 2005 12:16:28 PM

And OMG guys, my friend Angie is going to the Madison show tonight! *does a little happy dance* If her mom remembered to buy some more minutes on her phone, I'll get to listen in. Woo!

Posted by: Kim | Oct 13, 2005 12:16:35 PM

Well, it's like any other aspect of popular culture that's...well, popular.

Take Python, for instance. There are the people who dress up like Gumbies and Pepperpots, and the people who over-intellectualize the whole thing and wash out the humor with analysis, and the frat boys who miss half the jokes because they reference British politics or literature, and the SHORT-SIGHTED IDIOTS who prefer "The Holy Grail" to "Life of Brian" because they don't think the latter is "as funny" and the girls like...oh, I don't know who this could possibly be...lust after Eric Idle and the ones who just like to endlessly quote the films and episodes in every possible context. Can we all get along if we were put into one room? Probably not. But the whole thing is just so silly that it's impossible to get that worked up over it. Maybe some people do, I don't know. Which makes them even sillier and the universe a funnier, more absurd place. What makes the [shudder] "ninternet" even funnier than *that* is that everyone is so DEADLY SERIOUS about it all. That makes me love it even more.

Trent's just a human guy with a lot on his plate, and I think the concept of him as a message board moderator is beyond hilarious because to be an effective moderator (especially in the "nin"th circle of hell), you basically have to be plugged in 24/7.

And do we want him on a message board 24/7? No. I for one would like him to be either in my city on tour or in the studio writing the next song that addresses the hell in a handbasket that is Life.

Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 12:16:39 PM

Maise, OF COURSE he's not REALLY moderating that crap, but it still cracks me wide fucking open, because when I see something like that, it just makes it hard for me to convince myself that it's all about the art. Dude, THE ART does not need that turd sitting on top of it.

I mean, maybe the reason for this is that people in the music industry need to seek out new business models to bolster falling profits due to most of what's out there being the shittiest crap ever produced (Linkin Park, anyone?), or, you know, file sharing, or some shit; but I want to respect Trent Reznor as the artist who is responsible for some of my favorite works of art ever, and the mastermind of the most beautiful physical performances I have ever borne witness to, and who, for all my talk about how hot he is, has been so much more to me than a stupid fuck fantasy. All I'm saying is that at no point did I need to experience him as a purveyor of fucking LAME fratboy bullshit at the age of 40.

Ok, ok. I know it's not his fault, but I am saying this: Trent, PLEASE RECUSE YOURSELF.

And, you know what? I agree that the Meathead thing MUST DIE, but the misogynistic bullshit makes me mad. It's so easy to make fun of girls who love Trent too much (like me!), and it's so much harder to see why that's not as stupid as he thinks it is, and that not all of us are insane idiots.

Trent is a very compelling person, and you'd think a guy who'd spent so long worshiping at the altar would be able to acknowledge that.

Posted by: Dierdre | Oct 13, 2005 12:40:48 PM

God, D, you mentioned my dirty secret. (Linkin Park)

I wish I could get those 40 bucks back. Man, do I ever.

Posted by: Kim | Oct 13, 2005 1:05:51 PM

Eh, some people devote their entire lives to turning message boards to complete shit. It's inevitable, no matter who's on top of it.

Other people just feel the need to be superior to others. There certainly was a lot of that at my expense back in the day. Now I just shrug and lightheartedly say, "Whatever," as I plot my immortal revenge. But I can only devote that sort of attention to an old-fashioned person-to-person bully. Obsessive fans carping about other types of obsessive fans on the internet? Puh-leaze.

But 100 years from now, when we've all been burned, buried, or eaten, no one will remember the Spiral, but people will still be covering "Hurt." That's all that matters.

Fin.


Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 1:21:36 PM

Maise, I get your point, and I agree; but this isn't really about carping on other obsessive fans on the internet, this is about the place in the world that is created for this work of art when it is buried up to it's neck in such utter bullshit.

Yeah, people will still be covering "Hurt", and yeah, at the end of the day, I love Trent for his music and his words a lot more than I love his brand new he-man physique, but still: I want it to be clean.

Posted by: Dierdre | Oct 13, 2005 1:37:58 PM

Actually, I'm putting together a time capsule feature NO nine inch nails music, but just printouts of WTC, ETS, and The Spiral.

Eat THAT, future bitches.

And happy Atonement Day to all our Hasidic readers.

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 13, 2005 1:41:17 PM

Don't forget the Meathead Perspective...would be such a shame if it were lost in time...

Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 2:34:48 PM

Oh my fucking god, Dierdre. I looked at Rob Sheridan's website, and you are totally right - he is an absolute douchebag.

Posted by: Jane | Oct 13, 2005 2:58:11 PM

Shut the fuck up Jane, she doesn't need any encouragement.

Seriously, Dierdre, character assassination is ugly no matter what the motivation. And just because you're in France doesn't make you La Femme NaKeating.

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 13, 2005 3:02:13 PM

Oh, you're a fine one to talk about character assasination, Gabriel. Aren't you the one who kicked off the Hate Olympics?

You should know better than anyone, except, I hope, SPARKLEPANTS HIMSELF, that this post is not about hate; it's about love.

Posted by: Dierdre | Oct 13, 2005 3:30:29 PM

Everyone Calm DOWN!!!
Less Hate !
More Sparklepants!

Posted by: melly | Oct 13, 2005 4:36:39 PM

"Decimation was a form of extreme military discipline imposed by officers in the Roman Army. Literally meaning "removal of a tenth," this punishment was assigned to mutinous or cowardly soldiers. Those selected for punishment were divided into groups of ten; each group cast lots, and the soldier on whom the lot fell was executed by his nine comrades, often by stoning or clubbing. In addition, the remaining soldiers were given rations of barley instead of wheat and forced to sleep outside of the Roman encampment."

Posted by: Saturnine | Oct 13, 2005 5:20:16 PM

Ooooooh, somebody's been deemed "mutinous" for not liking Rob Sheridan!

BAD DIERDRE, BAD!!!!! Prepare to be kicked off the S.S. Reznor!!!

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 13, 2005 6:02:23 PM

I'm so confused.

Posted by: Kim | Oct 13, 2005 6:25:21 PM

Yeah, uh...I think I'll take the barley ration, if you don't mind...yep, barley's just fine with me. You can make beer with it, right?

Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 9:07:02 PM

Okay, one thing I don't get...why does Rob's blog have a mini-blog off to the side? Is that like a baby blog? A blog tumor? Some sort of shrunken conjoined twin of a blog? I'm not judging*...I'm just asking.

*Disclaimer: Maise is not affiliated with Dierdre's hatred of Rob, and Maise thanks Rob for all the hard work he does. Please don't break my legs.

Posted by: maise | Oct 13, 2005 9:43:01 PM

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