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2005.10.31

[Dear_Trent:_Au_Revoir]

Dear Trent,

It comes down to this: I can't think about you anymore.

I've done a lot of soul-searching in the past few days, and I know I'm doing the right thing. Michel and my own behavior have made it clear to me that our love (his and mine) doesn't have a chance if I keep holding onto my stupid dreams.

I know you probably don't even read these letters or know I'm alive, so you won't even miss me, but I can't even begin to tell you how desperately I'll miss you. For more than ten years now, you've been my true north, my compass, and my guide. If your beauty has been mired in chaos and contradiction, my heart has never been able to deny its fearful symmetry. You've always been my angel with meat wings, and you've shown me, more than any other artist or human being, a true glimpse of the divine poetry of human work. You've inspired me, frightened me, thrilled me, challenged me, and made me ache with desire. You taught me true, self-sustaining, bone-deep love, and I'll never forget.

You'll always be inside me, Trent, but reality has been crowded out for too long by this dream of you, and it's time for me to grow up. You will always be my first love, and the first man to ever truly touch me. No man has ever touched me as deeply as you did and do, and truthfully, I fear no man ever will. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get you out of my heart, but I've got to be serious about trying, so this is good-bye.

I love you.

Au Revoir,
Dierdre

Posted by Dierdre ~ in dear_trent | Permalink

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What? First it's the Mysterious Silence of Dierdre Keating, now it's the Grand Love You're Leaving Behind?

Whatever, Dierdre. You can't stop thinking about Trent any more than I can stop rocking the people with the glory of my music. Fuck you (again).

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 31, 2005 2:51:02 PM

OK I came in here to get a good Goth fix before celebrating my National Holiday (Oiche Shamhna everyone) and I come in to THIS??!!!

WTF?

You can't leave Trent, Dierdre. Trent will never leave you - he is in your fucking DNA. Hell, I've been married, I'm WIDOWED, and I'm dating again, and Trent has been involved in all of those parts of my life. You can't do this. Oh I admire your tenacity. But you won't be able to do it. I guarantee that you will go running back to Trent one day. It may not be today, it may not be next week, and it might not even be on your wedding night...but the day that you find yourself pregnant with Michel's baby, and you start to think about names...Trent will come back to you. By the way, just so you know, "Trent" means "gushing waters", or "torrents"...

Posted by: Buttercup | Oct 31, 2005 3:20:35 PM

Dear Trent,

In the fucking name JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, and ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY, please, PLEASE talk some sense into this poor lost soul. Her only sin is love. Please don't let her do this.

Sincerely,
Jane

P.S. Dierdre, where does Michel live? I am coming over there. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Posted by: Jane | Oct 31, 2005 3:31:32 PM

Whatever. She's fucking being dramatic and hysterical as usual, you idiots. I refuse to play into her game this time.

I said it before, and I'll say it again -- you want to really figure things out, Call Me, Dierdre, and we'll figure it out. But this is about as Gay as your boyfriend's accent and you know it.

Posted by: Gabriel | Oct 31, 2005 3:36:36 PM

i hate to admit this, but i agree heartily with gabriel. this is self-indulgent bullshit.

i resent having read your latest update, dierdre. snap out of it. i'm beginning to feel sorry for you.

-denise

Posted by: denise | Oct 31, 2005 3:43:49 PM

This is such bullshit. You need to get a man who loves Trent as much as you do.

Posted by: Enid | Oct 31, 2005 4:37:35 PM

Worst. Dear Trent. Ever.

First of all, there is nothing that is guaranteed to make you dwell on something as a vow to not think about that thing. So I'm skeptical that this is truly "farewell." Although I don't speak French, I do believe that "au revoir" is hardly final. More like "til I see you again," no?

Second, Dierdre, you might believe in "One True Love" and "Soulmates," but I do not. There are probably about 40,000 people you could spend the rest of your life being happily married to. You might actually meet and get to know a few of them. You might wind up actually marrying one or two--hopefully just one. There are some people whose innate compatibility with you you'll never see. There are others you are going to love, and they won't see it in you. When someone grabs your heart, it's okay to love that person, even if fate drags you down a different road.

Don't you know that there are many different kinds of love in the world? And they can all live inside your heart at one time. It gets really noisy and messy that way, but at least you don't have to kill parts of yourself. You've got First Childhood Love, Melodramatic Adolescent Love, The Guy You Should Have Asked Out in High School Love, Failed Love, Misguided Love, First Real Love, The "It's Mostly About Sex" Love, I Could Marry This Guy And I Think I Will Love, and...yes, Artistic Idol/Muse Love. I'm telling you, loving and marrying Michel doesn't mean that you have to purge all this love from your life. You would be a sorrier person for having done so.

If you marry Michel, you will have to prioritize, and Michel will have to come first. Luckily for us, John Lennon figured it all out already:

"Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more."

So I think it's futile for you to "give up" Trent, and it's not a prerequisite to having a happy marriage. But I find it troubling nevertheless that you feel the need to carve out this part of you. You see, I too have an Artistic Idol/Muse. It's not Trent, but I found him at that same very impressionable age. That person changed my life forever, and I would not be who I am without that person. It would be impossible for me to give that up, and anyone who would ask me to give that up doesn't know me so well.

I doubt I'm persuading you of anything, but I truly do believe that if you completely neuter that which makes you so fucking charming and memorable (this coming from a straight girl), I think you'll regret it.

But you gotta do what you gotta do, and I've got to watch "Nightmare Before Christmas" with the husband.

Take care,
Maise

Posted by: maise | Oct 31, 2005 6:58:34 PM

Oui, maise..."au revoir" means "to the time I will re-see you". But this is Dierdre's choice. If she no longer feels that she can be avec notre amour, who are we to question? She must be allowed to live her life and make her own erreurs. Gabriel, you need to release some of your anger and frustration you accuse at Dierdre. The control it is out of our hands, and, as you say so often, in the hands of Notre Seigneur. You have done all you can, mon cher. I admire you for all you have done for her.

Posted by: Mimi | Oct 31, 2005 7:54:02 PM

Oh who needs reality shows when we have the internet!!

Please continue, I'm laughing my ass off at this stupid drama. :D

Posted by: Mr.Malm | Oct 31, 2005 7:56:41 PM

"fearful symmetry" = BLAKE.

niiiiice.

Posted by: greatbigfatbitch | Oct 31, 2005 9:02:10 PM

To varying degrees, I appreciate everyone's concern, but with all due respect to some of you and true gratitude to others, I must tell you that it is I who know my own heart best.

Buttercup, you are right: I know Trent will never leave me, but I have to do what I can to make him live in some less-used corner of my mind. Maise, I know there's room for all kinds of love in a girl's heart, but believe me when I tell you that I know for a fact that this town's not big enough for Trent and Michel.

Jane, Denise, Enid: I'm sorry you're so disappointed in me, but this is my life, and I have to do what's right for me.

Mr. Malm, you need a new name.

greatbigfatbitch, your name rules the known universe. Thanks for not letting my literary references fall flat.

Now, all of you go look at fratboy deluxe Rob Sheridan's horrible photos from New Orleans, and try to imagine what I'd say about Trent's recent philanthropy if I were allowing myself to speak, because, believe me, I love him more than ever, but I must attempt to put my mind on other things, like planning my wedding which is less than two weeks away, and making my fiance feel like he is the Emperor of my heart.

Finally, Gabriel, you crossed a line on Friday. I don't trust you anymore. Have you ever truly been my friend? I'm finished with you. I'll be calling your bitch ass NEVER.

WTC is all yours.

Posted by: Dierdre | Oct 31, 2005 9:58:03 PM

My God, Dierdre.

I know I was harsh, but please, PLEASE, tell me you're joking about leaving this website in Gabriel's hands.

Posted by: Jane | Nov 1, 2005 3:03:29 AM

Seriously, Dierdre, I'm with Jane on this one. We need you to balance out the Gabriel bipolar roller coaster.

You hear that, trolls? Dierdre went and got herself A LIFE. How fucking depressing.

I guess I just don't get it. Isn't it enough for you to love Michel...why does he have to swallow you whole? "Emperor of my heart"...has there ever been a good emperor? The first emperors who pop into my mind are Napoleon and Palpatine. Both are bad news, if you ask me.

And although I don't support Gabriel publicly busting you out, as he did on Friday, I do wonder why it is that you need to rush things so. You've been engaged slightly less than a month. Are you afraid that if you waited a year or so to get married, you'd wind up changing your mind? It's normal to be nervous about such a life-changing event, but if you've got enormous doubts about this decision, you're probably better off waiting. Because once you get married, it is an enormous bureaucratic and emotional pain in the ass to get un-married.

Please take the advice of an old married lady when I say *live* with this guy for a bit first. Do you even know if he leaves his socks on the floor at this point? There could be nine million things about him that will annoy you to death that you don't even know about yet.

It's your life and your decision, but I encourage you to slow things down. If Michel truly loves you, he will be there for you three months from now, not just two weeks from now...

Posted by: maise | Nov 1, 2005 5:34:28 AM

honey, the reason you are still thinking about Trent is that you have not found the right person to replace him in your heart. If Michael does not stop you from thinking about TR then YOU DON'T LOVE HIM SO DON'T MARRY HIM!

Posted by: M | Nov 2, 2005 9:06:56 AM

A-fucking-men, goddammit.

Please, Dierdre, SEE SENSE. If it's just that you can't forgive Gabriel for his betrayal, start your own fucking blog, and I'll be right over.

COME ON! How can you not be commenting on Trent's romantic music selections?!

Posted by: Jane | Nov 2, 2005 2:19:27 PM

Dierdre:

I know this is two years old, and I've seen you on the NIN blog but...

Most of us women, and some of the men on the blog, feel this way about him. If I had my druthers, fuck yeah, I'd be a beautiful thin exotic dancer, I'd be a model or a movie star and I'd be in one of those pictures where he's kissing me or I'm laying with his head between my legs UNKAY? But I'm not. In fact I'm probably someone who wouldn't turn his head, even if I lost weight (maybe you are who knows).

We all respond to his music this way. But if you feel the fantasy is too intrusiveon your reality...know you're not alone. It is good to temper fantasy with reality always. And you must LIVE, and yo must LIVE your own life.

Give yourself time...as it fades you may find that your ab;e to keep a level head about it and enjoy the music and the art of what he does...it may be almost bitter sweet in some ways, but in the end you're here to live your life and learn your lessons. This will be one of them. But it is nothing the be sad about or ashamed about, you're simply facing something tough.

That is very commendable, Dierdre

Take it a day at a time, let yourself go through the emotions and it will all fall into place.

Posted by: Janedoepa | Oct 30, 2007 3:39:44 AM

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