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2005.09.27

[Things_I_Hate: Meathead]

I know everybody's still got their Saltines in a bind after my Christly good Understanding Teeth of Sunday night, but I've got to interrupt the roundabout rhetoric here for a moment and discuss something important.

*******IMPORTANT NINTERNET NEWS FLASH*******
MEATHEAD FUCKING BLOWS NOW

Now I know what you're all saying: "No shit, Gabriel. It's been obvious for months. Thanks for finally buying a cup of coffee, douchebag". And you may be right.

But things weren't always this way.

I remember a day when the guy was actually funny. Yes, that's right, FUNNY. Where you would read the words posted on his website, and they would make your diaphragm spasm invountarily while a repeated "ha-ha-ha" sound emanated from your smiling mouth. And not just, "Oh, some fucking half-breed dim-wit on ETS thinks it's funny" funny, but "I'm a person who reads The Onion and even I'm laughing" funny.

The dark long years between nine inch nails albums were filled with random missives from some nerd somewhere with a pocket full of sarcasm, an appreciation for how silly Trent Reznor's goofy "darkness" could be at times, and a very strong self-awareness for his own retardation as an obsessed fan; to still be in love with the whole NIN shebang while still possessing the self-awareness to know how stupid it kinda was/is.

That's why The Head was great. The intelligent among us know that it's just a teeny bit wonky to be as into this band as we all are -- and Meathead was the outlet for that. He let us laugh at Trent, while we laughed at ourselves for loving Trent in the first place.

Remember "Trent Is Probably Not Dead"? What about the many redonkulous Birthday Cards to Trent over the years? And let's not forget the genius of The Faux Web Cam.

I mean, come on -- great stuff. Made you proud to be a fan. But then something happened.

I first noticed the change after 'Head went to the first new NIN shows. It was quite dramatic, actually -- from funny and biting, openly mocking Herr Reznor like a fang-toothed viper, to taking weak-ass pot shots that were about as threatening as an Evanescence concert.

It's been said in the rumon-mongering corners of the Ninternet that actually become peripherally friendly with the band -- hell, even meeting Leo and Rob -- may have softened Meathead. Maybe he decided to suck because he didn't want to offend Trent. Maybe he just started masturbating more, and that took his attention away from the Perspective. Or maybe he just finally realized what a beanpole blondie fuckwit he actually is, and that the MS Paint joke ran dry years ago, and this soul-crushing realization destroyed his creative drive.

I don't know. All I know is that he fucking sucks. How much does he suck?

Well let's talk about it. What does he write about now? His latest entry, oh-so-stingingly titled "The Dorkwad Spiral" (get it -- it's not the DOWNWARD Spiral -- it's DORKWAD instead! LOLOL, he RULES!!!!!), takes on the messageboard and chat app on The Spiral.

Truth be told, there's much to mock here, but what does he do? He sarcastically ribs it for being "Totally fresh and new and unlike any other Nine Inch Nails-related message board" (hint: this is "funny" because The Spiral really isn't! MAN, HE'S AWESOME! GOT ME AGAIN!). Basically, he's trying to shit all over The Spiral messageboard because it's existence means a huge traffic decline for his faggot friend Leviathant's gay ass Echoing The Sound board, and NIN Hotline site. GEE, that's Totally Fresh and Original meathead! Rip on other people's work so you can save your friend's ass! What are, fucking George Bush, you assface fuck? Is it The Haliburton Hotline or what?

You folks think I'm wrong? Take a look at the latest skin revisions of ETS, and the latest "upgrades" to The NIN Hotline. Gee whiz doohickey, they're all happening right as The Spiral opens! Because Meathead, Saturnine, Levi, and his bitchy wife Cuntolyke are in for a big loss of their Ninternet fame, and they know it.

Guess what? You all have earned it. So SUCK IT, BITCHES.

Let's look at another recent Meathead feature, where he tries to be biting by ripping on the readers of Echoing the Sound. OHH, that's really "Fresh and original", MEATFUCK, considering WE'VE BEEN DOING THE SAME THING, only BETTER, and WITH SOME BALLS, for months now, you pigfuck mutant.

And let's not forget Meatfuck's recent failed attempt at "returning to form" with the oh-so-tongue-in-cheek "Damn It, Jerome" post, where he pretends to be edgy by flaccidly flirting with the notion of Jerome actually dying with his opening graphic, only to reveal his complete lack of commitment, balls, or humor by turning the entire post into a fucking set list riff (that features such zingers as "Not So Pretty Now (whatever the fuck that is)".

Seriously, Meathead, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: STOP. You're not fucking funny anymore, we all know it, I think you're smart enough to know that YOU know it, and when Levi is talking in the "suggestions" thread at ETS about how it's amazing that you've turned out so much quality material over the years, it sounds like a eulogy -- that's because it IS.

YOU SUCK NOW. STOP IT. If you think you can still be funny, YOU'RE WRONG. YOU ARE FUCKING LAME. YOU ARE THE NEW RICHARD PATRICK. To quote Trent, you "SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK".

This poem is for you.

things i hate: meatfuck
words by gabriel

meatfuck
you suck
you fucking dork

hang with the lamers
and the adoring homo flamers
you still know you suck

your fraternity of shit
ms paint this, bitch
can you do a flash movie
of me kicking your ass
all over the ninternet?

trent's not your friend
and when the sycophantic suck off ends
and meatfuck is dead
you'll just be the fuckhole
fuck the meatfuckhole

you're a smart guy
you must know you're shitty now

damn.
must suck to be you

fuck off.

Posted by Gabriel in things_i_hate | Permalink

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» Latest NIN crap from Grand Mental Station
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» Latest NIN crap from Grand Mental Station
Trent Reznor is incredibly buff now, eh? If this keeps up, pretty soon Major League Baseball is going to make him submit to random testing. Because, really, how many guys have pulled off both the heroin-chic Gothtastic appeal as well [Read More]

Tracked on Jun 27, 2006 12:41:03 PM

Comments

Fuck, Gabriel. You are the KING of hate. Your trough of hate runneth over. Hate hate hate.

And you're upset at me for one or two little pokes at WTC's horny, fucking maudlin retard quotient? Dude. You still need to buy that cup of coffee.

Having said that, you're right, Meathead is definitely in decline. I'm not sure he'll ever make me laugh harded than that one time when Trent was listening to Sigur Ros on the can and Charlie Clouser moved out of the Empire with Roger Waters.

Things I hate, Gabriel? YOU.

Posted by: Jane | Sep 27, 2005 12:25:35 PM

Gabriel, your posts are getting entirely too long. I find myself skimming.

Posted by: Ball Glyttr | Sep 27, 2005 1:05:05 PM

Gabriel, I agree that Meathead is about 1/3 as funny as he used to be, but COME ON, dude.

GET A LIFE.

Posted by: Dierdre | Sep 27, 2005 1:09:19 PM

Egad, who cares? Look, unless you're just trying to get his attention to inspire an anti-WTC edition of the "Meathead Perspective," why devote like 3,000 words and some overwrought poetry to the guy?

You're so edgy, you wrote him a poem!

Here's a haiku I'd like to call, "The Crux of the Problem":

You're just jealous that
the offical band website
has linked to Meathead.

There's nothing more tiresome than pointing out exactly where a person isn't being funny.

You can do better, Gabe, I know it! Now if you'll just have some oral sex with Jeor...just kidding! just kidding! I'm not starting that up again...

Posted by: maise | Sep 27, 2005 1:19:03 PM

Five bonus points to the person who can spot the typo in my last post!

Posted by: maise | Sep 27, 2005 1:20:26 PM

Maise, lines 7 through 9 of your first comment weren't funny.

Posted by: Gabriel | Sep 27, 2005 1:35:05 PM

Offical, maise? :P

I agree with Gabe about Meathead no longer being funny... *shock**horror*.

And I agree with Maise that it's tiresome pointing out when a person isn't being funny.

Posted by: Kim | Sep 27, 2005 1:49:36 PM

Maise, Gabriel has a crush on Meathhead. This is like a third grade level attempt to get his attention.

Posted by: Dierdre | Sep 27, 2005 2:12:26 PM

Speaking of The Onion: I'm Not Surprised Hitler Was A Taurus

You know, in case you all need a break from Gabriel's "wit".

Posted by: Dierdre | Sep 27, 2005 2:33:16 PM

Hi mama cat.

Posted by: Roth | Sep 27, 2005 6:41:44 PM

Btw, in case you haven't seen it already, NIN hotline has linked to a really good interview from May, 2005. I'm guessing it was originally auf deutsch? Anyway, it covers the usual topics: "addiction, recovery, lordy lordy, look who's 40" but just with a lot more detail and emotion...

Posted by: maise | Sep 27, 2005 8:16:54 PM

Lordy, lordy, look who apparently screwed up the link! Anyway, it's been a LONG day, and I'm not done yet...so just go to nin hotline and check it out there...

Posted by: maise | Sep 27, 2005 8:21:33 PM

No worries Maise -- your linkage has been fixed. :-)

Oh, and FUCK MEATHEAD. You all may not want to kick in with the so dearly earned hate and derision, but deep down in your hearts, you all know the man is unfunny as fuck.

If you don't have the courage to bring the derision of the Ninternet elite down upon you, I will. That's what I'm here for.

Cause I'm Gabriel Miller. And I hate everyone.

Posted by: Gabriel | Sep 27, 2005 8:30:53 PM

"If you don't have the courage to bring the derision of the Ninternet elite down upon you, I will. That's what I'm here for."

My dear, what *are* you talking about? Are you feeling all right?

The term "ninternet" is so lame, it makes me queasy.

Posted by: maise | Sep 27, 2005 10:18:25 PM

Thanks for that link Maise. Can I just re-iterate that I LOVE Trent? Now that I've read that, I will be spending my entire day with the back of my hand thrown over my brow, sighing with love and affection for a man I don't even know.

Again.

I may even say "Oh God!" to myself.

(I think the term "ninternet" is so lame it's hilarious, though, don't you?)

Posted by: Dierdre | Sep 27, 2005 11:40:02 PM

Maise, that's a fantastic interview. Thanks for sharing(I did my search for "pertinent", but didn't find it this time.)

:)

Posted by: bex | Sep 28, 2005 6:55:53 AM

All of you are the same person, aren't you? Sybil, can you hear me? That's a spectacular fixation you've got going on there.

Posted by: Your best friend | Sep 28, 2005 7:30:56 AM

I get a head cold and oxygen is unable to reach my brain for a couple of days and I come back to this crap? Oh dude, get a life. We know that you want Meathead to do a parody of you with your pic on the crucifix, Gabriel.

I'm going back to bed with another hot rum toddy. Let me know when there are more HOTT pix of Trent like the luscious one on the Spiral here: http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/ButtercupJ/8.jpg

PS Don't ask me to use HTML now because I barely could remember my fucking login name. I fucking hate head colds almost as much as Gabriel hates being ignored...

Posted by: Buttercup J. | Sep 28, 2005 7:39:05 AM

this might not be the right place, but i happend to stumble across your comments on the trent interview. yes it was originally in german and it took quite some time and nerves to translate it. so i'm extremly happy to hear some positive comments on that(=...thanx a lot

Posted by: kingfisher | Sep 28, 2005 12:05:33 PM

Kingfisher, Thank YOU for translating. That was an awesome interview, and it's great that there is a community of people out there to make sure those of us who are nuts enough to want to can interviews from elsewhere.

Also, Trent sure is fantastic, no?

Posted by: Dierdre | Sep 28, 2005 12:16:18 PM

Kingfisher,

Ich spreche ein Bisschen deutsch, (also, Entschuldigung fuer meine Grammatik), und ich dachte, dass deine Uebersetzung ausgezeichnet war. Ich weiss, wie schwierig das ist. Vielen, vielen, vielen Dank! Trent schien mehr gespraechig als normal fuer dieses Interview, nein?

mit freundlichen Gruessen...

Posted by: maise | Sep 28, 2005 12:27:42 PM

Such a multilingual bunch we are! To the non-German speakers, sorry for the above, but I tend to totally geek out when it comes to the German language.

Basically told Kingfisher that the translation was excellent, a million thanks, etc.

Posted by: maise | Sep 28, 2005 12:30:20 PM

Maise, I was just thinking about how multilingual we are as a group. Now if only I could figure out how to post Japanese characters on this site, I could post some missives of my own that require the use of Babelfish. (By the way, my nickname for Trent is Japanese: "ouji-sama," which means "prince." Dierdre's nickname for him is still the best, though.)

And a big "arigatou" to kingfisher for translating the interview, of course. I'm reading it right now.

Posted by: emerald527 | Sep 28, 2005 1:34:14 PM

@diedre
thanks.
fantastic...yes. i was blown away when i read the interview for the first time(=

@maise
(decides not to answer in german because of the poor readers...)
your german is extremly good (what is it with you and the german language...?^^).
and thanks again, i really appreciate that.
the translation was a bit of a work...germans like to complicate sentences while they're often much easier in english...so i had to guess what he had said and simplify some of the stuff. but overall it was fun to do(=
and yeah he was indeed very talkative, i think they mention somewhere before in the article that it's one of the first interviews he did, so it must have been all fresh and new to him too...

Posted by: | Sep 28, 2005 1:42:43 PM

^ was posted by me of course

Posted by: kingfisher | Sep 28, 2005 1:44:38 PM

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