« [Le_"Ruiner"] | Main | [La_Brioche] »



I'm not sure how many of you guys remember the Self Destruct tour, but that was the first time I ever saw Trent Reznor in the flesh, and it left its mark on me forever.

I was only 12 years old, a mere slip of a girl, and a snow-white virgin when I arrived at that show -- innocent, but susceptible -- and when Trent took the stage, I could feel his heat as surely as I could fucking breathe. That night, I gave myself up when Trent made dirty, delicious love to us all, and my dear readers, he complicated me, alright.

That was the night Trent Reznor made me a woman.

Oh, God. It was so good. I can still see the shape of his body -- the way it moved through space -- his sheer, athletic mobility, with its strange blend of violence and grace. I can never forget his sharp, relentless eyes, glaring out into the darkness of the hall, or the way his voice ripped through me, his raging howl and whispered, heartbroken whimper penetrating me while his breathtaking volume vibrated through every single nerve in my body. Yes, EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE. I was a live wire conducting Trent's pure potency, and it buzzed through me like nothing I had ever conceived of in all the days of my young life.

I'd worn a black slip dress, and sheathed my little girl's bosom in skin-tight silver latex. I grounded myself in the heaviest boots I could find, and ripped my fishnets. My eyes were as soot black as a raccoon's, my lips were black cherry red, and my hair was deep, dark blue-black, smooth and straight to my bare, white, shoulder blades. I was jailbait, and the guy next to me at the concert was hooked. He tried all night to get me to reel him in, and his hands were all over me. No doubt, he could smell that I was ripe for the picking -- wet, and aching for something I could not name -- but it wasn't for him.

In fact, I couldn't imagine how that guy, or any of the other guys who'd come there that night, could stand to be in the same room with a man who so obviously out-gunned them in every single respect, and then, on top of it, could be deluded enough to try and distract my attention?

Oh, hell no.

I shrugged off his advances with vague annoyance, and without so much as looking away from the stage, which had become nothing less than an altar for the One True Flame, a torch I knew then that I would carry forever, one way or another. I only had eyes for Trent. In fact, I felt like my eyes had found their pre-ordained purpose: they had been placed in my head by God himself to feast upon the glorious beauty of Trent Reznor.

My friends, I was undone. His violence subdued me, and his prickly vulnerability opened me to him. I was eating forbidden fruit with a sensuality that frightened me, and it was the best thing I had ever tasted. Let's just say that I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe. That night  was the first time in my life I'd ever felt that ache  -- you know the one I mean -- the ache from deep inside that can only be assuaged by one fucking thing.

It's also the first time I ever really fell in love.

Later that night, I climbed back into the window of my childhood room, got into my narrow bed, closed my eyes and saw those pale, slippery arms and legs, that face, with its burning eyes and sharp teeth, as if they had been seared into the insides of my own eyelids. I could feel him move against me, unbidden, hard, insistent, and uncontrollable. I could see his wet black hair sticking to his skin, in tangled, wet knots. I replayed, in my mind's eye, the way he'd slipped his hand into his shorts, closing his eyes with infinite softness, and the way his breathing had hitched a little bit as his hand found its object. Sheer necessity guided me that night, and I tasted sweet physical release for the first time.

Of course, since then, I've had boyfriends and lovers, young and old. They've touched me with their fumbling or skillful hands, and I've even felt like I was in love. I've had "real" loves requited and unrequited, just like anyone else; but that night, the first I spent with Trent burned into heart and body, as if I had been branded, when I was only 12 years old?

That night has yet to be equalled.

(To be continued...)

Posted by Dierdre ~ in inside_dierdre, unrequited_love | Permalink


TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference [Inside_Dierdre:


Oh la la, cherie. L'amour c'est magnifique, n'est-ce pas? Le vrai amour avec les petits morts...your love needs to be requited, cherie. Surely he must see this!!

Posted by: Mimi | Aug 17, 2005 5:26:19 AM

Is it just me or is there something very "Nibblers" about Mimi?

Posted by: MM | Aug 17, 2005 7:00:06 AM

BTW, Dierdre, you were a filthy whore, n'est-ce pas?

Posted by: MM | Aug 17, 2005 7:02:01 AM

Matt, you are fucking cracking me over here. "Nibblers"!? Fuck. That "n'est-ce pas" put me over the edge.

Posted by: Jane | Aug 17, 2005 7:09:22 AM

Damn, Lolita! No wonder why Trent was so depressed all those years...you weren't legal! ;)

Posted by: maise | Aug 17, 2005 7:26:57 AM

MM, I was NOT a "filthy whore", you dick. I was 12. I can't help it if Trent pulled out all the stops and made me his slave to love.

And Mimi? Thanks, as always, for your kind words. However, I think that if HE sees this, he may be rather alarmed... I mean, DUDE, I WAS 12, and he fully RAN ME THROUGH with his mojo, and left permanent scars.


Posted by: Dierdre | Aug 17, 2005 7:28:05 AM

Woah. That just blew me away.

Posted by: Nicole | Aug 17, 2005 8:18:47 AM

wow. i think i have to go do nasty things to myself now.

Posted by: Kate | Aug 17, 2005 8:44:03 AM

It hot in here or is it juss me? Woo lord. Hopefully my first time seeing him in the flesh will be like that. Actually, I can't imagine it being any less. Seriously, this is Trent Reznor we're talking about. Even if I'm not 12 anymore, I'm probably going to be able to identify quite well with you, Dierdre. Heh.

Posted by: Kim | Aug 17, 2005 11:39:49 AM

Kim, I KNOW he will slay you. The last show I saw in London was absolutely scrumptious; but I have to say, from my perspective of being able to compare THEN and NOW -- and you know, back then, I also saw Trent rock RUBBER TROUSERS that, when arched his back just so allowed us all a fairly unmistakable view of his rod and tackle -- that as much as it is true that Trent is even more the king of my heart than ever, his superpowers of PURE FILTH are not quite what they once were.

It wasn't just the filth, though, back then - it was the sweetness under it. It was the way that raging lunatic had a soul of pure truth, and how he always knew just when to be soft. Goddamn, he was so romantically beautiful, heartbreaking, terrifying and fucking filthy hot. As an artist, I think he was in that rare state of absolute connection with his work than made everything he did flawless. It was, truly, a staggering performance, and Trent wasn't just hot, he was a fucking supernova.

I'm so totally not joking when I say that I never recovered: that show changed me forever.

I can't wait to hear from all of you who will be tasting the delicious nectar of TRENT LIVE in the next few months. I hereby demand that all of you tell us ALL ABOUT IT on WTC.

Posted by: Dierdre | Aug 17, 2005 12:51:57 PM

Now I'm beside myself knowing that I missed the Self-Destruct tour. (my excuse: I was around 17 years old, and my family was POOR. As dirt. My future husband had to pick up the tab for a damn Subway sandwich in those days.)

Damn, damn, damn, damn! Thanks a lot, Deirdre!

Oh well, I am ecstatic to be seeing him live this time around. The one good thing about staring down one's third decade is the presence of disposable funds. We reportedly have good seats, but we'll see how that all works out. (I can't do the general admission thing because I'm too small and wussy and claustrophobic.)

I'm a bit concerned about the friends I'm bringing along. I think they're going as a result of my sheer will. If we get through this show and they declare it to be "eh, okay," I think my head will explode.

Posted by: maise | Aug 17, 2005 1:07:14 PM

D., thanks for sharing that.

I was almost 24 when I first saw Trent live. I saw him at Woodstock and he was a dirty little muddy boy!!!
Between being the only sober adult there, and celebid ...I was beside myself. At the time..he had me all aggitated...I was walking around saying, "Who does he think he is??? Singing those nasty things..." I was totally oppressing myself...Trent wasn't having any of it. On the outside I was showing my pissy attitude, on the inside, he'd ignited a little spark within me..and I was wearing a devilish grin.
It wasn't too long after that..I finished up school..and was out in the world on my own. I allowed myself to live again and I have to give some of the thanks to Trent for that.

It will be extremely interesting to see Trent again...11 years later...we have both matured..grown up, been through a ton of stuff and changed.

I love that he's doing what's right for him regardless of what anyone thinks (the mess with complaints about WT not standing up to previous work, him being muscular, the fan club, almost shaving his head, etc.). You gotta think the more he reads all the bitching & moaning..the futher he's going to take this. Perhaps a bit of rebellion???


Maybe he'll stop dying his hair next and allow those few sprinkles of gray to show!

I love it!!! Be who you are Trent...and if no one else likes it...it's their fucking loss! Everyone has the right to grow & change throughout their life!

hugs, bex

Posted by: bex | Aug 17, 2005 1:22:15 PM

Oh, Trent nowadays is absolutely lovely. I don't mean, with my reminiscence, here, to suggest that he is somehow slipping. I think he and his work are more beautiful than ever - I just think it's in a very different way.

The bottomline is this: Trent is Trent is Trent is Trent. He is magnificent, and his work isn't the same as it ever was... which is exactly what is so fucking good about it.

Posted by: Dierdre | Aug 17, 2005 1:38:06 PM


Just a fun hypothetical question:

Is there anything that Trent could do to himself to alter his appearance that would then be a deal-breaker for you? I mean, I know you love him and all, but there's got to be a pet peeve or two, right? ;)

My friend and I were just discussing tongue-splitting and how that would be a turn-off no matter who had it, at least in our opinions...

Just curious...

Posted by: maise | Aug 17, 2005 2:49:50 PM

Oh yuck, maise... tongue-splitting. I don't understand it, and I don't know why anyone would want to have that done. It's rather pointless in my opinion. I don't think it would even serve to make any oral sex more pleasurable, either.

Posted by: Kim | Aug 17, 2005 2:54:08 PM

Sorry...it's just that today I learned that in my state, you have to have a license to legally split someone's tongue.

Oh yes, sign me up for that certification course, please. [rolling eyes]

Posted by: maise | Aug 17, 2005 3:41:03 PM

Haha... I think you have to have a license to pierce, or cut, or do any body modification at all on someone down here in South Carolina.

Posted by: Kim | Aug 17, 2005 5:34:29 PM

During the Self Destruct Tour, I was a freshman in college. The Houston show of that tour was on Halloween Night. Seeing as it was on a weeknight and I went to college 3 hours away, I wasn't able to go. I remember that night a bunch of us dressed up and went to the local bars, but I wanted so badly to be in Houston at that show. Over the next couple of years, NIN came back to Houston and for some reason or another I couldn't go. The tour with David Bowie didn't hit Houston, so I didn't get to see that one. The Fragility Tour came when I was probably at my poorest...smoking the cheapest cigarettes around and eating ramen and Ranch Style Beans daily. I finally got to see Trentums this past May in a small venue, it probably holds about 2000 people. When I saw his silhouette come from the back of the stage, my heart literally dropped and I started screaming like a little girl. The whole show, all I could do was stare at him. Sing at the top of my lungs and stare. I just couldn't believe it. The one thing that sticks out in my mind about that show is this....he stuck his ass out behind him so much that I thought I was going to have to find something to fuck him with. I mean the man is built like a brick squad car and he's sticking his ass out like it's nobody's business. That was the clincher for me.
Now that I have tickets for the next Houston show this fall, I can't wait to see what he brings this time. I also can't wait to see what us premium Spiral members have to look forward to.

Posted by: Kate | Aug 17, 2005 7:52:23 PM

oh and about the tongue splitting thing....i don't get it either. There is a major cranial nerve running through your tongue. If it gets knicked, even if you're simply getting your tongue pierced, you're fucked.

Posted by: Kate | Aug 17, 2005 7:53:56 PM


LOL on "brick squad car"!!! It's brilliant! I love it!

"Brick Squad Car" is to Trent as "Butterscotch Stallion" is to Owen Wilson.


Posted by: maise | Aug 17, 2005 8:29:30 PM

"Butterscotch Stallion" fucking rolled me, Maise. Holy shit, do I love me some Owen Wilson. All that man has to do is open his mouth and speak and I am rolling in the aisles. Everything about him is hilarious. Remember his awesome cowboy outfit in The Royal Tennenbaums? Jesus. I almost lost it. I love that the best description of his special brand of sexiness I've ever heard is also fucking hilarious. Can you imagine dating him? I'd never be able to keep a straight face!

Now, to your question: if Trent got full sleeve tattoos, fucked with the integrity of his tongue, covered himself with piercings like some fucking retarded 90's urban savage and started boasting to the press about his "prince albert" he wouldn't be the Trent we know and love, and I'd be done with him. It's always been something I've loved about Trent that he doesn't have a bunch of shit all over his body. It would be so UN-TRENT for him to do all that. I mean, I guess an actual sex-change operation would be a deal-breaker, too.

But, Maise, as much as I do think Trent is physically attractive, and I'd say he's built, nowadays, like a brick shithouse, he could be a lot fucking uglier than he is, and I'd still think he was the hottest man alive -- it's what's inside that really makes me want to consume every fucking molecule, and frankly, his sexiest attribute is his body of work.

All those muscles are hot because that man makes them work, and a lot could be different about him physically without altering how attractive he is in the slightest.

Posted by: Dierdre | Aug 18, 2005 2:32:13 AM

The comments to this entry are closed.